Confused *trigger sh, sa*

I am all over the place at the moment. Sometimes, I remember that parts of my life have been quite horrific and I can't cope with that realisation. And my head will be busy with the thoughts, feelings, and memories of others that have shared a life inside this body. And then all will be quiet and none of the memories feel real. And then I feel terrible for making stuff up. I feel completely normal. And then suddenly I feel overwhelmed and want to self harm or kill myself but before I do I go to sleep and when I wake up the feeling is gone. I will have super energy one moment and exhausted the next. It is a repeating cycle.

No one else notices anything odd with me so obviously this is all in my head. I feel trapped. I just want to know one way or another what is wrong with me so that I can move on. I can't help this but I just want it to go away. If it isn't real then why do I feel so angry about it? I was passed around like a toy. I want to scream it out and I want to feel that pain so it can be real. Part of me is desperate to feel the pain for real and not just inside. Because it just won't go away and maybe if I feel it it will.

you describe so well what we go through ourselves; there is a general commonality with much of what you say, especially about how it is a repeating cycle that can feel endless. All we can say is to do your best to take time for self-care, whatever it is that relaxes you. For us it is a bubble bath, colouring, our comfort item (Duffy Bear).

Hi. Yes I relate to a lot of what you say too. I'm waiting now to see a therapist on the 4th Jan. Not that she is going to fix me in one session but I'm just desperately hoping that she'll understand what I'm going through. The endless cycle thing is relentlessly exhausting.

Last night I hit a desperate point and was screaming out inside my mind for someone to help or show me something. Then I jumped because a scary face flashed inside my mind. I've had this before but never knew what it was, but instinctively this time I realised that the face belonged to an alter who I call "The Wall". We had a bit of an internal conversation - it turns out he is not really scary but one of his jobs is to warn me off if I try digging too deep and accessing things I'm not ready for. When I asked him if I could have a glimpse so I know this is real, I immediay felt terrified and my heart began beating very fast as I saw a lot of chaos and torment inside. i think he showed me this to make me realise that I've got the easiest job being out front at the moment because inside is a mess and not anywhere where I would find peace, but who knows?

Now, after sleeping I feel perfectly calm again like that was just a stormy dream. But I know at the time it felt perfectly real and I was not asleep either.