Doing everything I can to numb out

After 14 years T retires the end of December . Waking up in panic and heart racing. It feels unbearable.

You will adjust but there's no avoiding how challenging it is. Numbing out makes sense, it's what we with DID know how to do. But are you also trying to incorporate some of the feelings? I imagine T is helping you with coping techniques, generally and for this transition. Do you have a new T lined up?

This happened to me a couple years ago. A T with whom I was working retired, came back out of retirement a year+ because her first retirement was premature (husband has passed away), then phased into retirement again. I chose to leave right away after she said she wanted to phase into retirement the second time because I wanted to avoid any long goodbyes. Some of the younger alters were really upset but my numbing prevented me fully feeling that at the time.

I asked my ongoing shrink, whom I see once every six weeks and who knows her, how she was doing. He said she was loving retirement and seemed happy to have the time with family. It surprised me that it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I guess I would have preferred hearing that she regretted retiring!

I actually now have a very skilled T, one of the authors of the guidelines for treating DID in adults. The connection has been slower to build but then we're in a very different place than 5-6 years ago. She's probably better at pushing me more towards developing coping skills. But we just can't replace the time spent with our system quickly.

You will be okay. You've internalized and incorporated the experience of having working with your T and that will never leave you.

Thanks Johnny Jack. I went to him for depression and the DID only come out so to speak in last few years. Even so it’s been a struggle to establish communication. Slow going for sure.
I/ we feel the panic and despair inside. One night woke up saying to “ someone” -he’s not leaving he’s not leaving -to soothe the terror. Now trying to cope in more honest way .
I’m afraid.
About your experience of therapist leaving...
I’m not surprised you had those feelings about T enjoying retirement. Perhaps if I felt finished with therapy or “ over the hump” I’d be more comfortable. Plus knowing they’re going on long vacations and having fun is a stark contrast to our continued and unfinished struggles. There is new therapist lined up.
I fear my progress will stop . Or that we’ll never get good communication. It’s taken so long to get where I am which doesn’t feel like enough.
Plus I feel such turmoil as well as really really deep pain and grief .
Beth

Hi Ladyslippers/Beth

Oh i feel for you. your progress won't stop because you know what. YOU and your team having been doing the work. Your T is helping you and for sure facilitated al of the work. But in the end you are the one who has made these great accomplishments.

I see a good sign here. You are allowing yourself to feel pain, to grieve. Of course you will numb out. Everyone would.

I don't think we can tell we are over the hump until much later, in retrospect. I feel like with these things the hump is invisible, it could be a hump, a hill or the start of a mountain when we are looking forward. In hindsight it makes sense.

you can do this with another T. I know you can. I have had 2 good Ts now and Yes, the work was different with the two of them, but it was all good and very important. Perhaps the new T will bring new thing you never knew you needed?

Be gentle and kind with yourself(ves) and let the littles and bigs cry.

Omg Thankyou Samsland...I guess it is good I feel pain . He says it’s because I am able to form relationship and develop attachment . Sure feels awful though.
I so appreciate your saying we can do this . So much turmoil and insecurity. Scared.
I hope I can let us all cry . I can’t believe he won’t be there in my life.
Like you said ... just because he’s not there doesn’t mean we won’t or can’t improve communication. We’re super attached to him . Miss him when he’s on vacation. Need to come up with plan.

I agree with what has been said. It is a shock and will be a hurdle to overcome but you can do it!

lmbo....

I know the subject line of this post refers to something else, but as I look at it on the screen, I keep thinking that if I had to come up with a great, short summary for my life, this would be it.

Thanks Little Daria-hope I can do this . It’s quiet inside as far as talking but there’s a massive headache whenever we think about it

Johnny Jack-yeah , it does summarize DID I suppose. Almost impossible to stay present with this

contentbrace-why are you “ lmbo”? I don’t understand.

Beth

Johnny-Jack wrote:I know the subject line of this post refers to something else, but as I look at it on the screen, I keep thinking that if I had to come up with a great, short summary for my life, this would be it.

tell me about it. you guys are so right. Bearing this over and over feels impossible. and whats worse is when it's all happening the thing that could help, good sleep, is equally messed up with nightmares.

I try to think in this life I must be learning something of great importance, but the more I think about it, I think I must have done something really awful in a past life. (And most days i don't even believe in past lives)