can't stop crying

we have been crying very frequently for at least ten days, probably more. (our short term memory is a sieve, yet one more problem) tonight we were downtown watching the christmas parade of lights and willow came out and we cried for nearly the entire parade. we are in a little bubble of surreality, nothing looks quite real, lights appear brighter than they should be. we have to, at times, audibly talk to one of our alters to try and soothe them, no matter where we are. we are in a cold state of fear often. our suicidality is at a dangerous level so we are doing our best to cling to the resources we know are out there but it isnt easy.

we have been working on a system map (an idea we found on the Facebook DID group an it has evolved into our attempting to create a visual representation of a lifeline for us, beginning at birth and going from there. we have our first twenty years mapped out more or less and to look at it is painful, far more painful than we were expecting it to be. we have put little red markers to indicate specific truamas and there are a lot of red markers it makes us cry and working on it gives us flashbacks but it seems to be also somehow cathartic

i know that our T would tell us to drop every kind of system work we have been doing if we were in your situation.
and work on stability only. safety, self-care, grounding.
please go and find some professional help and not get yourself into danger.
what you describe... we have met many in that situation at the depression ward in the clinic.
you dont have to do this alone!

I completely agree with Asti. Take care of yourself. and maybe slow down a bit.

Yes a system map can be cathartic. And the first picture of it perhaps can trigger the mourning of the childhood you lost. Or the childhood you though you had but are now realizing that it was "not normal " (whatever that is) or "not healthy" or whatever you thought it was. Or maybe the extent of the challenges you were put through. Perhaps you are letting some of this go, and crying WILL be part of this. Give yourself permission to cry if and mourn and be safe in doing so.

take care.

Just a suggestion....

I thought about how I would feel if I suddenly could remember every bad thing that happened to me in childhood and the answer is...............tremendously depressed!!

I suggest that a counterweight is needed. Why not also map out every good thing that you can remember. And if the good things are hard to remember - include little small things - anything that made you smile for a moment. If good memories are still hard to come by - include positive circumstances in you life....perhaps a yummy breakfast cereal, a comfortable pillow, pretty tree outside your house, a pet etc...

Don't concentrate on just one side - it's not good for you.

thank you for the kind words, the idea of looking at positive things is a good idea. a break from this suffering is a good plan.