What's going on with me?

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum, and looking for some help.
I'm a mental health practitioner and feel very ashamed to bring this up to people in real life, as this can be stigmatizing and not really an image I want to project professionally...

So I guess I have noticed weird things going on with me.
It started to be noticeable about five years ago. I had a dream about an alter who was doing things behind my back, sabotaging, then saw the alter behind me in a mirror and she looked like she wanted to kill me. Most vivid nightmare I have had.

Nothing major for a few years, except some peculiarities in my behavior. A moment of shoplifting that was out of character, changes in my clothes and style, some self sabotage.

This year I have found drawings that I must have done but in a very different art style. My art style has been changing from really good and realistic to terrible and cartoonish, no explanation

I have constant nightmares and some of them are about having an alter destroying my apartment. These dreams are almost like night terrors, sleep paralysis, I feel I am awake and really experiencing them

This entire summer was a blur. I only remember bits and pieces but know I was not behaving normally. Was smoking cigarettes which I would never do, more angry, more assertive.

I took the MID 6.0 and it gave me PTSD and DID on axis 1, no axis 2.

I have no idea how to confirm this without seeking help from a professional, but I'm very ashamed and don't want to admit these observations ....

Appreciate any advice

Hi Confused1am,

I'm really glad you got on the forum.

It's really hard to tell people about weird things going on with you. You never know how they're going to react. It's easy to be ashamed and feel like you're crazy and stuff. Host never wanted to get any help because he thought people would laugh at him or call him crazy and he'd lose his job. The image thing We found a really great T and she promised not to tell anyone. Really good Ts don't judge and don't tell.

I don't think you're crazy or bad or anything. Sounds like some parts of your system are upset and need help. Please post some more and let us know how you're doing ok?

Iain

Hi Confused1am,

I tried to send you a private message, but it stayed in my outbox, so I don't know if you're not accepting PMs. But I can tell you the gist and just leave out the part that was personal.

Basically I agree with IainEtc--you need to find someone who really understands dissociative disorders, and who is very experienced, because they will have seen people who work in all kinds of responsible jobs, including the mental health field, and they will keep everything confidential. You can look online to find a therapist instead of asking someone who knows you. The ISSTD has a "find a therapist" search, but I just googled "expert in dissociative disorders [my city]" and started out that way.

Also, when I started really grappling with how much dissociation I had hidden away for so many years, and feeling so inferior and damaged, it helped me SO much to read on this forum and hear the stories and journeys of all of these amazing, intelligent, creative, articulate people.

S.P.

Are you really feeling ashamed? I don't mean this questioning in a bad way - but if you are a mental health practitioner, I would hope that you would be telling your clients that there is nothing to be ashamed of and that you would feel it to be true.

I can understand if you are feeling professionally awkward about disclosing your symptoms. Society as a whole usually has expectations for people in the mental health field to be symptom free.

But whether it is a feeling of awkwardness or shame that is bothering you, do get professional help so that you can sort this out. You have had symptoms for a few years now - you deserve the help.

I think pretty much everyone here struggles at first to come out to anyone about our diagnosis, no matter what work we do. You have taken that giant first step by coming out to us. Well done!

Also, you are not alone. There are many therapists living with DID. Some decades ago Richard Kluft wrote few journal articles about his series of clients with DID who were high functioning, medical professionals, therapists, etc. This established him in the psychotherapy community as an expert on treating therapists with DID and consequently he has diagnosed and treated many therapists. He is far from the only therapist who treats therapists with DID.

Confused1am wrote:I took the MID 6.0 and it gave me PTSD and DID on axis 1, no axis 2.

I have no idea how to confirm this without seeking help from a professional, but I'm very ashamed and don't want to admit these observations ....

Well, you are a professional and you worked the instrument. You know you are not malingering, right? So unless you seriously misunderstood a lot of the questions, you already have a firm foundation for a diagnosis.

What to do next? You could send the MID data to Paul Dell and ask him to check your work, without identifying the client. You could go out of area to consult a diagnostician, and pay cash. You could consult a therapist on the other side of the planet via televideo call, probably without disclosing you are a therapist. You could do some self work on that shame and reduce it's power to sabotage your self care. (Have you ever used the Compass of Shame Scale? There is a thread about it here.) You could start with some unsent letters where you work out who you would disclose to, what you would say, etc.

Have you disclosed to anyone, anywhere, besides this group?

I've been a employee, been projected upon, as mostly someone with aspirations of being a mental health practioner. I guess the next lunch and learn can teach you all, that goes for conference continuing education all of the above can help you understand, what is wrong with projecting something professionally. At the very least, you can assure that employees have mostly the same need, are the ones that need the money. I remind myself all the time this is what we project no matter what . Yes are folks covert and overt is it unwanted based on what type person you get in life. Best believe that is one thing for certain a person no matter what age projects something and is something. I'm sure the great replies here will get you to orient to that point. I would just caution you to remind yourself that you have moral ethics and guidance that you went to school for that you are paid to do. I'd say don't worry about the professional projection because isn't that why in some part u choose to work in that capacity.