will this ever end?

Hi, it's been a while since we were here. We do not have home internet access which limits our online time. Also, we have been in hospital twice in the past six weeks. Time is an irrelevance to us as the days blend into each other, any yesterday feels light years away. We are in a state of depersonalization nearly constantly. We have been struggling with suicidal ideation on a daily basis, but are receiving excellent care from the Canadian Mental Health Association, and our trauma therapist. Often the world around us feels unreal and can appear two dimensional. We struggle to stay in the present and are so easily startled/scared into littlespace. We are making ourselves take our prescribed medication despite our not really wanting to. We cry so frequently it is a wonder we are not suffering from dehydration. We feel like we are holding onto life by our fingertips. Our emotional state is either fear, anxiety, or feeling lost. Snow, our newest Alter, is very angry and suicidal, and scares the rest of us.

it has been better before and it will be better again.
these are episodes. they have a beginning, a middle and an end. we are having one of those ourselves.
dont entertain hopeless thoughts, it doesnt make things better. we like to either look back at the many things we have already accomplished, or look forward and make plans, like for a vacation or something nice.
please take your meds. when we have last been in that situation they carried us through. it might not all be cupcakes and rainbows with them, but without them it would be even harder.
I am glad you have support. We support you too.
this too will end. dont give up. you have probably already passed the "middle" of the episode and things will slowly start to get better soon.

Things will get better!

we are doing our best to maintain a routine of getting out of our apartment at least once a day, even if it only go to the nearby library. Being social is a real help too, unless of course there is any kind of conflict within hearing distance.

see! honor the small things.
we have locked ourselves in our apt since halloween and only left for grocery shopping and T.
you rock!

Hi,

I'm super glad you're getting really good help. Taking care of yourself is important. Thanks so much for posting. I know it's hard to do right now but you're an important part of the forum.

Iain

Update: we had a very difficult trauma therapy session Wednesday evening, accessing a child alter who is desperately alone, who feels unloved, and is trapped. today we had a session with our social worker which went 45 minutes overtime. during this session we broke down as we expressed our feelings of desperation, hopelessness, isolation, and more. we are now at the library in a state of fuzzy depersonalization. we are also somewhat numb. we don't especially want to go home to our lonely apartment. we are going to call a friend. failing that we will call the crisis line or go to the CMHA.

It sounds like progress but also a very rough time--I'm glad you have a plan to take care of yourself. Thanks for posting.

the past few days have been enormously challenging, with numerous episodes of desperation and extreme dissociation and emotional numbness or the opposite, near constant crying. Snow, our newest alter is suicidal and strong, difficult to soothe, if at all. We do not want to end up in hospital but know it is an option should we need it. we have an agreement with our psychiatrist that we can be admitted voluntarily (as opposed to being formed) for brief stays to stabilize us. we did self-care last night which helped and today we made ourselves get up and to to our local mental wellness drop in centre, a healthy choice, despite our crying all our way here.

exhaustion is a real factor lately; all the emotions, memory intrusions, flashbacks, panic attacks, are taking a serious toll and making it increasingly difficult to cope with even little things. when we are rational we recognize we have many supports in the community but there are still times we switch into an alter who doesn't see this which is dangerous.

we struggle with exhaustion too.
we slowed everything down. only one bigger task a day, sandwiched by self-care, for the kids and adults.
the holiday season is always tough for us.
it makes self-care so much more important. and time to relax. I have gone back to my yoga practice cause it helps me a lot with relaxation. when i am more centered it helps the whole system.
everyone of you can do their part in feeling better and it all matters and will help the others too.

I know that for us the hardest moments is when one starts to believe that we are helpless. today we are not. but the sense of helplessness birthes despair and it goes down from there.
today we wrote down something important in therapy
"do what can be done today"
that is all that is need.