One of my Main Alters almost Died in my Mind by a Creep

Hello everyone. I apologize if this is a bit of a mess. I'm currently unable to speak in person (I have a mental block preventing me from vocalizing; not because of my sleep disorder that I'll bring up shortly) and I'm trying not to pass out from this episode I'm experiencing.

For the record, I'm just going to state that this could be a trigger warning to many people in case of violence, hallucinations, blood, torture, sexual themes ... just... a lot of warped stuff.

I've come here in search of help with what to do, with opinions on the matter, and any advice someone can offer. I've gone to a neuropsychologist over the possibility that I may have DID, and based off of the information I gave them, they told me verbally that it seemed like a possibility, to of course somewhat backpedal at the end of the session to say something along the lines of, "Well, I can't be sure until we get more results" as if to avoid getting a malpractice lawsuit.

Several of my friends have told me when I was first getting this investigated after years of self-suspicion that I told them I don't feel like myself. It's already confirmed by my psychologist that I have dissociative issues. I often don't recognize myself in the mirror (multiple times a week), and many times I feel as if I'm in a "dreamlike" state, especially whenever I leave the house, as I'm typically housebound due to the fact that I'm disabled.

But the complicated fact of the matter is that I have narcolepsy with cataplexy. I hallucinate quite a bit. If it weren't for the amazing support of my boyfriend that I've been dating for 4 months now, who Skypes with me almost constantly (He has a job on his computer where he can work from home often, and we usually have the call up, as I'm not a distraction when he needs to work) and keeps an eye on me for sleep attacks and times of collapse to contact my mother. For the record, I'm a 24 year old female, but with my various neurological problems, I'm unable to drive or work. I'm hoping that's changed soon, once and for all.

Back when I first met my boyfriend, I started to be other people. They were people that would talk to me in my mind very often, and I would sometimes see them outwardly as hallucinations sometimes. (Only 2 of them). It got to a point where I thought they could be ghosts and they were projecting themselves as characters that I know quite well.

The reason I know my alters, if I do have DID or something along the lines of OSDD, is because years ago when I was in middle school, I started to write a book that was all in my head. They had a set plot line for many years. Eventually, in late middle school/early high school, I thought to myself, "What would it be like if they all lived in a house together?" As if a slice of life kind of aspect. Of course, this wasn't going to be relevant to my book, and it was more of a mental exercise. Over time, certain characters showed up that I didn't originally have, and some evolved. And of course, several of them left, leaving a small handful that would interact with me daily, more or less.

I didn't have many friends in school, so they kept me company. I could go on and on about this, and about things that both doctors, my mother, and any of my close friends have confirmed would be traumatic events that would give me PTSD, but I'd rather not get into that right now.

I want to get to the bottom of this.

One of my most prevalent alters that would often make quips about things my friends were saying and pester me into telling them things they said (My close ones that knew of his existence, of course). To help prevent confusion later, I'll call him B. On September 29th, something strange happened. Something very bad.

[September 29th, 2017]
It started off as me having massive paralysis in my room, where I told my boyfriend to contact my mother to help me move my limbs, as I was stuck in my chair. He did so, and she came up to my room as soon as she was able (She has her own health problems) to help me move. Lately, she's been recording these experiences to show the doctor. I told her to put her phone down and help me up, because I had to use the restroom.

I'm able to hobble down the hallway. I wasn't exactly hallucinating at the time, or I would've been much more panicked. Typically it involves faces rushing at me or demons, blood on the walls or ceilings, flesh being ripped apart, feeling like things are trying to stab me or are actually stabbing me or touching me.... Rushing sounds, laughter, whispers. It sometimes builds up and sometimes it's more sudden, but not like this.

I was in the restroom, very tired, and without even a thought I see B chained to a wall in the basement of my house in my mind (It's quite large and changes in size. It's more like a mansion, but to me "house" is more symbolic). There was a creepy figure of a man, and without any time passing he rips off the skin on the left arm of B (The palm side, as his arms were raised).
I immediately screamed as he screamed, with the bathroom door still open and my mom waiting in my room. In order to put my mom at ease I yelled, "I'M OKAY!" because I didn't want her to think I got hurt.

I'm automatically trying to dismiss it as a hallucination, as I had a mental breach earlier where the house AI (Sorry if this sounds complicated) had to rewind time and save all of my alters from getting brutally murdered by my hallucinations (I feel like this needs a lot of exposition to make sense) that were able to get through the barrier. This is the only time in my life this breach has happened, but since then things got strange. The breach happened a few months ago, where this happened a month or so after that.
I hurriedly try to get out of the restroom, and then this figure does the same thing, but to B's right arm. B was absolutely in severe pain and screaming when I rush back to my room in a complete and utter panic.

My mom was in my room when normally in these kinds of instances I just deal with them by myself, and my boyfriend knows not to say a word. But her presence threw me off. I tried to concentrate to locate B in the basement. I couldn't concentrate. My mom tried to ask questions and I shushed her. Even her breathing and touching her phone was throwing me off.

I ended up covering myself in a white blanket curled up in my chair trying to locate him. Eventually the others are able to find B. Q, J, and L. L rushes over to B to help get him unchained while Q and J (Who are a couple) pin the mysterious figure down. L quickly wraps B's arms with bandages to stop the bleeding and replace the skin that was removed. B, someone who used to be so full of life and sass, no longer had that look in his eyes. He was broken. V rushes in to help L take B out of the room while Q and J tower over the figure. Q, who is usually the leader of the group, takes out a gun and shoots the figure in the head.

In the midst of all of this, I fall to the floor in real life under my desk where my mom goes to ask me for help and I scream at her "SHUT UP!!! I DON'T WANT B TO DIE" and I beg her to leave. I even screamed at the gunshot. It's possibly what could've caused me to fall out of my chair. Honestly I don't remember a lot of what happened in real life. I was more concerned about B.

Once all of that happened, the walls at the bottom of the basement started to slam down as giant brick slabs, like a domino effect. Q and J knew to get the hell out of there, as the basement was about to be no more.

F, who is the older brother of O (a little), had to distract her with all of this going on, and she offers to patrol around the house to check for holes in the shield. While V and L take B upstairs (To the 2nd floor of the house) she actually finds a hole in the shield and F quickly seals it up, while the house AI goes into artillery mode (Which made me very concerned, as this never happened before) and searched the parameters for other strange figures.

All of the human alters outside of myself used to live in the basement. Q, J, V, B, and L. O and F were usually with me or near me, sometimes in the form of a necklace (They're robots I made). The house then detached their rooms from the basement and moved them up to the 2nd floor, where V and L sat B on their bed. L left once V confirmed that he had a handle on it, and watched B in a concerned manner.

Somehow, V wasn't in the room when something else happened almost immediately afterward. Everything started to turn blue. His hair, the room, the furniture. I couldn't cope with it. He was always symbolic to red. I didn't know why he was changing and was absolutely freaking out. Then a strange portal opened, and a boy that looked a lot like B showed up in the blue. B was back to being red. They were both wearing arm bandages. B turns his head at this new figure and immediately starts to scream, "WHAT DID YOU DO?!" because of the new boy (Who I will call R) having damage done to his arms. He grabs him violently by the wrists and they end up in this huge emotional struggle with words I can't quite remember.

I'm not sure if it was my writer's ability that tried to make sense of it all. That was forcing B to stay red and that my mind wanted R to show up because I was being stubborn. That I needed the blue figure. But R seems a lot more... sad... In general. That I was trying to make sense of their relationship and made the backstory that B used to protect R when he was younger.

I become suspicious of R and him possibly trying to get intel for M, a dangerous story character that shows up when I'm in an absolute crisis (She has little to no emotion and tends to show up when I'm critically suicidal. In person she's harmless, because she doesn't have her powers. But in my mind, she has all of them and is very deadly.) He ended up reading a story to O, sitting on the floor of what used to B's room and was now his somehow (The furniture changed even more) with her in his lap.

B was still broken and in his room, though I can't quite see what it looks like anymore. V visited him and things ended up getting heated between the two, where he was trying to get B to snap out of it.

It wasn't until a while later that I realized B very likely did that to protect me. Years ago... I was in that same room and being attacked in a very similar way. It was very traumatic for me, but for some sick twisted reason I never got rid of the room. He didn't want it to happen to me again. He didn't exist the last time I was attacked. Q and J rescued me back then with V and a few others that are no longer a part of the house. It's why I started to wear a necklace while I'm inside the house to alert the others to when I'm in any danger (emotional or physical. Or if I'm having sleep attacks or heart palpitations, etc). However, none of the others have this necklace.

For several days I had to suddenly wrap my arms in bandages due to the severe pain in my arms. I had to carry the bandages around in my backpack.
I dismissed all of this, because I didn't know what to make of it. Rather, I "paused" it. On October 12th I had another appointment with my neuropsychologist that I thought would be a test for DID, and that I could get some answers then.

It wasn't. It was actually a cognitive test to see if I "truly" had ADHD, even though I purposefully went to this doctor to get checked for DID and dyslexia. I was completely baffled. And yes, I do have ADHD. I've had it since I can remember and took medicine for it from when I was 5 all the way to 10th grade when I stopped and became homeschooled after falling ill, to then 6 or 7 years later finally be diagnosed with narcolepsy with cataplexy and hypersomnia.

So I was left in the dark. But because of that, I had everything paused. I was panicked. I didn't want the house to fall apart. I didn't want to lose anyone. It was... eerily silent. B wasn't making those jokes to me any more. He seemed a lot more... angry before he kind of vanished.

At one point I felt compelled to make him in The Sims 4 and a few others, where he showed up very faintly like his old self making a few jokes, but he seemed more... snippy. Like there's a lot of stuff going on that's unresolved.

They used to show up a lot because I felt lonely. At least, that's what I think it was... But now that my boyfriend is with me almost constantly, I don't feel lonely anymore.

But, before that event happened, it didn't matter how lonely I didn't feel, people still showed up to talk to him. He knew several of them very well and could tell who they were without them changing clothes or something. But since that day it isn't happening anymore...

I'm questioning if I have DID... OSDD... I... I don't know. Is this possible? Is pausing your alters possible? How do I undo it? How do I fix it? What do I do? If anyone has any questions for more clarification, because I'm sure part of this story can be quite convoluted, don't be afraid to ask. If this will help anyone else out there, I'll be glad to assist in any way.

The neuropsycholgoist suggested a therapist specifically to help me, but they can't professionally diagnose me with DID or OSDD. This neropsychologist (as well as my regular psychologist) have specified that I need to see a specialist to get diagnosed (even though they have no leads). Does anyone have a suggestion of where to go?

Does anyone have any idea of what's happening? I'm... honestly, I'm scared.

Hi PaIindrome, welcome to the site. I was diagnosed with narcolepsy myself two(?) years ago, but mine isn’t as severe as yours. I also had halluinations that were very similar to what you described but they only happened at night for me. But, enough about me, we’re here to talk about you, so let’s do that. I’m not sure what’s going on with your system. I had a couple of questions about the details you shared. Who was the mysterious figure that hurt B? Did you ever figure that out? What do you mean by pausing an alter? Towards the end, are you saying your alters no longer come to the surface to talk to your boyfriend? What is it you want to undo? The damage to B? I don’t know since my system (who live in a mansion too) have a regenerative field around it, so if someone gets hurt, the damage isn’t permanent.

We can’t diagnose you with DID but it sounds like you could have it. But, I can’t really say. I know I asked a lot of questions, so I’m sorry if they overwhelm. That was not my intention.

PaIindrome wrote:This neropsychologist (as well as my regular psychologist) have specified that I need to see a specialist to get diagnosed (even though they have no leads). Does anyone have a suggestion of where to go?

This is a frequently asked question! The answer depends where in the world you are. In the UK the Pottergate Centre does diagnostic assessments, and they will do what they can (which is a lot) by mail with anyone anywhere. In the USA and Canada, the Sidran Institute has a database of therapists who offer to treat DID. No guarantee the therapist is competent or even licensed. The Psychology Today website also has a therapist locator and you can use dissociative disorders as a search term. Worldwide, the ISSTD (isst-d.org) has a member locator, and most ISSTD members are therapists. All that said, often what you have to do is pick up the phone and start calling people, and calling, and calling. Eventually you'll find people who know what you are talking about and then finally one of them will be able to give you the name and phone number of someone who can do the evaluation you need. Expect to start with the DES, then move on to the SCID-D, MID, or DDIS.

PaIindrome wrote:Does anyone have any idea of what's happening? I'm... honestly, I'm scared.

It sounds like your inner world is undergoing some major remodeling. That happens. Robert Oxnam's DID memoir A Fractured Mind describes a major remodeling. See also Matt Ruff's DID novel Set this House in Order: A Romance of Souls. Both books are mentioned here on the DID Forum in numerous old threads, but if you want to avoid spoilers don't read the threads until after you read the books.

Violarules wrote:Hi PaIindrome, welcome to the site. I was diagnosed with narcolepsy myself two(?) years ago, but mine isn’t as severe as yours. I also had halluinations that were very similar to what you described but they only happened at night for me. But, enough about me, we’re here to talk about you, so let’s do that. I’m not sure what’s going on with your system. I had a couple of questions about the details you shared. Who was the mysterious figure that hurt B? Did you ever figure that out? What do you mean by pausing an alter? Towards the end, are you saying your alters no longer come to the surface to talk to your boyfriend? What is it you want to undo? The damage to B? I don’t know since my system (who live in a mansion too) have a regenerative field around it, so if someone gets hurt, the damage isn’t permanent.

We can’t diagnose you with DID but it sounds like you could have it. But, I can’t really say. I know I asked a lot of questions, so I’m sorry if they overwhelm. That was not my intention.

Hi! I'll be glad to answer your question. Right before I made my post, I saw someone else ask about their boyfriend and how one of their alters stuffed other more harmful alters in a backpack and he couldn't access them. And some were saying they were inaccessible but still present.

The mysterious figure that hurt B was kind of this man with no discernible figures about him. It was as if he was human but that was just a shell around the creepy demonic hallucinations that I see. The point was he was there to hurt one of us and to break something down. It wasn't as if he was a fragment or another alter. Q shot him and he ended up like ... for the best of my understanding he kind of melted into the ground when they were trying to figure out what to do with the body? Like he was a shadow or a creature. He's completely gone with no trace, as the house shut down the basement. I feel it was just a mechanism to remind me of something I don't like thinking about. I ended up talking to my boyfriend about the entire composition of the house and about the entire timeline of the house as I knew it. You could say he was speechless after that and absorbing all the information, and that he understands me more as a person because of it. Not that he wasn't incredibly worried and concerned, as he is with me and my multitude of health issues.

As for the importance of that room... erm... I told my boyfriend what happened in it when I was around 13-14 years old, but for some reason I just couldn't get rid of it... Maybe what happened to B is what needed to happen for the house to get rid of the basement. When I get hurt I handle things differently than when my loved ones get hurt.

Since this event, they have not taken over in any way. I have a chest binder and various hats and things that most of them like to wear so they feel more comfortable in my body, including the little. Because I might be moving soon and I have to keep discussing with my mother living arrangements and things we're selling, I'm wondering if that also puts a few things on "lock down" since they know that they can't mess around, when this is my quality of life we're talking about.
It reminds me of when I needed to check several games I purchased online to see if I wanted to keep them, or to ask for a refund before I ran out of time to do so. I'm usually low on funds, so it was something I was doing almost constantly while I was awake for several days in a row. The difference is I was getting more and more and more stressed out with various people getting agitated and antsy and wanting to show up but knowing they couldn't, so it was as if they were in time out. As soon as I was done checking I ... er... ... .... hmm.... something involving someone showing up? Likely B. Maybe O. Maybe not? Shoot, I can't remember... I think people showed up because they were like, "FINALLY" but I can't... remember what happened. Welp.
I also think it's harder to pinpoint amnesiac episodes as I have an excellent memory, and I don't quite know if it's due to the amount of time passing or not. I sit here and as I type this I know I can recall many events in my life from years ago quite vividly, when these instances were mere months ago.
I also get a headache when I try to remember stuff that people did. It's almost like I'm there, but I'm not sometimes? Ugh, I don't even want to think about... thinking about it. I had possibly the most painful headache of my life after telling him about the mansion and timeline. And I've been diagnosed with chronic migraines.

I guess what I want to undo is the mental trauma done to B. To figure out if R even needs to exist or if they were a split to B, but mostly to reinforce the house so no more breaches can happen. The first instance was a few months ago, and it's only been twice in my entire life. I don't want this to continue, because it's been incredibly detrimental to my health. Because of my cataplexy with my narcolepsy, I can collapse and have sleep attacks so easily with my emotional state that it can render me almost paralyzed for days at a time, when I need to be able to "move forward" in my life. Especially lately, as a bunch of other important things are happening. Plus, any confirmation that I'm not just using this as a "personality type" as my psychiatrist explained could be a possibility as a coping mechanism if I don't have DID, it would help me move forward on knowing if I fix this with an angle for mental health, or if I fix this like the writer that I am. One will require more logical work where the other can be, "Well all of this was in my head as a story so I can just erase it."

You absolutely just blew my mind about your mind is also a mansion with a regenerative field around it. That is exactly the case with me. It's also possible to stop time where it won't pass while inside the mansion, but you also don't age. The key difference is the house AI (who can heal you) doesn't have access or cameras in the basement. I'm really the only one that can "see" what's going on in the basement, as if I'm playing The Sims or something (or when you write a story). Rather, I used to be the only one that could know what was going on in all the rooms down there.

I am incredibly relieved that there's someone else out there that has both Narcolepsy and DID as well as ADHD. It's crazy how many similarities we have.

Thank you for the supportive words. I'm glad to get any help to find the medical professional I need to help get to the bottom of all of this.

Una+ wrote:

PaIindrome wrote:This neropsychologist (as well as my regular psychologist) have specified that I need to see a specialist to get diagnosed (even though they have no leads). Does anyone have a suggestion of where to go?

This is a frequently asked question! The answer depends where in the world you are. In the UK the Pottergate Centre does diagnostic assessments, and they will do what they can (which is a lot) by mail with anyone anywhere. In the USA and Canada, the Sidran Institute has a database of therapists who offer to treat DID. No guarantee the therapist is competent or even licensed. The Psychology Today website also has a therapist locator and you can use dissociative disorders as a search term. Worldwide, the ISSTD (isst-d.org) has a member locator, and most ISSTD members are therapists. All that said, often what you have to do is pick up the phone and start calling people, and calling, and calling. Eventually you'll find people who know what you are talking about and then finally one of them will be able to give you the name and phone number of someone who can do the evaluation you need. Expect to start with the DES, then move on to the SCID-D, MID, or DDIS.

PaIindrome wrote:Does anyone have any idea of what's happening? I'm... honestly, I'm scared.

It sounds like your inner world is undergoing some major remodeling. That happens. Robert Oxnam's DID memoir A Fractured Mind describes a major remodeling. See also Matt Ruff's DID novel Set this House in Order: A Romance of Souls. Both books are mentioned here on the DID Forum in numerous old threads, but if you want to avoid spoilers don't read the threads until after you read the books.

Oh my goodness! Thank you SO much for this information! To clarify, I live in the USA, but the problem is because of my disabilities, I'm currently without health insurance. The state I live in happens to be one of the I believe thirteen states that declined Medicaid Expansion, so those at or below the poverty line in need of medical coverage are... basically up the creek without a paddle.

I have a "charity care" system where I have to do a $10 copay, but the options are very very limited as to where I can go. I'm hoping some people I can call will be able to point me in the right direction.

Do you think those books would be available at a library? It's quite difficult for me to read, but depending on the type of book I might try to see how much of it I can get through, if not all of it. They sound like books that would get me hooked into the story so-to-speak, since it's insanely relevant to my concerns at the moment.

Again, thank you so much for all the information! This has helped me tremendously.