What is going on?

Just wondered it this was a common thing. We have been going through months and months of confusion. However I am aware that every now and then we 'wake up' and everything seems to make sense and we have a purpose - at one time we would just go with this and be all consumed by something only to come crashing down when it all fell to pieces because actually we were not all happy with it. Now every time this happens we are more cautious of the feeling aware that the thing/mission/discovery is only transient and part of the whole.......so is this because we are becoming more aware of each other ie negotiating more and in some kind or way having less autonomous control by one person/mode/alter we are actually gaining more overall control??? This feels both more secure and more uncertain at the same time and we are not sure whether this is due to things getting more co-ordinated or whether it is actually the emergence of a new alter. We have been thinking a lot about names recently and trying to find a name that everyone is happy with and we seem to be just about there. I think I have just answered my own question, not sure? All comments welcome.

Hi Littlemie

We are in a similar space of disruption, turbulence and varying degrees of control. For instance I now feel like, perhaps how it was before I knew of DID, in a state of confusion, overwhelming emotion, conflicting desires and feelings. But, unlike the past few years, I don't know what parts these are. The difference from 10 years ago or so is, I know of the parts. I know they are there. I know what we have experienced over the years. But I don't feel them, I don't know who's voices are who, I don't know where they are.

So I also wonder is it more separateness that my system is going covert for some reason and making us more separate? Or have we become more integrated, and there is no longer as much a need for separateness?

I think your T was away recently, so if I am remembering correctly perhaps this is contributing to what is going on. Is she back?

I know what you are saying about purpose. But what if you think of it this way. Every day you are a different person (not DID different). Because of what you live through today, it changes you, and so you are different than you were yesterday. So by extension, every day your purpose may change, be different from yesterday, or be modified. So each day you can say what is my purpose today? And there can be common goals, themes, etc that you include in your purpose each day. But on some days, when things are overwhelming or come crashing down, your purpose is modified to meet the needs of that day. Maybe an approach like this could help reduce the stress and anxiety around feeling out of control and purposeless or misdirected.

Take care of yourself. one day at a time.

Hi SamsLand - your first paragraph sounds very familiar to us. T is back tomorrow. Have written lots of things for her. Struggle quite a bit with handwriting at the moment but am able to use a keyboard. Have basically transcribed a lot of internal dialogue see if she can help us sort through it. All best.