Blue and Purple Journal

by **LavenderLilly** » Thu Nov 09, 2017 6:21 am

Omg i HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT
No i dont wanna ###$ i dont wanna.
How can we be so tired????? This is insane.

God i wanna stay home
###$ school. How is anything in the world worth this suffering.
Im tired. Every cell of my body hurts. It took me 20minutes to remotely feel like a living thing
The alarm set early did only piss me off more. ###$ everything im so done with this $#%^. Leave me alone...just go away. Why do i need to move this meatsuit.

I really wanted to talk about yesterday a bit actually. ( and i think due to my poor internet this wont be sent until later)
My boyfriend was Soooo sweet. And this despite having slept only about 3hours, because he was woken several times and went to bed late.
So when i got home at 5pm he was actually already awake and he greeted and hugged me. I dont know why but it meant so much to me.
And later we ate pizza, which was very nice and it meant little work from my side as well. After dinner we enjoyed some tv and netflix- we re only watching one episode of stranger things per day, and then watched some comedy. It was so nice and we cuddled a lot, so i was very happy.

And also

****Trigger warning : sex *****

So i felt so comfy and happy that i just asked right ahead if he would come and cuddle me before hed and tuck us in. But due to some things going on and all we use the word "cuddling" to also mean sex
He seems to have missunderstood which one i meant and thought i wanted sex. I didnt understood first and its been so silly xD
He told me he was too tired and i said c mon cmon until he said okey get bed ready then..and i said i am bed ready and he told me i need to lose my pyamas if i wanted to go to bed. So i was like huh? And he pulled my pants down and we had a tug war about it. It was overall just so funny and fun too and im always happy if i get sex. I did plan on like finding a moment to make a move, i guess i was lucky about this missunderstanding

by **LavenderLilly** » Thu Nov 09, 2017 10:54 am

I`m home finally and i wanted to add something to my journal.

Tenshi and kitty are arguing. A lab-mate told us that there is a presentation today and asked if we will attend it. I presume she will not go, or at least does not want to go, and hoped for me to say i also will not go, as to excuse her not going. I didn`t get the invitation, or maybe i just havent remembered. I think this might be what the green star on the calendar for today stands for. A star, so it was likely Kitty who drew it, so she was the one reading the email, but she doesnt remember things like this, since they are irrelevant to her. Im not blaming her, actually i wish we havent known about the presentation. Or whichever you may call it, it is like a seminar kind-of.
Now Tenshi persists that we MUST go, because it is expected from us to go, because it is the right thing to do. Because if we do not go, we are going to miss out on the presentation, miss out on potentially interesting and useful information.
I don`t want to go, but i think if we don`t go, despite knowing - which now we do, then we will come off as lazy. I already feel like we appear lazy. We come to college at 9:30,while most come in at 8:55. Its not a significant difference i think, but it does still make me feel uneasy. And then we leave after about 50 minutes and go home, while most of them stays in college. Fair enough that most of them are being paid to stay there. And my lab-mate goes to the cafeteria after about 2 hours simply because she has a bit more to do than i do ( she is working on her bachelors longer than me). Still i feel like i should stick around. But if i do stick around all i do is be on my phone, since i already read all (about 60) presentations i had in the first few weeks. I read 4 per day = one while going to college, one going home, one going to college again, one on my way home in the afternoon. So if i worked 5 days a week and read 4 publications per day + some on the weekends, it only makes sense i was done in about 3 weeks.
But i havent been writing on my bachelor thesis yet. For some reason i cant like roll? switch?
Its Tenshi`s job, im sure if i would to do it she would re-do it anyways. Once she would actually manage to get in charge. Because despite me wanting to pass the charge to her, she gives us intense migraine the second she does manage to struggle into control and then we just switch back.

ANYWAYS
I feel like im lazy and going to this seminar/presentation would be a great way of showing my passion for this subject. However ... ahh i really dont want to go and kitty doesnt want to go even less.
We will likely go. Tenshi said that if we go to college later, we`re at college at about 5pm when the seminar starts, and then we can just stick around. Yet this means getting home around 7pm. And so i will probably need to go right to bed after dinner...

I also need to, maybe , go and buy some chicken. There is a chicken store that only opens like every now and then, and its open today. And Kitty is in my ears that she wants to eat chicken. So if our boyfriend agrees to chicken being our dinner, then i need to run to the store after the seminar and get us some chicken and then cook us some noodles and... well Tenshi has to do these things.

Actually Kitty and Tenshi had a big fight about this earlier.
We had to walk to the store, because there is a bank and our boyfriend told us to check out his bank account if he has already been paid for this month and if so if the payment was correct (there are some issues with this). And then we went inside to buy some neccessarities.
Sadly i forgot the shopping bag, which Tenshi suggested we should always have in our bag for occasions like this, so we had to only buy what fit into our bag. Eitherway, we were there and Kitty saw the store and begged Tenshi for us to buy chicken and eat it NOW.
We re starving, at least if you ask Kitty we are. Tenshi disagrees, because she is pretty pissy about Kitty being so gluttony lately. She keeps nagging us to walk, skip the bus or get out a station earlier so we run a bit and burn some calories.
But if we re lucky our boyfriend will agree to chicken today. Although this means going to the store again at about 9pm ...yay

We bought an energy drink, sugar free. It only has 6 calories or so, so Tenshi is okey with me drinking it. I am giving it a try, hoping it will fix my exhaustion. Sadly...and i havent known this, its bubbled / carbonated. Carbonated drinks make me cry. So here i am crying drinking an energy drink XD

________________________________________________________________

And i really wanted to write about something else too.
I wanted to write about why and how this whole thing is messing with me. I was told to write this by Kitty, who i assume wants to do the same later. She is kind of like " Look what you re doing to yourself. Look what you re doing to us all! " and she thinks if i write it out it will make any difference.

I too hate getting little sleep and being even more tired than usual. I hate how i barely see my boyfriend. I also hate how i cant do any of my hobbies because i either dont have the time, the will or the energy. I often feel very guilty about doing any of my hobbies instead of studying so i rather dont do anything.

But mostly i hate people.

Hell is other people

Oh how true this is!

I hate going out. And i have to go out twice.
I need to take the bus, the tram and then do this 4 times per day. Mostly at times when they are crowded. I always feel like crying.
I`m anxious about missing the bus, anxious about showing my ticket to the bus driver, anxious about not getting a sit, anxious about getting a sit but an elderly person coming in and i would be embarrassed about sitting, anxious about standing and falling while the bus/tram is driving, anxious about how i look - in general, but also anxious about my sweaty red face the crowd is causing, anxious about people - please dont touch me, god dont touch me, oh my god you accidentally touched me and now i need to keep my sanity so im not screaming and crying and running out the bus/tram the second i can, anxious about throwing up or passing out because of all the smells and sounds and just PEOPLE, anxious about missing my stop or not being able to get out or the bus/tram driver not stopping at my stop at all, anxious about getting out and the door not closing infront of me or on me and me hopefully not tripping, anxious about crossing roads because CARS and because PEOPLE and what if i trip, and anxious about generally being outside and people seeing me, anxious about going to the hallways - usually crowded with students, anxious again about people getting too close, anxious about my peers and my deans and my lab-mates and about messing up.
While it is actually fine and calm at the lab itself and everyone is nice. Being AT college actually doesnt suck. it only sucks if i have to wait, like for several hours (if i decide not to go home). Because nothing screams panic attack louder than waiting in an uncomfortable place.

There is just ONE place im fine with. And this would be the reading section on the 3rd floor on the hallway. Im not sure what the exact purpose of this is, its just some chairs and desks in a green corner in the hallway. I presume it is for people like me or for times when the cafeteria and library is too full - which is very often at certain times. But this spot is nearly always empty, and if not many people walk in the hallway im actually in peace and quiet. Sadly lately when i sat there, there were quite some people walking by. And this drives me mad too.
I hate when i feel vonurable and insecure and then i wait and wait and time doesnt move. It doesnt matter what i do, i feel the thought "you have 4 hours, you have 3 hours, you have 2 hours, you have 1 hour left, you have 55 minutes, 50 minutes..." as loud as even possible in my mind.
Even when im home, even now. I need to go back to college in a bit, and knowing this makes me anxious and stressed out no matter what im doing. I cant even focus on studying because i tend to forget time. And even if i set alarms, i just dont feel comfortable enough to drift off. drifting off sounds like the best word to explain me doing anything.
If i do something nothing around me exists anymore, this includes Tenshi working too. But if nothing else exists it means i have no control, i cant observe, i cant pay attention, i cant be cautious, i cant run away, i cant prepare ... i hate it. I suppose im a hopeless control freak even more so than Tenshi in some ways.
While texting this i swear i looked at the clock SOO often.

With every passing day this, all of this, is driving me more anxiously insane.
I know i soon have to hold a presentation about my topic. And while i know a lot about my topic, i have prepared nothing yet. I dont even know how to start.
Kitty tells me not to worry, since Tenshi always comes in the last second, does everything quickly and perfectly , since she is such a perfectionist and we do very well after all.
But i cant help it, im anxious. Not about just failing, also about having to do all this, because if i really wait for last second it will be even harder than it has to be and we will all be soooo done with our nerves. I dont want it to come this far, but no matter how i struggle i just cant do much. I actually made like a ton of sketches and i even wrote some paragraphs but Tenshi only shook her head. The sketches are fine she said, she likes them, but the texts need re-doing. Which is fine, but then please go ahead Tenshi and make them. I cant, not even if you tell me what to do.

Honestly im much more frustrated by my life being as it is. I mean my personal life. Everyone tells me how well im doing, how well my life is and all of this. But to me it feels like my life is a complete mess, out of my control, awful and painful and chaotic and .... i get nothing done. Its so frustrating. I mean primarily my hobbies despite everything else.

____________________________________________________________
Actually there is of course this whole "healing journey" stuff going on. Which i need to admit i hate when anyone calls it this, or tries to cheer me up saying this.
Here a quote i found really true:
“A lot of the terminology that people use when you’re going through something like this is just ridiculous. If I hear the term ‘healing journey’ one more time… It is not a ‘healing journey.’ It’s a ‘numb slog.’ It’s just, ‘Well, it’s the end of another day — guess I’ll do that tomorrow.’ It’s just a numb slog until you start feeling s— again.
If they would call it a ‘numb slog’ instead of a ‘healing journey,’ it would make it a lot easier,” he continued. “Because if they call it a ‘healing journey’ and it’s just a day of you eating Wheat Thins in your underwear, you’re like, ‘I guess I’m on my healing journey.’ But if they say you’re going to have a ‘numb slog,’ you sit there going ‘I’m nailing it!’ ”

This kinda yes!

I hate when people here, or elsewhere, tell me how this is a journey or a path.
Because is it? Is it to you?
I dont feel like it is this at all. First of all a journey has a beginning and an end, and in between you have this steps you go. You know that one day you will be there looking back at here, looking back at the beginning, and thinking "oh look how far i came".
But >this< is nothing like a journey.
There doesnt seem to be a beginning, because things hardly ever have a proper starting point. You cant just pinpoint "here at this moment it all went bad". its not as easy
There is no end. If i learnt one thing in the addiction self-helping groups then it is that "you are never healed, you are always an addict and you will have to fight this all your life" and i believe that >this< is exactly like it too. You cant just fix yourself. or can you? because hell knows i would love fixing myself and be like "Phew now its finally over."
Also where are the steps? Im not seeing any steps, im not seeing any part-goals.

I was in a seminar about "project planning" and we learnt that for all big goals it is important to set little goals, break it all apart and work on the little pieces and give yourself that motivation of achieving small breakthoughs.
Well where are those on this journey? Im not seeing them.

i was told that im supposed to do this breaking apart in regards to my mental health too. Asking myself what i want to be capable of, what i want to achieve, what i want to work on.
And i did list them down. And well i can say i havent achieved a single thing.

Maybe someone somewhere will disagree, but if you ask me im still exactly the person i was when i was 3 when i was 13 when i was 16 or when i was 20. Im still exactly the same.
I`m still terrified of people, im still shy and withdrawn and anxious, im still depressed and suicidal, im still fat, im still too emotional, im still anxious, im still...
If there is one thing that changed than it is, that now im capable of hiding my emotions very well and i can control myself on the outside.
I wont cry in public, as long as i can stay strong and inflict some pain upon me, i can be strong and i wont cry. I can hold on to Tenshi and Kitty and not have a panic attack in public. I can say everything is fine, when it isnt, i can swallow my pride and my pain and my anger very well. I can leash back Kitty and mostly even Lucy.
Im capable of telling myself "wait till you re home" so that i dont mess up in public. So that i can then lock myself in the bath and cry and hurt myself and cry some more. And i do all this, without actually letting go of my self control, because i cant cry loudly or scream loudly or harm myself badly, i have to constantly pay attention to just how much of the pain i can release.

And maybe this is a very important skill to have. But i think that it isnt an achievement. Its not helping, i think its actually harming me.
I mean most people dont see that im shy or introverted or anxious. They think im strong and confident. And they treat me as if i was all of this.
Most people probably cant tell when im upset or hurt and they keep doing what they were doing,without being "punished" by their own guilt for what they did.
I cant expect help and if i do ask for help people will shush me off, because im this strong person with a well structured nice life and everything is fine. And i tell myself and everyone its fine, because yes im functioning.

And i know im supposed to just gather motivation and strength and be like " im gonna work this out"
but how am i supposed to solve a problem if i dont know how? Am i supposed to just sit here and stare at the problem and saying "it will solve itself, people say it will" while i do absolutely nothing.

because i have tried all that i knew i can and im still me and life is still life and the pain is still the same and im still the same. And i just dont know what else to try anymore.

I was suggested so much to help with my struggles and 90% of these advice were like "eh just put the pieces together" . And we arent talking about an ikea shelf, we re talking about hardcore programming language. And there is no instruction or tutorials out there that actually do more than say "eh yeah i dunno just try until it works out"
I really dont want to hear all that optimistic stuff anymore, as long as trying just means failing over and over again. Its great that its making you happy and that you re so successful but i dont even know what the hell to do and i dont wanna hear " you can do it " if i literally dont know what else to do...

Like being told to just "relax and meditate"
it does not work. I know you dont believe me, but it does not work. It makes it worse, because when i try to shut my own voice or maybe even the other voices there is either this awful pain and misery and loneliness that tries so kill me. Or there is Shini telling me how awful i am. Or maybe just maybe there is nothingness and that nothingness is scary and intimidating and causes loneliness and hopelessness. And if this nothingness doesnt hurt me, then the moment i return to reality its like the anxiety slaps me right back to the floor crying.

Or like being told " you need to learn to trust people. Just take a leap of hope"
and im like... im trying how exactly do you take a leap of hope?
I keep letting people do all the things i dont want them to do, i take risks, which then cause me to like nearly go loco in the time of the event. And when it all goes good im like "i really hope i never need to go through this again"
And no it doesnt seem to matter just how often things go well. Everything im soooooo anxious. Everytime i trust a person, especially my boyfriend, there is just F E A R and P A N I C. And if they dont hurt me i feel like GOD PLEASE dont ever ask this of me again.
And how exactly is this helping me? Because it just happens over and over until something does go wrong and then im just even more hurt, because i blame myself.

Or when people tell me to appreciate good things in life.
And it only makes me feel unthankful. Yes my life is good, things are working out, im not alone. Why am i feeling so miseable? I have no right to feel poorly.

Or when people tell me to work on my self confidence by lying to myself about things i like.
Its making me frustrated to lie to myself. "im pretty" i told this myself for 3 months straight and everytime i said this i just had to cry. And even after 3 months i still cried whenever i said to myself " i am pretty" in the mirror.

I could go on. Its frustrating. Its soooo frustrating.

And i dont want to go back to college today. Let me just cuddle with my boyfriend in my warm bed and never leave the house again.

by **LavenderLilly** » Thu Nov 09, 2017 11:52 am

Hello Journal.
Everyone is to share and it is my turn now.

I am feeling hurt and dissapointed.
Our life is based on compromises and it saddens me that this appears to be forgotten so easily. I am loving and strict, it is not a contradiction, it is required. I know that Kitty does love me, i may appear hard on her sometimes, yet it is neccessary.

If it werent for me kitty would constantly eat whatever she felt like. I'm allowing a lot of snacking and taking her wishes seriously, in all regards.
Kitty you got to chose breakfast yesterday, but you felt ill and only ate one toast and i bought you a croissant on our way home. In exchange for walking instead of taking the bus you were given a piece of your favourite candy. After our nap you were hungry and ate 4 toasts with salmon, to which i agreed because the salmon needed to be used. For dinner you wished for pizza. I agreed, since you promised to walk more today. And yet you complained about going through your promise.

I agreed to a energy drink, despite me thinking its unhealthy.
And in case you forgot, in exchange for going to the seminar i will make chicken with noodles for dinner.
I am very sorry that i cannot split out bodies in two,so that i can run to the store and cook while you play video games. Trust me that i would gladly so that.

And as for college work.
Since our last seminar on the 29. October i have not been in full charge of the body and i have not studied or worked on anything college related. I have only taken care of housework. And it must be noted that our boyfriend is helping out now as well.
I am simply reminding you all, that our seminar is im one month time. Nothing more. I am giving you a choice to avoid working for several days straight.
The longer we wait the harder it will be.

I have not visited any seminars out of interest in nearly two semesters and i have not been forcing anyone to read fun publications in the evening. I believe it is my right to attend my interests as well. I am fully supporting all of your interests and hobbies.

I been postponning your bedtime so you can spent more time on the things you enjoy. If you went to bed at 10pm as i tell you, then you wouldnt feel as tired in the morning.

I don't appreciate constantly and publically being displayed as a cold heartless bully to your fun.

This is all. - Tenshi

by **LavenderLilly** » Thu Nov 09, 2017 8:33 pm

I am soooooo tired but i really dont wanna sleep yet. Someone talk to meeee. We got home at 8pm...but yay chicky

Why am i so weird... Someone told me they got molested by someone hitting their butt in public and then walking away, and im just envious as hell. Why does noone ever like me... It would be so nice if people had the slightest bit of interest in me, both physically or mentally. But i mean... Its probably been one of these creeper guys who dont even count as guys. Still i bet she got more boyfriends than i had dates.

by **ShawTrav** » Fri Nov 10, 2017 3:52 am

LavenderLilly wrote:Someone told me they got molested by someone hitting their butt in public and then walking away,

Everyone reacts differently and has different experiences to these sort of things. So to some it is a terrible thing, while with others it might be viewed as something small and insignificant.

by **LavenderLilly** » Fri Nov 10, 2017 7:07 am

Actually its kind of "funny".
I HATE being touched in any kind of way. I get a panic attack if anyone just excidentally touches me in the tram. But... Weirdly. Being touched on my butt is okey while being touched like on my arm is really awful.
And i dont want to be molested,.i dont wish this to anyone. But i do want that "you re attractive" coupon it gives you. Of courde creepy old ugly guys dont count if they find you attractive. I suppose cutr young guys dont molest you anyway so my whole argument is invalid...

ShawTrav wrote:
LavenderLilly wrote:Someone told me they got molested by someone hitting their butt in public and then walking away,

Everyone reacts differently and has different experiences to these sort of things. So to some it is a terrible thing, while with others it might be viewed as something small and insignificant.

by **LavenderLilly** » Fri Nov 10, 2017 8:16 am

My morning started out bad. First someone,i assume Lucy, turned the alarm off..luckily we live with our boyfriend so he woke us up. Rather late though so i had to hurry.
I dont like when this happens at all! No memory and no control over it. And no offence... Its Lucy.

Also (Long story) im selling perfumes for my father and he sent me another package with perfumes, but he seems to have messed up my order AGAIN. So i like had to argue with him or rather try to fix the issue. [/color]

I will make him a drive excel sheet,so he have it easier. This is awfully frustrating.

We look soooo cutey today. Love our flowery pink outfit with a tight tunic. But its rly cold today im FREEZING. OR we re sick.

by **LavenderLilly** » Fri Nov 10, 2017 5:15 pm

###$ YOU PERSON!
Unlike you unsocializised frick im following rules and i wont name you and get in trouble. I blocked you and god helps you if i ever get to see your #######5 ass on here again.

And i hope you step on ONE HUNDRED LEGOs at the least.
###$ you!!!!!

by **ShawTrav** » Fri Nov 10, 2017 6:24 pm

LavenderLilly wrote:###$ YOU PERSON!Unlike you unsocializised frick im following rules and i wont name you and get in trouble. I blocked you and god helps you if i ever get to see your #######5 ass on here again.And i hope you step on ONE HUNDRED LEGOs at the least.###$ you!!!!!

Hmmm. Legos do hurt. Stay safe.

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