Blue and Purple Journal

Is EVERYONE going completely insane?
What the hell?

I`m sorry but just what the H E L L ?!

Today was so nice!
I slept in. Well it seems that Kitty was awake and ate but i slept. I cuddled with my boyfriend, for two hours we exchanged eskimo kisses, backrubs and head massages.
It was great.

I had a nightmare after though... Which really sucks.
Had a nightmare about him betraying me, which i am not even sure how to explain. But it doesnt matter, when i woke up he cuddled me again and now we re drinking tea and feeding each other cookies. So all is good.
I will still withdraw inside until dinner. I dont want anything to spoil my good mood :3

So i decided to give it one more try. Since i dont want to make another thread and bother anyone i will add these things here in hope someone will have mercy on me anyways. So here i will list all of my questions/ troubles and im asking for advice and feedback. And no i dont have a therapist, i havent ever had one and i cannot get one soon. Please stop asking, thats how it is. If i could then i would get one, and even then it would take a very long time till i could find the right one and open up to the person as much as i can open up online, so until then i am asking you for help. Only one condition ... dont be rude!

Since sometimes I stands for the one writing (as identified via colours) and sometimes it stands for several alters i will use I and I*, where I* means more than one alter.


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I would like to begin. My current biggest question is ...how old are we? Does it even matter? I dont know why but it just very much interest me, what our mental ages age. I suppose, perhaps i hope i can then learn how to deal with myself and with kitty easier. I mean, its not like i can really ask anyone for help but... i mean if we`re like 8 year olds then maybe the sollution to some issues is different to the solution suggested for adults?
Anyways. I would like to know if there is any smart way to identify mental age?

Secondly here are all my issues. I will try not to go into too much detail, because i dont want to write a novel and overwhelm overyone.

1. Anxiety
I think my anxiety can be grouped into - anxiety in regards to people, - anxiety of failure/dissapointment.

To start with the "easiest" anxiety. I am afraid of any kind of interaction where other people are directly or indirectly involved. Like taking the bus, paying at the store, walking the street,crossing streets, waiting at the bus stop - whenever people can see me and whenever i am interacting with people. I am afraid of something going wrong, i am afraid of embarrassing myself. It just gives me huge anxiety. Also i hate to be touched my people, even if it is only by chance. The risks of failing is very low, yet it gives me huge anxiety.

I fear people for many different reasons.I am afraid of them disliking me, i am afraid of hurting them, i am afraid of them hurting me.
I am not very good in social things and i fear of hurting people unintentionally, or dissapointing them. I suppose i am also embarrassed about many of my qualities, which on my own i dont dislike. I fear them dislike me, and then going on and hurting me physically or mentally.
I tried to observe people, read about body language and socializing. And I*`m actually very good around people as far as certain things go. At least often I*`ve been told why i worry about my bad socializing, when I*`m so good in it. But the truth is that i am just guessing, i am very insecure about my actions. And whenever i am being criticized, or someone raises their voice, or acts surprisingly, i get very scared. I been bullied a lot, which included a lot of bad things. And it is probably not true, but in my mind whenever a person dislikes me, it will mean they will go and find a way to hurt me.
This also makes it very difficult making friends. Because the more i like a person, the more i am afraid of doing something that will displease them. The more i am afraid of losing them. And the more their words and actions can hurt me. And when it comes to "public" friends i like to keep it very formal. I dont like talking about private things, i dont like showing my true face, because i fear they will go and tell everyone my secrets and humiliate me and then everyone will laugh at me and avoid me. Sometimes i get brave enough to actually stick to a "public" person for long enough to get to a light degree of friendship, but then i just get overwhelmed. I dont want to annoy them, i dont want to spam them, i dont want to be pushy, i fear of letting tenshi, kitty or god forbid lucy talk to them. I fear what they will think of me. I just dont know what to do, who to be, what to be like. And i hope they will grab the lead and just tell me what they feel and what they wish for or what they dont like. Because i do tell people "i like you" or "it is fun to be with you" but it seems that isnt enough for people to fight for me. And i know its selfish and awful of me to request people to fight for me, but i just dont know what to do. Im all up and downs. I open up, i shut down, i talk to them like a waterfall, then i dont speak a word, im afraid of them, afraid of annoying them, afraid they are thinking "just leave me alone already".
I have had a lot of bad experiences with people, where i thought everything was fine until they like exploded on me and told everyone what a clingy psycho girl i am... I am just so very afraid of what people will do if i upset them. And i really dont want people to dislike me, as stupid as this is for everyone else.

2. Trust issues
I probably already mentioned things in this regards by point 1. but yes i have huge trust issues. And i just dont know what to do about it. I have had people tell me to just "let go" and "take risks" and "jump in cold water" but as cool and smart as this sounds, what exactly does it mean? Its not like i dont ever go beyond my own comfort zones. I let people do things i dont trust them with. I tell people things that im afraid to tell them, i do things im afraid to do. I go and do things where my mind is telling me not to do them because i cannot trust this person, or any person actually. I dont even trust myself*. I go and let people do this, and sometimes nothing goes wrong, and other times things go wrong, but no matter which it is I am battling a panic attack, i am battling hurting myself over the level of anxiety "trusting" causes me. And when the situation is over im thinking "holy hell i hope i never have to do this again".
how is this trust? How is this helping? i mean i dont know if it matters HOW often i do something. Its the same as with anxiety. I am taking the bus every single day, 4 times per day. And yet it gives me anxiety far worse than literally feeding wolves. And trust is a big anxiety, that also doesnt seem to get any better.
And it shows itself in many ways. I dont trust my boyfriend, my family, my friends, strangers, myself. I dont really trust anyone. i always assume the worst, even if i lie to myself and say "things are fine", i can still feel the anxiety and the thought in the back of my head. And i hate not to be able to trust, not only is it causing me anxiety, it is also hurting others. They are being hurt by the fact i cant trust them, i am bothering them by being anxious too.


3. low self confidence / self hatred
I am again not sure, if i need to even say more than the tittle already is saying. I`m just hating myself for many reasons. Sometimes I* love many of my qualities, and I* love my looks and I*m so confident. But mostly i am very insecure and i hate myself.
If i look at my qualities that i hate the most, then i have to admit that i dont really hate them. I just hate them because they are my own.
I am embarrassed about them, rather than i actually hate them i suppose. I hate them, because others hate them.

I hate that i am weak and clingy and a crybaby. I hate that because people told me they hate it about me, because i know if i am all these things i will be a bother to people and they will dislike me. And i dislike them because it causes me pain. But at the same time, i think i would like these qualities in another person, simply because i prefer kind and gentle people over rude people. And being weak or emotional isnt a bad thing. It is only bad because it is so very embarrassing. People seem to want and support cool people, cold people, people who dont give a damn. And i am the opposite of this. It is easy to say that you re ignorant, because thats cool. BUt admiting you re emotional is very hard, because it is looked down upon.
Also it means work, at least people think it means work. They dont want to be responsible, so they rather just avoid me. But i dont want them to avoid me, i dont want them to fear of hurting me. I dont like being hurt, but it feels like im so used to being in pain it doesnt even matter anymore. I would rather have people try and fail than not try at all.

And i hate my looks. But i suppose i again dont really hate my looks, i just hate my looks because i dont fit what people want me to look like. I am not thin enough, although im likely not fat either (depending which rules you try to apply)
I dont have a bitchy face, i dont wear a lot of makeup, i dont look like others. If i look at most girls then i have to admit i dont like their looks. Because they look rude. They look scary. But that seems to be the beauty ideal? And despite not wanting to look like that, i am still upset i dont look like that, because i want to be liked. I am very stubborn though, and despite me wanting to be liked there are some ideals of my own i cant throw overboard.
I dont feel like others. I dont feel like the kind of pretty i am,belongs in this world. If that makes sense? But it is that kind of pretty that i also admire in others.
If i saw a girl looking like me, i would probably think she is pretty. I mean, there are qualities i admire in others that are not even close to my own - i love freckles, i love colourful hair, especially natural redheads, i admire green and blue eyes, petite pale bodies... But what these girls all have in common is that they weak natural or no makeup at all, and that they look shy and insecure and kind. So i guess, the things i feel i lack, i dont look for in others either...

But i know that noone looks at me and thinks i am pretty. THey look at me and they hate me. And that is why i just hate myself, so they dont have to hate me... i guess?
I always assume Shini is that. She is all the other people, she is all the hurtful things people said to me. And she keeps repeating their words, so that i dont forget how awful i am. And i cant help but agree with her, because for me it is the only truth that matters and i cant really change that i believe her/them more than i believe anyone else.

4. I`m lonely
That probably sounds silly. But i constantly feel lonely, despite having a loving boyfriend and despite having my alters. I feel like whatever i do, is never going to be good enough and it is just completely insignificant if i cant share it with someone and if i am not going to be praised.
People tell me how my self confidence would increase if i had hobbies. And yea look i hate myself, but that doesnt mean that my qualities arent good. I am good in many things. I am good in hobbies too. Although that probably sounds like i am full of myself. And i hate arrogant people...
But i`m actually good in many things. I am lazy and that is a huge problem. Still if you give me a task, i will likely do it very well.
Very well isnt good enough though. I mean considering what "good enough" is. Because in college or school i have learnt that people will NEVER give you 100% because in their sick minds, if they give you 99% they want to tell you that you ALWAYS need to try harder. And it doesnt matter if i will have to punish myself for that missed 1% or not.
Seriously. We`re good in so many things. We take very nice photographs, and we can draw pretty good by now. And we can sew good. Our best quality is that we learn very quickly and that we have good handcrafting skills. We`re good in school, good in memorizing, Tenshi is a complete perfectionist and mia is crafty/creative. Our hobbies are great. But we dont really get to do our hobbies a lot.
But still it doesn`t matter if we have hobbies and if we`re good in them, because it has to matter to someone else. Without anyone praising me, without anyone to show my work, i just feel like ...like it actually makes me sadder. There is this constant feeling of wanting to be good enough and wanting to be liked. And i just, i dont know why, but this need it is never being pleased.


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[color=#00BFFF]
I wish Kitty would write her own part, but i guess i will have to write it for her.

1. She is very impulsive
She reacts and talks before she thinks. If she is mad she will say rude things. If she is sad she will just cry. If she wants something she will throw a tantrum and be pouty. If she wants somethng and she can, she will go and get it.
And that causes a lot of arguing. I need to constantly observe her and pay attention to her and so does Tenshi.

2. She is kinky
I dont even want to go into detail. But she will make perverted jokes and be a tease to everyone she finds suiting. And she is FAR too obsessed with sexual things and sex. And she feels like we have to make up for not ever have had a boyfriend, aside of our current first boyfriend. She says we need to prove the girls wrong, that said we are ugly and unlovable. And that we can only prove that if we find enough guys who would have sex with us. But the guys online dont even count, so she just does it over and over again knowing the result will be the same...

3. Loneliness (too)
She always wants to have a caregiver. I would also like a caregiver, but the risks are just too big.
There was a thread that said that you can potentially have a caregiver in the system? I mean we do have our everydaylife caregivers. But its just not enough for neither of us.
It feels that to her, the desire for a caregiver is much stronger than for me. Because i can just pretend to be an adult, but she is far more childish compared to me. Don`t get me wrong, i like that she is so simple sometimes, because unlike me she is usually happy. She can be cheered up by seeing a cat or by chasing a butterfly or by eating a snack. And i admire that in her.
But her need to have someone to watch over her is just frustrating. Especially because we already have our boyfriend.


And i`m going to just link you to my own post about my boyfriend, where sadly i got like zero helpful comments on -> relationship/topic201322.html[/color]

AND PLEASE can you all PLEASE keep in mind that i`m of course talking ONLY about the bad and not the good in my relationship.
I dont see the need to tell you about all my good days, if im asking about help on the bad days. So just skip the "its a toxic relationship" stuff.

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I have been told some of my issues to work on are :
1. perfectionism
2. compulsive behaviours
3. being too harsh on others
4. being energy draining - or not being able to front

However, what i am personally most bothered with is the fact that we`re wasting our good potential on trying to "fix ourselves" as mia always says. I would therefore very much support that the big issues above are being handled with.

My boyfriend is still asleep (it is 6:30pm) and im starting to get lonely.
I tried to be productive. Maybe i was, maybe i wasnt...it`s hard to tell. But i am getting really lonely, although im everything but bored because i got so much to do.

Hi LavenderLilly,

I don't have time right now to write everything I would like to say in response to your long post above, but I wanted you to know that I read it and have been thinking about it. You have a lot more awareness of your system and different parts than I had before I started my latest therapy in June.

One of the things that has been helping me a lot since I became aware of some of the different parts has been understanding that I don't have to let the feelings of one of them take over and become the way things are, or the truth about things. It might be the truth for that part, but we don't have to get stuck in it right now--I can let that part know that I know how he/she is feeling, and we will eventually help them with it, but we can't fix or solve everything right now, and we need to focus on what is actually going on in the present and the positive things that are true in the present.

Another thing that is helpful is to remember that the negative feelings and views of yourself are not more true than the positive ones, even if they feel that way, so if the two opposing views are potentially equally valid, it makes sense to focus on the ones that make you feel better about yourself. That's kind of an oversimplification, but it has helped keep me from sinking into bad feelings sometimes.

I hope this is helpful, and I'll try to write more later!
S.P.

Thank you for your reply.
I would be very interested in the long version of your reply, but i am thankful for you to have bothered to reply at all, it means a lot to me.

I think that I* may actually really have a high awareness our system, although it is of course hard to compare. To me it is only natural though. We always talked a lot to each other, we still do. And i tend to be an over-thinker,trying to analyse everything and trying to constantly improve. Even more frustrating to be hitting my own limitations at so many points.
I don`t really want to but i have to admit that you`re likely right, ignoring the problems may be the best solution until you can actually deal with them. It just feels so wrong to ignore something that will come biting you eventually. I don`t know, it`s just hard sometimes to focus on what feels irrelevant.

I mean you`re right though. My life is actually pretty great, and i feel bad that i`m so unthankful and that i`m depressed.
My family supports me going to college. I`m having the privilege to go to college and im finishing with my bachelors. It is actually pretty interesting too, despite being hard work of course. I`m having a great apartment and an even better boyfriend. And i`m actually having an online friend that i think i can trust.
I haven`t had a public breakdown in a while, and i haven`t had to hurt myself as often in the last years as i had to before.
But somehow all this just makes me even more frustrated about the persisting problems i keep dragging along.

I just want them to be "fixed" so bad.
I feel like while my life is moving forward and improving, i am still the exact same person and i`m still in just as much pain as i used to be, still facing the same issues that i had to face before. And sadly i am not any better in dealing with them than i used to be.
I am still extremely anxious and introverted and the stress keeps nagging at my physical health.
I* keep doing stupid risky things to try and feel better about myself.
I*`m still a hopeless perfectionist, who will drag myself beyond a health point of obsession and work just to get a project to be 98% and who will then still feel bad about my own failure.
And I still cant help but feel lonely, undesired and unsafe. And probably worst of all, i still feel like i need the praise and appreciation of others. I know that i am supposed not to care, but i do care, and saying that i don`t just doesnt change anything. Ideally, which i know isnt going to happen, i want life to repay me for the bad that has happened. For every person that has said or done bad things to me, i want a person doing nice things for me in the same passion the others used to hurt me. I want people to chase after me and shout nice things at me, just as easily as they chased me down to see me cry. I want to have proof of why some people are wrong and others are right.
It is a HUGE problem that i cant let go of.

I can`t really explain why, but it feels like i cant possibly ever be right. It feels like whatever i feel is wrong, whatever i say is wrong, whatever i believe is false. And my truth is just less of the truth than the truth of others. To believe myself i need hard facts, and even then i doubt my own objectiveness.
I know that others arent necessarily objective either, yet their opinion has worth and meaning, while mine does not. I want to be liked by others, not by myself. I don`t seek liking myself either. I dont see the point in it, i even fear it perhaps. I dont want to be arrogant, i dont want to be the type of person i despite so much, i really fear ending up being like them. And i feel like the love of others in my system more than makes up for my own self hatred, at least in the sum of us as one person.
People tend to tell me how arrogant i am, and you have no idea how hurtful that is. I always think to myself that i need to hate myself more, whenever someone says that. It`s just so hard to like myself and not feel guilty about any of it, even if there was anything i actually would feel confident about.

Ahh you know what really annoys me? That noone ever supports me, that noone is ever on my side.
Why can`t a person be like : "This is my darling and if you make her cry i will make you cry"
Why can`t a person just support me even when im emotional or hurt or rude. Isn`t that the whole point of loving a person?!! I mean taking care of us and protecting us, so that we don`t need to protect ourserlves, because obviously people always get mad at us if we do. And this person definitelly wouldn`t be mad at us ever, because they would be understanding and patient and if they were mad we`d probably deserve it and IF they were mad they would still be understanding and patient and talk with us and not make us feel #######5.
Why can`t a person just come along and think we`re the best thing ever and the most desirable and lovable person?!!

It annoys me how Mia is so sweet and nice to everyone, she steps back from whatever she is thinking or feeling or wanting just so that other people can be happy, but NOONE ever seems to feel that way about us. BUT THEY SHOULD! So why isn`t there anyone like this for us?

LavenderLilly wrote:
I don`t really want to but i have to admit that you`re likely right, ignoring the problems may be the best solution until you can actually deal with them. It just feels so wrong to ignore something that will come biting you eventually. I don`t know, it`s just hard sometimes to focus on what feels irrelevant.

I didn't mean "ignore" the feelings. What I said was that you can acknowledge the upset and painful feelings, let them (those parts) know that you get what they are feeling, but also let them know that you can't fix them right now. It helps me (most of the time) to remember that the bad feelings are not more true than the good ones, even though they feel that way at the time. And again, focusing on the positive ones rather than the negative ones doesn't necessarily mean you're ignoring the other ones.

LavenderLilly wrote:But somehow all this just makes me even more frustrated about the persisting problems i keep dragging along.

I just want them to be "fixed" so bad.
I feel like while my life is moving forward and improving, i am still the exact same person and i`m still in just as much pain as i used to be, still facing the same issues that i had to face before. And sadly i am not any better in dealing with them than i used to be.

I don't know a different way to accomplish this other than therapy. We don't have the perspective from inside ourselves to be able to change these persistent ways of viewing and dealing with the world. I think that it's only in the context of developing a relationship with a (good) therapist that it's possible to break these patterns.

[color=#BF40FF]Uhh thanks for replying i guess.

Ohhh i was a bad girl today. I wish i could say i regret it, but nah i dont. I just dont want everyone to get mad at me. I mean yeah i guess its getting old and annoying but *shrugs* i dunno sometimes i just dont feel the tiniest bit guilty at all. Mostly i dont. I get that its kinda an addiction...but its also what makes life worth living for me [/color]