DID or trauma splitting?

Hi everyone, so much insight and honesty. Can I ask for your thoughts on this? I'm sorry it's so long :/

It's looking like I may have DID. I have definitely fractured and I'm not sure if it's "trauma splitting", a less distinct version of DID, or DID itself. So when I say "they" or "us" it's just how I think of it internally and the way it feels, so I want to understand if that's what it feels like to you.

I'm 44 and my life has been relentless trauma from an early age til now. The last two years I've started having verbal arguments with myself out loud, interrupting myself to disagree. If there isn't noise at all times even while I sleep I can hear "them" screaming at me/each other. They all say something different. I get shown things I don't want to, experience disgust and rage when I was feeling ok. Self-humiliation and identifying myself as sub-human doesn't bother me at all, and sometimes it's comforting.

I still introduce myself by my given name, and don't have names for parts that actually control me. However, before I ever considered DID, I'd drawn a picture of myself as "Lizard Queen" and referred to myself as "cucaracha" at times, but maybe I just hate myself. I'd also been saying things like, "I never know who I'll wake up as". I really thought nothing of it.

I have 2 kinds of handwriting. Wildly different clothing styles. Weeks ago I saw a mysterious shopping bag on my floor and didn't want to look inside. When I got up the courage I saw the absolute ugliest pair of shoes I have ever seen. I lose time every day, pretty much all of it. I couldn't tell you what I did last night or ate for breakfast. I couldn't tell you when I got divorced, or went to school. Twice I've come home to find the door wide open. I've woken up to find the car still running in the driveway. I've boiled 3 pots until they blackened because I forgot.

People tell me things I did that I don't remember so often that I learned to lie about remembering them. I have few memories of my children. Sometimes I'll ask someone a question only to find out I visited in person the day before. My ex-husband has said there are times he looks in my eyes and he can tell no one's there, and that he can tell just by looking what mode I'm in, but he doesn't know I might have DID.

I write obsessively and don't remember it so I never ever re-read it. I send angry emails and then marvel at my destructive stupidity and try to undo the damage the other has done. The parts can't access each other's emotions, or understand each other, AT ALL. In fact they loathe and fear each other. They both say the other is going to get us killed, one through being a passive, people-pleasing sucker, and one through being a raging, suspicious a**hole. I literally can't stop any of it. I feel hijacked. I can go back and forth in minutes or seconds.

"One of them" absolutely loves to go driving in the car and listen to loud music, but as soon as I get home I sit in the car bawling like I've just done something stupidly dangerous. I clip the curtains together (closing them is not enough), turn out the lights so it looks like no one's home. I'm terrified of people but even when I have a decent interaction, I go home and suddenly I'm telling them out loud to f-off. On a few horrifying occasions I've talked to myself in front of my kids. My rules for them change. It's ok one day, unacceptable the next.

I don't know if I'm just deeply unstable with a ton of suppressed feelings. I do have C-PTSD, profound depression and insane anxiety. I'm going back to an old therapist who told me on the phone that yes, people can have adult onset DID. Am I on the right track or do I need to do some soul-searching? Thanks for any thoughts you have!

It may not be as much as adult onset DID as you’re now getting to know about it . I think many if not most people learn they’re DID as adults , even when there are voices or other symptoms earlier

It’s not the first thing people thing of ( DID).
It will be helpful for you to talk to your therapist and figure it out.

talking to a T seems like a good idea. it sounds like you have a LOT going on.
asking for a diagnosis is a first step to deal with it. (we like the saying "what you misdiagnose, you mistreat")
I would be interested how you define "normal trauma splitting".
personally, we would not do any soul-searching and digging right now. it looks like there are more than enough symptoms going on already without digging anywhere. it needs some basic stability before you can explore. one thing after the other.

Yes, that looks very much like DID. Do go see that therapist. Your parts (including you) need to talk to one another, reconcile differences, and learn to work together in life. Most of all, your kids need that.

Just breathe. You know what's happening. Now you can have an intervention and get on the path to a better life. Congratulations.

- Cullen

This is the first time in a long time I've felt like I made sense to anyone. Just ...

LadySlippers: That's really helpful ... the question of when I split has been rolling around in my head for a while. Memories came up recently that suggest I may have split in childhood. What you're saying does make more sense than the idea of spontaneously splitting at 44. You're right DID isn't on many therapists' radars, especially when most only meet "therapy me".

birdsong87: Wise advice not to tamper with things too much. Maybe some of the fear I feel but couldn't "justify might be for very good reason. Good question, what "normal trauma splitting" is ... it's still a new concept for me but from what I understand, it's a less absolute form of splitting after trauma, more along the lines of heavy-duty compartmentalizing. While it's common for healthy people to have sides of sorts- the social, the family member, the professional, etc- trauma splitting seems to be when parts are born specifically to take on traumatic loads but they're not yet independent "individuals" as they are in DID. There's a lot of overlap with DID, which apparently it can turn into if significant stress occurs again.

Cullen, Truly_happy: words of truth ... my kids are most in need for me to get better. I might look for posts or start one about how people have managed to make peace with the guilt that comes from being a parent with DID. It's heavy. Thanks for the reminder that there are good reasons to be hopeful.

BIG thank you to all.

-Emily