Major crisis with spouse with diagnosed did.

Hello
When it comes to relationships and DID it can be hard sometimes myself and the others in the system that I belong to. Would sometimes(not often) end relationships for GrayWolf for she was too scared to do so her self. Also there were a few that didn't like the person that GrayWolf(and all of us) were in a relationship with so they could voice their opinion not only inside of the mind but out loud as well. Rules are important in a DID relationship for I know with GrayWolf that she only wants her husband to be intimate sexually with her and no one else from within the system. I do agree that speaking to your own therapist can be very helpful and it could also assist you on how to better your relationship with your spouse.
When was the last time they took images of her brain? For sometimes things don't show up at first or if they do they are so small that the doctors miss them. Maybe you can talk with her neurologist yourself and speak to them about your concerns. For the changing of the pupils could be related to something going on related to a neurological illness or it could be that who ever is around(internal being wise) just has different sized pupils than your spouse does.
I know with GrayWolf depending on who is around her eyes will sometimes change when I'm around her eyes go to more of a blueish green color. With how their is a child involved make sure that you are there for your son. Just because it is the end for you and your spouse don't mean it is the end for you and your son. Let him know all the time how much you care about him and love him that you will always be there for him. For it is important for children to understand when their parents separate that they are no the one to blame. That what is going on with the parents has to do with something that is for adults to worry about not children. GrayWolf's parents divorced when she was young though I feel they did somethings wrong very wrong. For they both blamed her for it telling her that if she were male that they would be a happy family. Her father would take her for the weekend but that was only because when he didn't her mother would get the court involved. So he would take her just to avoid going to court all the time and missing work for it.
So please make sure that you are there for both your spouse and your son though she may not want a relationship with you any longer. Maybe with some help from a therapist the two of you can be friends I can tell from what I have read that you care for her. Maybe being friends is what is best for you both right now just let them both know that you are there for them no matter what. Make sure your son doesn't feel ignored by you also with your spouse let her know. That any time she wants to talk you are there for her that you will do all you can to help her.
Johnny

First of all. Thank you for your reply's!

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last update of our story. I think I am now in a state when I can write a little. I'm having a really hard times right now.

First week passed with only a little conversation between us. All other things seemed like quite normal family life, which we have had over the years.

There were few very short conversations about the reasons for our coming break up. They were a bit strange. One day nothing was my fault, she said that she just couldn't be on a relationship because of it's demands (demands couldn't be specified). On the other day, I was the reason because of the anxiety I caused and because we've had arguments all the summer. It was like only the bad things happened during the summer and all the good things had somehow vanished.
But these were very short conversations. Other than these she asked me to keep the younger dog for a week and she asked am I still willing to help her to move her things.

Until Friday morning she didn't pack or do anything related to moving out. Then the Friday came. She took our son to her parents. Rented a small van for couple of hours. Everything happened in a hurry. Because of the lack of time we were able to only move our sons bed, table, some of the toys, one TV, shelf, few lamps, some kitchen equipment and some of their clothes.

That was it. It was like she had to leave NOW.

I cried almost the whole day. Well, it's been like that for more than a week now. She didn't. No tears, no expressions, nothing, she was just cold like Finnish winter. I can't believe that anyone could handle that day or any of the others without crying.

Next day and in few other days on a following week she came to take some clothes and some other stuff.

Now that they have moved, almost half of their things are still here. The rush ended...
Everything was left in a mess. All financial things are unsolved.

I tried to talk to her about things, but nothing really new came up despite the fact she refused to pay any of our bills and she told me that she's trying to get herself declared to personal bankruptcy (That's a possibility in Finland to get yourself in to a program to get your debts paid in x years. That will destroy her ability to get credit/debts/etc. but will fix the record in 5-10 years if all payments are made in time. Still it's a very last resort thing to do.).

One strange thing happened, couple of times. Since we've been together, she's been giving me (once/Twice a year) paintings and phrases/poems made by her. They all are about love and how she feels about me. Every time she came across one of these texts something happened and she had to leave very quickly. One time I even asked about one of the poems. That made her to leave almost right away.

Last Thursday she came to take the dog. First she only took the dog. None of the toys or blankets or foods. She came to pick those up the next day. Half of her things are still here.

On Saturday morning she called and said that the dog refuses to eat or drink. Luckily later that day she did both, but still protests in many ways.

This has been a strangest "move out" I have ever seen. Just like 15 year old running away from home.

She has still contacted me for different reasons almost every day.
I had a birthday yesterday. I got 2 video messages in which our son told me happy birthday and asked if we could some day come to visit him with the other dog. I told him that of course we will.
That's the only thing I have heard about the boy for a week now, but it's something. He seemed happy!

I also got a happy birthday message directly from my spouse, but I couldn't answer that, because I did not know what to say...

Today I was in a family therapy session, in which we've been together every two months. I was alone there. Therapists were really surprised about how things had turned out. They thought everything was going in to better direction during the summer. I agree.

Sorry about the text. I know, it's a mess. Just like I am right know. I'll try to read it again some other day and I try to explain things somehow better. Right now I just can't.

This house is so empty. The older dog left with me, is so depressed, she just waits, needs hugs. I feel so miserable because of her too. I'll go to the forest with her. Maybe we'll feel better that way.

Thanks for your support.

Updating the story...

Thank you all for your advises. Your insights have been really helpful for me, for at least, for me trying to understand what is happening.

I somehow at least wish to think that "Katten" was the one who somehow seems to know what kind of the situation I'm dealing with.

Month has passed. Things still remain strange...

It only lasted a week until I received a message from her. She was not able to handle the younger dog (Irish setter, they are really hard dogs to handle because of the endless energy they pack). I was asked to take her (dog) here with the other one (also very energetic one, dalmatian). Of course I agreed. I visited them and we had a "family dinner" and I had a little time to spend with the boy also. It was really nice couple of hours. It was just like nothing has happened at all. She talked about all the normal things. After dinner she asked me again if I was willing to take the Setter (she is the legal owner of the dog as I'm owner of the older one), at least for some time. She said that it was impossible to handle a 5 year old boy and the dog. Too much trouble and everything was too hard. Just the things she had accused me for and just the things I was trying to help her with when we still were together...

Then I went back home. It was a tough week. Setter was a mess, a nerve wreck. (I was told by my spouse) It hadn't eaten for days, it refused to drink and all it did was to cause trouble so she yelled a lot to the dog.
Setter seemed to have protested against the new home arrangements.
It took me a week to get the dog back to shape, to eat and drink again. It still isn't like it was used to be, but it has calmed down a bit. Her big sister the dal seems to calm her down, but it still needs a lot and I mean a lot of attention. Otherwise she starts to destroy the house.
This is my life now (I like it so don't get this wrong). Taking care of the dogs, one of them especially wanted by my spouse.

After that couple of days went quietly. Then my spouse made contact again. I got some very normal messages, like things were just like they were like a year ago and I just was on a work trip or so.
She seems to contact me almost every day, for some reason. Mostly for maybe just to tell something like what happened to her at work or things like that. But never more than few messages.
After a week she needed some winter clothes which were left here. We agreed that I would take those to their house, so the dogs won't be upset. So I did. Saw the kid, played with him, we had a coffee together. Nice time.

I also gave her a letter that I wrote, about my feelings, us, everything, how confused I am about everything. Letter itself was very friendly, not accusing. Still she never said a word about it.

Next day she called, they needed a ride to a hospital, because our son had tripped and had a possible tooth injury. Nothing serious came up, we just visited hospital... Nothing much to say about that incident but that I was called instantly when needed...

Few days after that we sent few messages about the dogs and the upcoming Halloween, she didn't want this conversation. She said it was too painful to hear about the dogs. It was the first time she said anything like that. Something that had feelings. I remember the end of the conversation. Last two messages were. This is too painful, I will dissociate you away *puffff*. Now I can live for a while again.

Halloween came. We had a tradition to carve pumpkins with our son, so I wanted to keep that tradition. I went to their home, and we had a dinner, normal conversation (but nothing about us or our family/relationship) and we carved pumpkin lanterns. All went well. She later referred to pumpkins about me and her... The pumpkins looked like and

Few days after that she wanted winter tires for her car. I told her I can change them, but she just wanted the tires. So I took them to her. 2 days later I got several messages about how to change them... She had called her mother to help her (she lives in another city), but it was many hours and no results. So I wen't there to help her. We changed the tires and had a little discussion about us.

Main thing she said was: This break up is painful but necessary. She does not respect me because of what happened in the spring. This breakup is needed for her system to survive. Yes, she referred herself as a system. It maybe is because of the dissociation links we had read together during the fall or maybe something else. All this came up again and again. I think she didn't even listen what I had to say... Also last time we discussed about us, the reason for breakup was different.

But this is something that some of you said earlier in these messages...

Again, week passed, with few messages. Then, they had car trouble again and I was called, this time it was dead battery. I went to help them. It went well. She at least said thanks for the, ride, battery and change work.

Last week it was her birthday. I messaged if I can come for a visit. I went there and gave her a card, flowers, salmon sandwiches for next days lunch (she loves those) and a just baked pizza I had made. It was nice time.

She told me about some trouble she's having at work. She also told she was asked to go to family therapy, the same I went a month ago (let's see if she will). And stuff like that, just like normal conversation. Nothing special, nothing about our situation. Nothing about the dogs, or anything.

Few days later I sent her a letter, just like earlier. It was about how I feel, how I know about the mistakes what I've made, about what I feel about her. She answered with message. Thanks for the mail.
It was 5 days ago, haven't heard about her since...

That was the base story.

Some other sightings and some kind of conclusion.

House where I live. "Our home". It looks about the same it looked before they moved out (that was 50 days ago). I have noticed that there are some of her things everywhere. F. ex. toilet. She took almost all of her stuff, but in every place, she left something. One one shelf there is nail polish (the other 20 bottles she took with her) and on the other shelf there is something else. There is no logic with the things which are left behind. They are new and all of them are from the higher price range. But they are everywhere. Also all of the decorative elements/photos/memories are still here. Just like almost all of her shoes...

She has keys in here. She owns half of the house... at least on paper, but it's ok for me to her to have the keys. I have a strange feeling that she has visited here couple of times, when I'm out with the dogs. Those trips are daily and last for something like 2 hours, so it's possible...


Conclusion part.

It seems that my spouse kind of acts like nothing has happened at all. (my sister agreed to that, she went to see our son with her one day)

Nothing about our relationship is discussed about. Even if asked, conversation is very limited.

Anything I say doesn't seem to help in any way. It's "ignored". No answers are given.

It seems that I can visit them once and a while and see the boy.

She seems to take contact in every two days.

Every money issue remains unsettled.

She now has some feelings. At least in some occasions.

I'm still "out in the cold".

Kid seems good.

She seems to be well also. Only the migraine has been constant for 3-4 weeks. That she said.



That's the story so far...

I don't know how this turns out. I'm starting to feel that I'm wrong in all of this. Maybe this has nothing to do with the dissociation. I don't know. Still I have tried to be helpful and kind, don't know if it helps...

And a little clarification about her migraines. She went to see the doctor (reason for migraine is not a neurological was said) about that (twice) and got new a medication. Not much about these things are shared with me nowadays, but I know that. She somewhat avoided to tell me about this when I asked...
I also think that those meds won't help. I've seen these long "migraines" before... and it's something else than a bad headache.

Also if someone wonders why I tell this "my story" here and try to tell very much details, is that I hope that someone of you will pick up something from the story and say: I've seen this before. I know whats going on... It's the thing I hope, cause it may result someone to tell another story which someone might someday find helpful. The one to get help might even be me... or maybe someone else may avoid this deadlock I'm facing right now if he reads this.

Hi Arcticshaman,

I don't post here very often and this might be a short post because I'm not well atm.

What struck me in your first post (and triggered me - that's why I chime in just now and not before) was that this started when your spouse wanted to talk about rules concerning intimate contact.

(I now your wrote that there was also this episode in spring when things got difficult between you and your spouse - here is also a topic that evolves around intimate contact...her thinking that you have an affair and then going out with your now ex-best-friend)

If I tried to talk about rules and boundries concerning intimate contact and my partner would argue with me about that, me and my alters would get really really upset and anxious. It is possible that these arguments around boundries were so upsetting for someone in your spouse's system that they are now on a path to get their destroyed feeling of safety back (hence the moving away from you).

On the other hand she (and/or other alters) seems to love you or at least doesn't want to leave you completely as she goes into conatct with you regularly and asks for help and left a lot of stuff at your home. I think this is a good sign.

One thing that was mentioned in another thread I think is that for DID-parents it can be very triggering when their child gets to the age of the first abuse of the DID-parent.
This might be just a clue why all this started.

I would try to ensure her AND her alters that you will not violate their boundries. Maybe try to find out if these inital arguments about sexual/intimacy boundries and her asking you to behave in some way upset someone so bad that they can't feel safe around you anymore.
(try to say things like: "I say this to all of you who are willing to listen and I am interested in all of your point of views if you like to express them to me.")

One point might also be amnesia walls between her and her alters: so that someone might have gone inside when your first arguments happend and now didn't hear anything you said in between.
Try to talk through to them (there are some threads on here about that - you can search for them).

I'm really sorry if this isn't helpful or sounds offensive or anything - my language skills are very bad atm.

I'll try to answer any questions to clarify what I meant if needed.
Best wishes for you and your spouse and your son!
Sol