Getting gatekeepers/honchos/deniers on board

My life would be a lot more pleasant (collectively) if we could have some control over our switching and access to information. One of our biggest challenges is from an important alter who is determined to pretend and defend that we don't have DID, but that we are just a pathetic and weak individual who uses DID as an excuse not to live our life. She is also convinced that our therapist secretly agrees with her and is going to one day use everything she knows to betray/humiliate me. She comes up with the most kooky and unbelievable explanations for the dissociative stuff that happens, and she believes them.

This would be okay if she were just one incidental part, but she has a lot of influence in our system a lot of the time. She can stop communication between parts, cause dissociative fogs, uses shame and abuse to prevent parts from fronting or from traveling, and affect access to memories.

My husband, my therapist and I have all spent hours trying to help her accept her situation, accept that we are recovering, accept other alters and their legitimate experiences. She has made some progress. She used to completely deny that DID exists at all, and that she ever lost time. Now on a few occasions she has made reference to other alters and admitted that she didn’t know what happened when she had amnesia and made a mistake. So I guess she has made some progress in the past three years.

I have also made progress. I used to think she was an annoying footnote to my DID experience, but I have learned that my DID is all about denial of what was (or is) happening, so it makes sense that this part who is profoundly steeped in denial is important in my system.

Still, if this particular routine/alter could move to the background, it feels like life and therapy would run more smoothly. Any thoughts?

no easy recipe. we think that curiosity opens a lot of ways. when the goal is to understand rather than change someone. (changing others never seems to work...)
we would try to find out what they gain from doing all this. and when the positive reasons are clear and accepted we would carefully try to ask them about the negetive side effects, the price they pay. there is always a price.
L&A

Hi

Changing someone's mind about something is very difficult, notoriously so. And you can't do it through careful, deliberate persuasion, either.

Recent behavioral research indicates that, quite literally, our views and opinions may help protect us, keep us safe, effectively help us survive. If you frame that from the role of a Protector, it makes perfect sense. Small wonder then that they would fight so hard to keep those walls strong and tall.

Recent behavioral science tells us that what’s at the core of behavioral hiccups is not poor intentions. Instead, it’s good intentions that sit dormant. A better way to improve behaviors, then, is to activate the good intentions that most people already have.

There are a number of ways to activate these good intentions, or to change the default behavior attributed to a specific scenario. The common thread they share, though, is that it's better to re-engineer the environment so that peoples’ natural inclinations lead them to engage in better behaviors.

In the case with an overly zealous Protector, changing the environment can mean repeatedly demonstrating, or allowing the Protector to see for themselves that the environment has changed and that their default aggressive behavior - while based in good intention - is no longer appropriate to the situation.

Additionally, a person is more open to change when they feel good about themselves.

The 'tincture of time'... said on this forum a few times. Lovely saying. Take care... Brett

What? You mean there's no easy answer?!

Curiosity is a great suggestion. And getting to accept the negative results of their position is good, too. The ones I'm thinking of have such a limited view of life. All they think about is this very narrow notion of "safety" that keeps me from having real security.

The good intentions idea really appeals to me. I've heard of it from Gordon Neufeld, a developmental psychologist, for helping kids who are getting overwhelmed and aggressive. But I hadn't thought of trying it here.

As I'm doing neurofeedback, I have more access to information at times in spite of these gatekeeper parts, and sometimes it feels disrespectful to go around them that way. And anyway t's still taking a lot of energy to deal with them. Maybe sometimes respecting these structures is important. It's confusing. I'm not sure.

Thanks for the good ideas. Will take some time to absorb them.

Hi Nondescript,

Colin used to be a really fierce Protector. He got in all kinds of trouble because he'd get in people's faces whenever he thought there was danger. Then one day our T told him how he was a hero and had been taking care of us a long time against really tough odds and he was probably pretty lonely. He said he hated it that we all thought he was evil. We had lots of talks about it and now we're all getting along better. Colin is still a Protector but not mean. And we all know he's really a hero who's doing his best for us. So he's not lonely anymore.

Iain

Have you all made the decision to call for a switch or use cues of the environment. Are you all allowing thise dialouging to just use what they see in the area? I think you have to random it if memory is an issue getting access to what you know is there. Yes that usually is a good idea to get someone else on board for smooth flow to unblock, not so much clutter. It should help to get more memory. Sometimes a reshare is needed even if you know they have shared with already.

IainEtc wrote:Hi Nondescript,

Colin used to be a really fierce Protector. He got in all kinds of trouble because he'd get in people's faces whenever he thought there was danger. Then one day our T told him how he was a hero and had been taking care of us a long time against really tough odds and he was probably pretty lonely. He said he hated it that we all thought he was evil. We had lots of talks about it and now we're all getting along better. Colin is still a Protector but not mean. And we all know he's really a hero who's doing his best for us. So he's not lonely anymore.

Iain

I am encouraged to hear your story, Iain. Thanks for sharing. It's a good reminder not to demonize anyone.
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Thank you for your thoughts, dlantern.