So I found a T, three sessions in...[tw? probably]

He gave me a ddx of other specified trauma and stressor related disorder. Said that when billing insurance, he gives the most benign diagnosis possible under the circumstances. He doesn't specialize in DID, but PTSD was listed. He's an LPC.

I haven't mentioned my suspicions outright. I did speak about the voices the first appointment, and he was very interested but used the word psychosis which frightened me and I wound up saying they don't talk to me, they talk to each other. Which is mostly true, but there are times when they talk to me, so it felt like a lie.

Saying it outright just feels too much like WebMD hypochondria, self diagnosis cannot be trusted and and anyway I've been told I was crazy too many times at this point to trust my own judgement on this.

Lots of internal arguments. Third session was yesterday, the scientist said I could talk but it still felt like breaking the rules. I told what I remembered and also had a tiny flash of something I hadn't remembered previously which made me afraid of remembering more.

He wants to do EMDR. I'm afraid I'll get weird and embarrass myself. I've gotten weird with my fiance and he just sort of accepts it as how I am but this is different. And also he said I'll probably remember more after and I am not sure I want to.

At yesterday's appointment I screwed up. I'd already said they talk to each other, not me. But I was recounting leaving abuser's house and sort of coming to myself when there was a sort of watershed moment. I didn't name names, but said what was said. Imogene said, what did you expect? Angrily. And the scientist said, you're the only one who can make this stop. If you keep going back, this will keep happening. You can't go back there anymore. And I felt torn with so many different opinions, not just theirs.

I'm not supposed to talk about that sort of stuff.

He didn't say much just asked if I did go back after that. No.

But I'm kind of remembering what I said and so much doesn't make sense. At one point I said that I knew what to expect when I was with [x] and then later trying to explain how I could go there and every time it was bad was a surprise, but at the same time a part of me was like, I know how to do this, not surprised at all. I remember that feeling, but not the events around it. Cognitive dissonance much?

Hey Vines. Sounds like your first T session. Congratulations! You made it through! Don't blame yourself for not doing the perfect session. Nobody gets it perfect. Maybe write down what you want to say next time and bring it in. Host used to rattle on in sessions and we're inside going WTF! So we wrote it down in our notebook. Sometimes while he was talking. You should have seen the look on his face!

Good luck,

Colin

Hi!

I just wanted to say that EMDR therapists are supposed to screen very carefully for dissociation because procedures need to be very different for people who dissociate, and particularly for people with DID or OSDD. There need to be procedures in place to protect from flooding and other adverse effects. There is a complete additional training for dissociation, and most EMDR therapists who specialized in EMDR don't take it. You may want to broad this subject with this new therapist before starting EMDR.

Personally, I tried EMDR with DID specialist who did was a beginner in EMDR and didn't do the EMDR training for dissociative people. It wasn't a disaster but was at the very least not helpful and made me feel the therapist wasn't right for me. Currently, I have a therapist who is very experienced in EMDR for dissociative training and a DID expert, and it took a year until she thought I might be ready to do modified EMDR. I actually wasn't so we are doing additional preparation. My therapist has said it is common for dissociative people to take a lot of time to be able to safely and productively do EMDR with a new therapist, and many therapists jump in too early.

Hi Ianetc/Colin. Thanks for the encouragement. I tried journaling after the second session but it made me remember why I stopped doing journals longhand over a decade ago and destroyed what I had (too many handwriting shifts and it's embarrassing to me. it's too visceral.) Maybe I'll show them at some point, but I don't think I'm there yet, even though part of me is screaming​to just come out with it.

Next appointment is the 10th and already has a starting point. We were wrapping up and he mentioned a time when he felt small. I told him to ask me next time ( I knew we were out of time) with keywords so I'd remember. It's a time as an adult when I both remember what happened and also know I switched. I don't always remember.

I wonder if he gets it. I think I probably switched six times in that appointment. I don't know if he saw it.

-- Wed Aug 02, 2017 7:19 pm --

Nondescript, he specializes in EMDR so I'd like to think he's already considered that. On the other hand, I don't know. He's talking about doing it but hasn't said anything like, on such and appointment, we'll try. I almost wonder if he knows but isn't saying it outright. Like we're both playing chicken. He did mention the risk of flooding and needing to do things to prevent it.

It's real rough to sit in T not telling. But not telling is what we're good at. Damn it was a hard habit to break. Host was freaked over handwriting too. Got to be brave sometime and get it done.

Good luck,

Colin

KudzuVines wrote: Nondescript, he specializes in EMDR so I'd like to think he's already considered that. On the other hand, I don't know. He's talking about doing it but hasn't said anything like, on such and appointment, we'll try. I almost wonder if he knows but isn't saying it outright. Like we're both playing chicken. He did mention the risk of flooding and needing to do things to prevent it.

Good. It's not a guarantee so trying EMDR were imminent, I'd ask outright, but that's just me. The experienced DID therapist who did it with me (and had experience doing it with inpatient DIDers) did no preparation and it gave me the impression EMDR would not work for me. Sounds like you're with someone who will be more careful. That's good news!

i have strong opinions...
please dont trust a T blindly. especially not one you are just getting to know.
we have seen experienced EMDR therapists who either didnt know about the dissociation or didnt take it seriously. they had no clue what would happen during the session.
it was a re-traumatizing mess. and they did not have control over it. they completely underestimated it because they didnt know a thing about DID and how EMDR could influence the system.
Ts dont know it all. its not like they know exactly what is the best for you. they usually do what they have learned. and often that is not enough for DID. EMDR is a hammer in the toolbox. does he have any other tools?

it is possible to do successful EMDR with a system. but the system needs to be very stable, with good communication, self-care in place, a solid life.
if i got that right you found yourself returning to abusers? well, that is a sign that self-care is not in place, not even basic safety is in place. you cant possibly go thru EMDR in this situation and not get worse. if the T is serious about this offer i would RUN cause he doesnt know what he is doing. at. all.

KudzuVines wrote:He did mention the risk of flooding and needing to do things to prevent it.

That is a good sign but would not be enough for me to agree to starting EMDR. I would want a lot more evidence that the T knows about and has planned for the added complications of doing EMDR with a client who has a major dissociative disorder (DID + OSDD). There is screening and a lot of preparation. Here is how one clinic explains it:

Learning how to help clients find ways to stay present is essential in the Preparation Phase of EMDR Therapy. It’s helping the client stabilize their emotional states so that they can stay present while reprocessing the old traumatic memories. Clients need to keep one foot in the present (I am in the room with my therapist) while looking at a past traumatic event. This process of dual attention is important to successfully healing a trauma. One needs to hold a witness to the event rather then just relive it and feel completely overwhelmed again.

Some other clinic and therapist web pages about EMDR and DID mention that there are professional community resources including email discussion groups and expert consultation services. I would want to know if a therapist proposing to do EMDR with me was drawing on those resources, not just "winging it" with me.

DID is not rare and there is no reason for any therapist to behave like they are a pioneer. It is all well traveled terrain and any therapist who thinks they are moving "off the map" is merely not well informed.

Birdsong, thank you for your concern. That it could leave me a retraumatized wreck is one of the things that scares me about the concept. Like him saying I'd probably remember more afterwards. There's so much I don't remember and while in theory I'd like to not have so much of my own history be missing, I feel like if I remembered it might destroy me (that might be overly dramatic, perhaps cause more grief and less functioning would be more accurate) and that's why I don't remember in the first place.

Regarding the returning to abuser's, the episode I was remembering occurred nearly thirty years ago. That abuser would be in his 70s now, if he still lives (I don't know). I also returned to my ex-husband several times, as many battered women do, but again, that was over a decade ago.

I'm quite safe now. If anything, I wonder if it's my current situation that has brought all of this to the forefront. I'm not clawing to survive anymore, I can actually live, so now I actually have time to look at how I exist and it's not how most people do.

-- Thu Aug 03, 2017 11:25 am --

Thank you, Una. I'll try to get up the courage to broach the subject. Easier to tell the fears I mentioned in my reply to Birdsong. I don't think he thinks he's going offmap but it occurs to me I could be doing both him and me a dangerous disservice if I don't come clean before attempting that.

Annett, we share your strong opinion.

Full disclosure: We told our current T that we won't do EMDR under any circumstances, and that she should stop suggesting it. One or two experiences trying it with our previous T--who was trained in how to do it--were completely unproductive for us and amounted to nothing more than pointless sounds and tapping.

We have no desire to go looking for memories, nor do we have any desire to work through any issues by any method other than discussion and conscious contemplation. For us, EMDR is too much like hypnosis, which seems like a way of relinquishing conscious control. We won't do hypnosis either.

Your Mileage May Vary (tm).

MDs