Numbing Out

I keep numbing out with food , with shopping when I start to feel on shaky ground -when my insiders start to come out.
I feel ashamed because I know it prevents us from communicating but my anxiety and fear becomes so overwhelming.
I'm stuck , and it's because I get so afraid . I tell them to please go slow ( no loud voices in my ear)... I need to resolve this or we'll never develop relationships inside with each other and they'll be doomed to silence.
Anyone else use food and shopping like a drug ?
Thanks,
Beth

Hey Beth

I am not sure exactly what you mean but yes food and shopping are both coping mechanisms. Like drugs, alcohol, SH, dissociation.

What are you afraid of ? You can set rules. like only one can speak at a time. Or ask that if they want your full attention, they need to talk to you when you can listen. Or maybe they are yelling because they don't feel validated. Validation goes a long way. I will often say I know this is important , but can we deal with it at lunch. And you have to follow through.

It is really hard. and I haven't read your other posts to know exactly how you all are doing. But it sounds like you are on the right track.

Take care
Sam

Thanks Sam...
There's only 1other post because I'm new here.
A while ago I felt like I was falling apart . It was terrifying because my vision and hearing would change and I got such bad headaches I wondered if I should go to the hospital . I had a sense it was my insiders wanting / beginning to come out . And I was right.
It felt very chaotic and I was scared. I realized then that bingeing on food or shopping kind of " settled " things down. But it's become like alcohol or drugs and just shuts off communication ... then I feel a bit normal for a while, although numb and constricted .
I realize I need to be more open and accountable to my inside people.
So I thought I'd reach out here.
It's not the communication per se that feels chaotic -its that sense I'm falling apart / massive anxiety and the feeling of big time switch/blackout going to occur.
I need courage ,
Beth

-- Sun Jul 30, 2017 10:04 pm --

Thanks Sam...
There's only 1other post because I'm new here.
A while ago I felt like I was falling apart . It was terrifying because my vision and hearing would change and I got such bad headaches I wondered if I should go to the hospital . I had a sense it was my insiders wanting / beginning to come out . And I was right.
It felt very chaotic and I was scared. I realized then that bingeing on food or shopping kind of " settled " things down. But it's become like alcohol or drugs and just shuts off communication ... then I feel a bit normal for a while, although numb and constricted .
I realize I need to be more open and accountable to my inside people.
So I thought I'd reach out here.
It's not the communication per se that feels chaotic -its that sense I'm falling apart / massive anxiety and the feeling of big time switch/blackout going to occur.
I need courage ,
Beth

Hi Beth,

I'm new here too. I can so identify. Not so much with the shopping, but definitely with the food. I know I have a binge eating disorder and I've used food as a coping mechanism for many years, long before I was dx with DID (which is only in the last 3 months). I'm on a good food plan right now through a 12 step program. No sugar, etc. I'm so glad, but it is not easy.

A couple weeks ago I didn't communication for about a week because my sons were here and we had a family reunion. Everyone inside was in an uproar. I had to work pretty hard before things calmed down again. My people have a lot of abandonment issues so when I don't stay in relationship, everyone is a mess.

It really taught me that I have to stay in touch.

Blessings,
Berta

Thanks Berta,
How long have you been on food plan? It's interesting because that's when my DID symptoms started in a big way -after I'd stopped medicating with food ( about 3 months into program). I went to OA.

When the symptoms got really scary I started bingeing again which stopped the symptoms but also stopped most communication . I kind of blocked my own healing.
I knew someone once whose memories came up after she quit smoking .
I guess the bottom line is to stop medicating and deal with the anxiety -
Stay safe,
Beth

We have food issues.

You may find this thread helpful:

dissociative-identity/topic194717.html

MDs

numbing, no matter how you do it, is a way of coping. its just got this downside, that you often numb the positive things too and the long-term effects are not as helpful as the short-term help.

you cant just give it up and think that suddenly you can deal with all the stuff you are numbing. try to focus on learning new strategies for coping to replace the numbing. baby steps. with our T we speak about allowing teaspoons full of feeling to become aware, learn how to manage that, then add more.

we stick to a meal plan too and it has stopped the binging. there were moments when it was close but we learned to help each other out to regulate the emotion.

we turned the shopping thing around. when stressed we de-clutter instead. giving things away can feel good too. it cant be stuff you need or anyone in the system really loves. but over time we have collected tons of stuff to de-clutter. it is a more controlled way of avoiding the inner experience, one that serves us, and saves us money. we would be greatly in debt if we had kept the collecting stuff up... sometimes, when you still need the numbing to some degree it can help to turn to something that is less harmful.

Hi Beth,

I've been on food plans/diets off and on for years, but this time I'm abstinent for 9 months. I've been in therapy before, but always was eating so I never got to the core issues. This time is when my DID was revealed and I've been able to communicate with "my people." It's been tough and I know that I would not be doing this work if I was binge-eating. A definite plan of eating is crucial to me, a sponsor, and support, especially from my higher power. It's tough, I don't know if I could have done this work before while staying abstinent.

Blessings,
Berta

Geeze... thankyou all.

MD , the link helps and leads to other links.

Berta, I get it." The always eating and never getting to the core issues". I think I'm terrified to get to the core issues . It sounds ridiculous cause I'm on this board but even really really accepting the DID is also a huge issue for me because it means all these things that have come up might be true. Plus the DID itself frightens me even though I know intellectually that's what and who saved my life. For whatever reason the out of control feeling that comes with DID " surfacing" is extremely frightening . I know when I stop the bingeing it'll be back.

birdsong, I appreciate your words. I tell my T these things and he tells me I've already survived and will do so . I don't know that he understands the ways I numb out are really destructive and numbing because he sees a lot of people using alcohol , drugs that can quickly kill you. Or maybe I'm making excuses . He has offered support to deep breathe. Ways to ground..
It doesn't feel like enough but maybe just utilize them -deep breathing , visualizations , leaving memories there. But it's also the emergence of my inside people. How to cope with that anxiety ? Or just live through it one moment at a time. Maybe journal or draw. It's just so intense and debilitating when it happens.

I like the tsp of feeling idea. What do you do after you have the tsp of feeling?

Decluttering is a good way to use my anxious energy and improve my living space . I cling to my possessions -usually clothing but also books and stuff., Maybe I can let go of some less important things and see how it goes.My living situation is negatively affected by " stuff" and it has caused financial problems for me. Clothing /wanting to change my looks plus colors and fabrics are a huge draw. I hoard stuff. Lots and lots of kids books. Art supplies. Stuffed animals.

Writing this all down helps me see the big picture of my unhealthy ways of coping -I obsess about animal abuse, environmental issues-I can spend inordinate amounts of time reading very disturbing crime stuff. Trying to " figure it out". Trying to understand pathological criminals . I believe I was exposed to a lot of crime in my childhood.

Then i can spend hours and hours signing petitions online to change laws for animals, wildlife , environment. Petitions to punish criminals of animal abuse. Write to factory farms . If stores ethically source their leather products ...
It's never ending.

The flip side is I ride my bike, garden, walk, knit, cook, read good stuff. Journal when I can . So it's not all bad choices. But I get stuck easily and quickly .

I want to work through these things -hence my reaching out here. I can never heal the ways I keep us stuck . Maybe the support and understanding here will help.
It's the shame too, feeling like I'm whining . Maybe I am. Maybe I'm weak but I don't think so. I have a ton of stressors besides the abuse and the DID itself. Doing the best I can .
Persistent if nothing else-Beth

LadySlippers,

You are so on the right track. I know you will do the work you need to. I sense that about you.

Blessings,
Berta