What If I WAS Faking It?

So, as a system, we have constant self doubts. They cause me (the 'original') to go dormant for months at a time.

What if it turns out I had made this all up?

Are there people here who've been told they have by a therapist?

Would I still be welcome?

Sorry... it's just a thought that comes and goes a lot.

~Scarlett

Just wanted to clear the stuff up that Scarlett left vague, this was her first outside communication in about a month so she's a little bit out of practice.

We aren't consciously faking it, but constantly feel it's factitious as I'm sure many other's do.

We also haven't got a diagnosis due to living conditions, and it makes us very angry. Especially the littles.

~Lex

We know what you mean. And it's ok. Many of us often go through a denail period, where we question us. We question our trauma, and question each other. It feels as we are not real. That we are making it up. And to feel is ok. That feeling is normal for a dissociative disorder. That's part of what dissocation is. The feeling that you or a part of you is not real. And it's ok to feel that way sometimes.

We never had a therapist tell us that we were faking. I'm sure that no good therapist would ever do that, even to people who completely know they are faking something. And the fakers need help, sympathy, and care too. So I'm sure even them will still be accepted and welcomed in therapy. Of course since we don't live in a perfect world, there are bad therapist who might be rude and invalidate your feelings. It is sad because it really does hurt. But there are still many things you can do if it happens. If you ever had a T or a future T invalidate your experiences, you can always either tell them or get a second opinion and change your T. It is perfectly ok and fine to do so.

And I'm pretty sure you're not faking it. I heard that people who are faking, know for sure at all times that they are. Since it seems more like confusion, I'm sure your expriences are real.

We can very much relate to the fear of faking. I'm sure many do. Since it's something we all face at least once.

We have a small fear of faking and losing each other in the main group. We don't have a fear of intergration since that is our goal. But a fear of handling trauma alone. That attachment to each other somtimes caused us to be afraid if it's a sign we are faking. We worry that if we are faking, we're wasting everyone's time, we need to snap out if it and be normal. On the other end, we worry that if we can confirm that we do have it that we might have to treat each other more seriously, there might be more trauma, but at least we can still dissociate it and ignore the trauma and alters who know trauma. It is not a healthy thought. But I just wanted to share the thought process since it's ok to feel it sometimes.

Because that mix of denail and fear is perfectly ok to experience at times. It's something we all go through. You're not alone.

I'm sorry your going through a denail period now. It is rough to not know if your experiences are real or not.

Sometimes Host thinks he's making it all up. Just denial sh*t. It's pretty funny because he's thinking "I'm faking DID" and we're all inside going "You are SO not making this up!"

Colin

Cyancelity wrote:
What if it turns out I had made this all up?

It requires a really huge amount of work to fake it, so unless you spend all day trying to fake it then you are not it is normal to feel insecure about it. But if you think of it, how much work doesnt it take to fake alters, trying to imagine what they should say and do all the time without any breaks, ever... that is a huge amount of work to do.. and when you spend all that time to fake it, then you know that you do it too..

Thanks everyone. From what you've said, I either have DID or a very similar disorder.

I've realised that it would be very difficult to consciously create input in my head for around a year now.

~Lex

i felt compelled to reply because i've felt a lot of resentment at those i perceive to be "faking" in the past few months.

it's frustrating to realize you have this seemingly-bizarre disorder that steals your time and memories, makes you do things you don't want to do, etc etc, and that someone would go to the trouble of playing pretend at that.

however, i have also come around to the idea that DID is itself a form of "faking" - it is the self desperately trying to be protected and to survive. you split and "fake" being someone else so you can get through whatever is happening to you. that thought helps me be more patient about the idea of people convincing themselves they have it when perhaps they don't technically meet the criteria. after all, it's literally all in our heads anyway. there's a line in the Hole song "Violet" where she says "I fake it so real, I am beyond fake".

if you or anyone else convinced yourself they had alters and were switching, that would be for a reason. maybe it would be different from the reasons others have to develop alters, but it still means something is going on. you don't generally convince yourself of something like that unless you're trying to make a change, whether that's survival, creative force, connection, self-soothing, etc.

i guess it reminds me of how people would look at someone who cuts themselves shallowly and say "they're just doing it for attention" - sure, ok. but if the need is strong enough to motivate them to pick up a blade and use it, however lightly, that means the need is legitimate and should be addressed. it's no less valid than someone who cuts veins and arteries.

this is a longwinded way for me to say that, if you are convincing yourself you have DID, you probably have an underlying reason for it, and i think this is a place where everyone can share their thoughts and experiences without fear. i'd say the only problems arise when someone is outright lying and intentionally presenting something other than their reality.

hopefully none of that comes across as offensive, since it isn't my intent.

denial is powerful. i get it all the time. even in the face of obvious switches, time losses, etc. our culture isn't one that accepts the notion that people think and live differently. we live in a linear and concrete world, but souls and minds are diffuse and entangled and amorphous.

vortexvoid wrote:i felt compelled to reply because i've felt a lot of resentment at those i perceive to be "faking" in the past few months.

it's frustrating to realize you have this seemingly-bizarre disorder that steals your time and memories, makes you do things you don't want to do, etc etc, and that someone would go to the trouble of playing pretend at that.

however, i have also come around to the idea that DID is itself a form of "faking" - it is the self desperately trying to be protected and to survive. you split and "fake" being someone else so you can get through whatever is happening to you. that thought helps me be more patient about the idea of people convincing themselves they have it when perhaps they don't technically meet the criteria. after all, it's literally all in our heads anyway. there's a line in the Hole song "Violet" where she says "I fake it so real, I am beyond fake".

if you or anyone else convinced yourself they had alters and were switching, that would be for a reason. maybe it would be different from the reasons others have to develop alters, but it still means something is going on. you don't generally convince yourself of something like that unless you're trying to make a change, whether that's survival, creative force, connection, self-soothing, etc.

i guess it reminds me of how people would look at someone who cuts themselves shallowly and say "they're just doing it for attention" - sure, ok. but if the need is strong enough to motivate them to pick up a blade and use it, however lightly, that means the need is legitimate and should be addressed. it's no less valid than someone who cuts veins and arteries.

this is a longwinded way for me to say that, if you are convincing yourself you have DID, you probably have an underlying reason for it, and i think this is a place where everyone can share their thoughts and experiences without fear. i'd say the only problems arise when someone is outright lying and intentionally presenting something other than their reality.

hopefully none of that comes across as offensive, since it isn't my intent.

denial is powerful. i get it all the time. even in the face of obvious switches, time losses, etc. our culture isn't one that accepts the notion that people think and live differently. we live in a linear and concrete world, but souls and minds are diffuse and entangled and amorphous.

Thanks for the in depth answer. It's nice to have so many opinions.

~Lex

If you were faking it you would still have a problem and it would still be okay to seek help and get help. You are worth it.

Una+ wrote:If you were faking it you would still have a problem and it would still be okay to seek help and get help. You are worth it.

Getting to accept this answer was a source of rest for me. Thanks, Una+, for bringing it up when I was asking this very question years ago.