Opressive fear of being 'taken over' - sound familiar?

ok... i just wrote out this entire post then got logged out when i tried to send it. awesome.

** TRIGGER WARNING: this post will involve me talking about dissociation, switching, and paranoia **

the short of it: im 19. i have a long history with depression, anxiety and what's rounding up to be PTSD. i've also had a few periods in my life that have lasted a couple of years then faded slightly, where it felt like there was more than 1 entity inside me (with varying degrees of control). but i don't feel like i can see them as properly related to this new stuff because my circumstances were very different at those times (being a child, being under enormous amounts of psychological stress/abuse, etc.) and since they just started and stopped within a few years of each other. i've gotten the impression that DID is much more consistent than that. but that's another thing entirely

i've started seeing a therapist this year and with all the old emotions, a lot of old problems are arising as well. i had 2 days straight where it felt like i was possessed by a 12 year old - i cant talk about amnesia because my memory is incredibly subjective anyway, but i can remember moments where 'I' would become aware of what was happening, and i was scared ****less 1) because of how long it was lasting and 2) because i was simultaneously experiencing what felt like a separate entity's feelings and reactions (i.e. not recognizing my flatmates and girlfriend, suddenly alone in a strange house, etc.).
so that wasn't fun. it was the most intense feeling of that i've ever had in my life (that i can remember) and it hasn't happened again since, mostly because i've been avoiding the things that triggered it out of fear.

since then, i've been taking more time to analyze what things make me afraid and why, since it's becoming clear that it's just getting more complicated. and i'm way scared of unfamiliar things - people, places, websites, pictures, even talking or thinking in a certain way and then thinking 'that's not how i would usually do that'. not in the sense that i'm literally scared of those things, or even scared of switching - it feels more like when i engage in things that aren't explicitly familiar to me, i'm 'straying away' from my 'self' and leaving it unguarded... from SOMETHING. as though if i'm not vigilant, something else is going to swoop in and take my place/my personality and self is going to be shattered/i will be lost forever.

when i mentioned this to my therapist, she was the one who related it to DID after also hearing my recollection of the 12 year old thing. she said it sounded like a gatekeeper working overtime to keep a switch from happening - does that sound similar to anyone else's experience? i know it shouldn't matter, but i just feel like an indescribable mess right now.
last night i also explained this feeling to my girlfriend, who also experiences dissociation and identity problems. she didn't really get it and thought i was just afraid of changing as a person, saying i should just do the things i'm scared of. i'd love to, but i just wish i could escape this looming sense of dread that i get from them!!

here's where it got bad. all through this conversation i'd been feeling more and more tense and anxious (as i tend to get from talking about this stuff - i'm not in an ideal place right now even, but i'm at the end of my tether and need to ask). once we stopped talking and she fell asleep, i felt like this dark weight had dropped onto my body. my whole chest and throat felt taut, as though they were being pulled towards my center, and i couldn't move.
now i have NO history of sleep paralysis or anything like that! i sleep like a rock. this felt horrible externally, but it felt like i was FIGHTING OFF something internally - i kept expecting to see a figure appear over me, in a bad way. i would feel as though i were being scrunched up, then having everything ripped out of my chest, before i would realize i was still lying there. i didn't love it, basically. eventually the feeling faded and i began to feel more like i was lying in bed with my girlfriend instead of my own existential dread, but jeez!!!!!

does any of this ring a bell with anyone? at the moment it just feels like there's a million things going wrong with me and no answers. i know that's kind of the nature of mental illness, but like i said, no one around me understands what i'm going through and it's hard to feel like i'm even on the right planet. if anyone has any ideas, advice, or even similar stories i would really love to hear them right about now!

Hi Jacqal,

I have a similar thing happen sometimes. When I'm under stress or dealing with the abuse in therapy sometimes I get shut down, it feels like a huge boulder is being rolled onto me and it's heavy and I have to lay down on the floor, not sit, not lay on the bed, lay on the floor until it passes, which is usually about 15 minutes though the lingering effects, like being distant and disorganized and, well, dazed, can last for about a day. It doesn't usually scare me, I'm not necessarily afraid of it, though once in a while I am but I reassure myself that, no matter what, eventually I will come back (it took me a long time to learn this, to be comfortable with that kind of vulnerability, and to let go of trying to control everything). Identifying what tends to bring this on and timing it is helpful to me.

Maybe you are scared of your dark side, assuming you have one. Maybe you can ask if there's a better way to meet.

I don't know if this really is similar but I really wish you well. There are a LOT of scary/weighty aspects to this condition but they all have explanations and solutions and it gets better, especially when you set yourself to figuring it out.


Take care,
M, CJ

PS if you want external resources on vulnerability, Brene Browns TED talk is an excellent starting point.
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

yup.

about the same age. body symptoms aren't uncommon.

so first thing is to just take a deep breath and let it out.

then make sure you are taking care of basic needs. eat. sleep. shower. drink water.

are you around safe people in safe places? that's all I am going to say. look inside for the answer.

start a coms book if you haven't already. this is gonna be ok.

I know it's freaking you out now. because the unknown is scary. you and 12 year old you, and any other yous that want to just start communicating with each other. then things won't be so scary.

make sure your toolbox is full. grounding/calming/safety.

thank you guys for your replies - i'm not sure how to respond but i'll think about those for awhile!