I never know who my wife is. *may trigger*

I never know who my wife is from day to day. And when she is stressed out, sometimes I don't know who she's going to be minute to minute. I've been with her for almost 10 years and I'm trying to figure out who she is. I've researched all kinds of disorders including Bi-polar BPD NPD Schizophrenia and MPD/DID.
She got diagnosed with bipolar a couple years ago and some sort of paranoid anxiety disorder before I knew her. The bi-polar diagnosis is so obviously way off. It's so much more complex than that. From my experience with her, I have seen almost every BPD trait to an extreme degree for the entire last 10 years. I have also seen almost every NPD trait for the last 8 or 9 years. But she also has moments when she is sincere, vulnerable, "real". Almost childlike. Narcissists don't have that. She can go from being the sweetest, giddiest, lovable, funny, beautiful person to an absolute sociopath within seconds. She recently went through the worst manic episode I've ever seen, with probably the worst psychotic behaviors, as well as the most extreme sociopathic behaviors I've ever seen as well, and is currently in jail for vandalism and assault.
But, a few days before she got arrested, she broke down crying and told me she constantly hears this background noise in her head. I asked her if it was just noises or sounds, or if it was people talking. (I didn't say "voices" because I thought that would be a trigger word.) She said it was people talking. I asked her how long she has heard them, and she said she can't remember a time when she hasn't heard them, and sometimes there seems like hundreds of them at once, and she doesn't know what to do. This to me doesn't seem like the typical "oh you hear voices so you're a schizophrenic" type of thing. The thing I thought immediately was that they were alters. Also, within a few minutes of her telling me that, she changed personalities. She switched personalities about 4 times in about an hour.
I know she has had a quite traumatic childhood, and I mean a book could be written just on her first 12 to 15 years of her life.
I have recently learned that people with DID can also have BPD. I think personally that someone with DID could possibly have alters with any number of separate personality disorders. Like a few might have BPD, others might have NPD, others might have anxiety or paranoia disorders, and others might be quite normal, not exhibiting any unusual traits.
She is also delusional and paranoid once she starts getting sick too. It usually starts like this. She'll have a migraine. Then she'll start losing sleep. Then she'll start believing delusions. If the delusions are negative, (ex. someone online she's never met knows where she lives and is coming to kill her) it leads to paranoia. If they're positive, (ex. a famous recording artist just released a new music video about her) it leads to grandeur and narcissistic type behaviors. As soon as someone doesn't go along with her delusions, she becomes aggressive, abusive, and combative. (And by abusive, I mean, verbally, emotionally, and physically.) She then goes back and forth between sociopathic and psychotic behaviors. (ex. throwing trash in the streets, vandalizing neighbors' houses, showing verbal disrespect toward landlords and police, etc, to repeating inane phrases over and over again while crossing her eyes and talking like a kid.)
But I've noticed that if she's not sure if the environment is safe or unsafe, she'll switch personalities every few minutes. It's like the different alters are trying to figure out which one is needed at the time. Or it also may be that since she isn't sleeping, different alters have to come out to take over when the one that's out gets exhausted.
I personally don't know how to explain all these traits at one time except by DID. How could someone have 90% of the traits for BPD and NPD and paranoid and anxiety disorders (consistently for years and years) and hear all those people talking to her in the background? Plus how could she completely change interests, beliefs, preferences, tone of voice, etc.?
That's what I mean by not knowing who she's going to be at any given time.
So my question is, in anyone's opinion, does DID seem to explain this behavior better than anything else? Or could there be a better explanation than that?
I would appreciate and value anyone's honest opinion. Thank you.

It sounds like you and your wife have been having a very turbulent time and that at the moment some kind of stabilisation would be helpful????? It seems you already have professional input. Does your wife have a consistent long term therapist to whom she might be open to talking about the voices? Are you able to talk with her about your thoughts on DID? Can she ask to be assessed for DID? Whatever the outcome it sounds like you both need support. All the best to both of you.

Hi howMany

We can't diagnose your wife for you, but I have been going through something similar for the last 8 years with my SO. I tried to treat her kindly and compassionately but after one very violent outburst, I took her to a private psychiatrist. Her initial diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder with psychotic episodes. We followed a medical program, she had weekly psychotherapy sessions, she went on a DBT skills course.

Life stabilised for a while and then it all fell apart. I had no idea who I was dealing with from minute to minute, but it certainly wasn't the woman I'd met. I kept a detailed diary of her behavior for a couple of weeks and then presented it to her psychiatrist, saying, "I think my wife has Dissociative Identity Disorder." I expected to be laughed out of her office, but she just said that she'd get in touch with her T and adjust their treatment plan.

DID is covert. It's often misdiagnosed - lots of stories on the forum here about that. There's also a thread about how long it took for people to get the correct diagnosis. It is also often present with other personality disorders. Alter personalities may have a specific personality disorder that only exhibits when they're present - that is quite common.

Safety is the first thing to take care, her own, yours, any children you may have and people she comes into contact with. I'm very sorry to hear that she was arrested. That must be very difficult for both of you.

My wife's conditioned continued to deteriorate despite the treatment she was receiving. I spent everything I had and money I didn't have trying to get her treatment that would work. Nothing worked, and eventually her psychiatrist recommended involuntary admission to a psychiatric facility. It took me over a year to make that decision. I thought it would be letting her down... I thought a lot of things. Eventually, her behavior become too dangerous and anti-social that I had her institutionalized. It took 4 days of me consistently phoning the EMS services and requesting assistance before she was finally admitted to a local psychiatric ward for evaluation. They referred her onto an in-patient program at a psychiatric hospital.

While she was in-patient, the family could breathe again. I wasn't constantly worrying about her - she was safe - and the kids relaxed completely. The security of the in-patient program also helped her. she had containment, order, reliability. She couldn't act on her impulsive, anti-social urges.

From my experience, and from what you describe, I recommend that you immediately get her evaluated and into the state mental health system if required. If she does have a disorder, now is the time to help her - she needs it. If she passes her evaluation, then you some place to work from. I'm not recommending that you label your wife insane and put her away. I'm saying that sometimes people need help.

Happy to talk further... Brett

hi howmany

Sounds like DID to me but of course we can't diagnose. Does she have a T? Even so, it is hard. Therapy is hard, especially because DIDers are often stubbornly independent. I mean after all this has SAVED us.

when you describe your wife I can almost feel it. Feel the unsettling trepidation that seems so unfounded but is so real. You (or in my case my SO) is not a threat, is safe and contained but why does this hurt. Attachment healing and therapy is no walk in the park. For either of you. But knowing and accepting is half the battle.

When she gets out of jail, maybe you can direct her here to read, to listen to others' experiences and see if it rings true for her. I am not always here, but know I can come here when I need to. Brett will be a great SO resource for you.

If she doesn't have a T , I suggest you visit the ISSTD website and see if there is one in your area. If not at least one that is versed in attachment injury and dissociation if possible.

I can't say why, but I feel like your wife is special. An exceptional person to know.

Next time you see her remind her you love all of her whatever that ends up being. That even if she begins to define herself differently over time (alters, parts, etc) that it doesnt matter because all of those parts have always been there, and the whole package is what you have loved from the start.

She has probably never heard that from anyone.

Sounds like you really care. She's lucky you're there for her.

Brett knows this stuff. You can trust him. He's been there and done hard things.

Good luck,

Colin

I'm mostly new at expressing this.



For those supporting a spouse without ANY disorder if you feel like it is DID take it externally when you deeply think about how to support him or her. A host with several people, get them to know each other aren't all people different included the children it is going to take time. I think you emphasize safety what makes sense to do, how can you be safe sweetheart it is going to start if she is wanting normal no matter how much it seems like a fight against herselves. Acceptance is gradual you are going to have to allow changes day to day maybe even more than that. Don't try to dig into the inner world co consciousness advance issues and too early issues before she is ready. I think you will know when she is ready if there is just plain ole resistance, there is nothing wrong with thinking sometime is just too dang on painful to face.

I appreciate all your responses, and I am looking into some of the suggestions some of you have made. She doesn't currently have a therapist, because to this point she has been in denial, maybe not outright denial of everything, but denial that she needs a therapist. I'm hoping that all of this coming to a head now will cause her to rethink that idea and that she will be willing to see one.
I care a lot but I know I'm qualified to deal with this issue like a good therapist would. I'll do what I can though. I know patience is very important.
Again, thank you all for your input. It is quite helpful.
I appreciate it.

Hi howMany

I promise: no judgement from me. I'll support wherever I can.

I've been in situations where everyone wants to judge me, and what I'm doing, and what the real situation is, blah, blah. Yeah, but they get 30 - 60 minutes - you have it 24/7.

Good luck dude... Brett

Thanks man. I appreciate it. I feel like we're on exactly the same page. (except I'm at the top of the page and you're at the bottom of the page, because you're further along than I am.)
I especially appreciate your support after reading your most recent post. I clicked to post a reply, but I had no idea what to say.
It's so hard for people like us, who have invested so much time energy and emotion into a relationship, and especially when there are children, just to see it all fall apart in front of us, and not being able to do anything about it.
One thing I know is, whatever happens, we won't ever stop loving our wives. (which is why it hurts so much).