Opinions?

A while back I posted pretty much this in the DDNOS forum.

--I found 400+ pages of typewritten stuff from the last 4 years I don't remember writing. I also found some drawings that I know I did, I just don't remember drawing them.
--I don't remember being in my house until I was 10-12 years old. I lived there essentially my whole life. My friends also reference stuff I don't remember happening
--I have different settings. I'm pretty sure that's normal but mine come with conflicting philosophical/religious beliefs, favorite colors, favorite food, ways of treating other people. They kind of range from introverted to clinically antisocial so I don't pick those settings when interacting with others (that I'm aware of but my memory is crappy so...)
--I do dissociate. I space out, lose track of time, have difficulty thinking, but there's a couple voices in the back in my head that can snap me out of it.
--I look weird to myself sometimes. Like I scare myself in the mirror. And my body doesn't always seem right, I get the feeling I'm really high off the ground and my body is just a parasite and stuff.
--I have at times of great stress, been trapped in the back while my body did things and said things without my permission sometimes very emotionally (which was strange because I wasn't very emotional). But this doesn't happen often.
--My dreams don't bother me in my sleep but they freak me out when I wake up. They are vivid and demented (ritualistic cannibalism, suicide via toxic light metropolis?). Just to clarify I'm not saying since it's demented it must be related to DID/DDNOS; I'm just trying to say I might not know myself as well as I thought I did.
--I rarely experience any kind of feeling directly and have great difficulty talking about it. I kinda have to survey other parts of me in my head and figure out what makes sense and is socially acceptable to come up with some kind of frankenstein answer.

...and it was recommended to me that I try this forum but like I didn't want to. I mean it's not what I would imagine DID to feel like where I wake up in the middle of the street wearing clothes I don't recognize you know? (Sorry if that's offensive idk what I'm doing :/) But my therapist has been talking some weird $#%^ and Idk if he's hinting at DID (this list is shorter I promise)

-I was talking about a part of me I don't identify with and he was like 'what does that part look like physically?' and I thought for half a second and then I just realized that was a weird q so I stared at him and he laughed and was like 'oh am I not supposed to ask?' and moved on.
-When he asks me certain qs I have to like talk to myself to get real answers and I look away, and he was like 'who are you with when you do that? you're not with me'
-and then I was like what's really wrong with me bc I've had like 8 different diagnoses, including BPD, schizoid, and OCPD---which don't even make sense together--- and he said 'well you're cut off from a large part of yourself.' and something about integrating? But can people with DID integrate? Idk
-he keeps saying I'm very controlling and censoring but that's because my brain thinks/feels stupid things and sometimes doesn't even communicate with me I don't see why I should waste my time with that or be associated with it when it's not what I think/feel. Even though I know it's me because I'm one person?

And then I tell myself what if I'm just this controlling because I need to keep all the different parts of me together?

So um...what do you think? I'm not asking for a diagnosis right but like...am I in denial here with something really obvious? Or am I totally blowing things out of proportion and I have BPD or something? Thank you

Hey, you made it! Awesome.

y0zhik wrote:I mean it's not what I would imagine DID to feel like where I wake up in the middle of the street wearing clothes I don't recognize you know?

Well then you are lucky, or you just don't remember. (Which might be lucky. Or not. Sigh.) Unfortunately many of us do know. I know, only I woke up wearing no clothes. Does that count?

y0zhik wrote:But my therapist has been talking some weird $#%^ and Idk if he's hinting at DID

Why do they do that? Sheesh! Okay, yes, sounds like a DID diagnosis is where he is heading but some people who don't have DID do have an internal dialogue and other funny stuff going on. But keep in mind that in addition to your T you have two replies on the DDNOS Forum saying come on over to the DID Forum. And you didn't actually reveal much over there, did you? Now you've shared a bit more and it does sound like DID. And that can be okay. You'll see.

Can you ask him? Hey, T, I have been meaning to ask you... You have been talking some weird $#%^ lately. Can you tell me straight up what that's about? or even Is there something going on I should know about? Hah hah. That might crack his cool therapist facade wide open.

Or, can you shock him? You could fill out the online Dissociative Experiences Scale (we have a long thread here about that), and take the printout to a session and just hand it to him and say Hey look what I did here. What do you think? Will his eyes bug out? Will he blush? Will he sweat, stammer, twitch, squirm, hem and haw? Laugh? Smile? Cry with relief? Say Oh man you are putting my feet in the fire! or some such complaint? Or play the therapist card and turn your question around on you, Well now, y0zhik, what do you think?

Whatever the destination, the trip should be interesting!

Thanks so much for the thoughtful response.

Una+ wrote: I woke up wearing no clothes. Does that count?

Yeeeaah I say that counts lol.

I want to ask him...maybe I will, Idk. With the last year...doctors, family, friends, and my head are telling me all kinds of different things and they just can't all be true. Like it just doesn't make sense. I'll look at the scale though. Thank you!

Now you got me wondering. What all do they tell you?

Lol well...first they said psychotic depression. Then they said OCPD alexythimia and PTSD. Then they said bipolar. Then they said definitely not depression or bipolar just BPD and anxiety and thought I had done hallucinogens when I hadn't. Then a different doctor said just CPTSD and I wasn't really that messed up. Then other doctors said BPD and schizoid and OCPD and maybe depression, but also PTSD. And I asked them how I could be overly and underly emotional at once and they didn't answer, just said it was weird. They gave me ECT at one point just to try to 'reboot something'.

But for all that I feel pretty normal most of the time.

I see. They diagnose everything and anything except DID. I would be asking "So how do you rule out DID?" But then I am obnoxious that way. Heh.

Hi y0zhik,

Why is DID always the next to the last diagnosis they think of??? (The last one is like space aliens ate your brain or something )

You're welcome here y0zhik. We're kind of like different people at different places in our heads. That's totally ok.

We woke up in another state one time (with our clothes on) and thought Oh Cr*p we really messed up this time! - only Host had gone there on purpose but we didn't know that so we were trying to get home and Host's like Stop!! We're SUPPOSED to be here! Kind of a 'cross-purposes' thing.

It's going to be ok if you have DID.

Iain

IainEtc wrote:We woke up in another state one time (with our clothes on) and thought Oh Cr*p we really messed up this time! :shock: - only Host had gone there on purpose but we didn't know that so we were trying to get home and Host's like Stop!! We're SUPPOSED to be here!

Classic. Just classic.

Una+ wrote:I see. They diagnose everything and anything except DID. I would be asking "So how do you rule out DID?" But then I am obnoxious that way. Heh.

I like this alter.

I think some T's have trouble spitting it out the first time. Like in the 90's...he's g...Ay...you know g...ay......like, he likes men. Cultural revolution.

Just ask straight out. I think it is pretty clear!

Hi

In a recent consultation with a Professor of Psychiatry who was evaluating M***, he asked us not to use the words "Alters" or "switching".

I can't help but think "Flat Earth Syndrome". Sure, I understood what he was trying to do, but really... please, can you give me something useful.

I challenged him. I informed him that I was using a multidisciplinary psychiatric team to assist a very traumatized woman. I had done so at the recommendation of multiple mental health professionals, and he was prescribing "band aids" effectively. I expected much more from him.

Unfortunately, my 8 years of 24/7 experience and research did not sway his professional conditioning.

The Wheel of Life turns... Brett