Recently diagnosed ... looking for support

Hello everyone ...

HAha, I wanted to say 'my name is -' but then I paused trying to figure out which one I would use... Tragic. Anyways, you can call me Leona. I've renamed myself (the host) for the umpteenth time in hopes that this time I will be able to view my alters as whole, each as a fragment of me and not that I am damaged or no good. Leona means 'brave lioness' and Paxton means 'peace town' ... which is what I've named the safe place in my head. Maybe this time, things will turn up ... I'm hopeful. Maybe this name will draw the strength from the universe that I need to overcome this ... I don't know if that's a similar feeling for persons with DID when going through renaming stages ...

Anyways, I spent a couple weeks in a mental institution back in October. I had myself discharged prematurely because I found myself becoming physically sick on top of everything, due to poor nutrition there and just an overall negative energy ... especially from nurses who were supposed to care. I think the shock of everything put my body on an elated plane for a couple weeks, everything was great ... but slowly I have been deteriorating again. I returned to the hospital as an outpatient this time, seeking some form of therapy before I get worse and discovered that I had been fully diagnosed with DID and possibly comorbid Bipolar 2.

I've been doing extensive research since ... trying to understand why I some of the things I do ... and it has been informative so far. I feel a lot less crazy by understanding things such as triggers and co-consciousness. I had ruled out DID before I was diagnosed, feeling that I had to be like the media portrayal of DID ... not getting that I can still be somewhat present but it's not really me.

I remember for years asking persons around me if they ever felt out of body, like they were looking at themselves for the first time but I always received an odd look or a laugh. I used to write a lot as a child, I was very imaginative. I wasn't allowed much else so I guess I used it to escape ... that may be where the splitting started ... I'm not fully aware of all my alters, only the most prominent 3. Which is also funny because sometimes I compulsively do things in 3s. I'm figuring out things little by little as I go along ...

My goal here is to develop a support system, outside of my family and partner, to alleviate some of the weight I put on them with my special needs. I appreciate responses from all of you on your journeys so far and how you've gotten better ...

One big question I also have is what is your career life like? I find that I am demotivated very often, despite the fact that I am not yet even close to wealthy and I have persons around me that I love and want to care for, which should motivate me... I often feel like my body is one big heavy log and my interest wanes very quickly ... so far it's ruined my best opportunity to have an exciting business partnership that would, in time, allow me to travel and do other things I am interested in. What type of jobs do you recommend? I am a creative but I also find myself reading science journals or watching documentaries...I've also found I'm good with stuff like finance and accounting ... I feel like I want a job in the spotlight but at the same time I'd love a job where I stay as far away from it as possible... Probably my alters Blaise (the tomboy) and Ashley (the diva) conflicting... It's very frustrating to know that I have all these skills and I'm still stuck in limbo, not making any money, not in university, not doing anything much ... Any respectful suggestions or comments are welcome ...

Hi Leona,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for explaining your name - I like it. Lots of us think DID has to be like on TV. Then we find out it's not like that but we're still DID anyway.

Iain

welcome!
name sisters, i am a lioness too!
L

IainEtc wrote:Hi Leona,

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for explaining your name - I like it. Lots of us think DID has to be like on TV. Then we find out it's not like that but we're still DID anyway.

Iain

Haha, thank you! Yeah, it was definitely a wake up call ... It's especially funny because before I was diagnosed my partner introduced me to this show about a woman named Tara, I guess most persons with DID have run into it at some point or the other lol she was like 'this is so you' and I kinda just laughed it off, but here we are

birdsong87 wrote:welcome!
name sisters, i am a lioness too!
L

Thank you name sister! Hear us rawr xD

Hi Leona (et al!), welcome to the DID Forum.

You sound young, and perhaps depressed. I assure you opportunities will come your way. Right now, recently diagnosed, self care is top priority. One thing about women and careers is that we so often have more than one career, especially if we raise children, so endurance is very important. And to have good endurance we need to be in good shape ourselves. Consider this time you now devote to taking care of you as an investment, likely the best investment you will ever make.

There is a nice book of personal accounts of careers by women with DID: I am More than One by Jane Wegscheider Hyman, PhD. It is not widely available but probably you can get a copy to read through interlibrary loan.

Una+ wrote:Hi Leona (et al!), welcome to the DID Forum.

You sound young, and perhaps depressed. I assure you opportunities will come your way. Right now, recently diagnosed, self care is top priority. One thing about women and careers is that we so often have more than one career, especially if we raise children, so endurance is very important. And to have good endurance we need to be in good shape ourselves. Consider this time you now devote to taking care of you as an investment, likely the best investment you will ever make.

There is a nice book of personal accounts of careers by women with DID: I am More than One by Jane Wegscheider Hyman, PhD. It is not widely available but probably you can get a copy to read through interlibrary loan.

Thank you Una! Yes, I'm young ... barely legal to drink in the States lol I don't doubt that opportunities come my way, it's just that when they come I fumble a lot because of the constant internal battle ... Half wants to be mega involved and the other half doesn't care ... At least I wish it was split in half lol

I believe my little (Hanna) bears the most sadness, when she's around I find myself crying constantly and everything is extremely bleak ... I don't know how to help her... I was just barely able to quiet her enough to start functioning this morning and I'm hoping she doesn't return in panic when I have to see my partner (Cee) later today... I think she is especially attached to Cee, who is a firm believer in tough love... A part of me wonders how healthy this whole thing is but she is the first person to struggle with me like this, which must be worth something right?

I feel like if I could find a truly safe space for her then I could eliminate the majority of the depression I feel ... none of my other alters are as emotional as her... maybe she is just my EP? It's like no matter how much good she is shown by others, she fears the worst ... I used to hate her but since understanding DID more I've had to put my resentment aside to accept that she is me and to hate her is to hate me ... It's still very heavy though ... Up to last night I got into an argument with Cee, who is usually pretty patient and understanding ... She started saying things were too heavy and this whole thing was just thrown on her without warning and she needed to take care of herself ... Hanna took it pretty bad. She feels like a burden and I can tell suicidal thoughts are running around again ..


*possible trigger* The first time I tried ito commit suicide I was around 6/7, I tried to use a glittery skipping rope tied to my bunk bed but I was already too tall and it didn't work ... I remember it especially because of the scraping of the glitter coating against my neck ... I never told my mom until a couple years ago ... I have had a couple more attempts afterwards but my mom stopped keeping pills in the house when I was around 15/16 ... I tried to overdose on ibuprofen ... *end trigger*

Yeah it's been a rough couple years but I'm still here ... must be for a reason ... We'll see what that is

Do you have a therapist? Are they experienced treating DID?

Una+ wrote:Do you have a therapist? Are they experienced treating DID?

I saw a psychologist on Monday, he's willing to see me every two weeks or so ... Mental health care where I live is really expensive and limited, there is a lot of stigma attached ... I'm not sure how experienced he is in treating DID since I think he is just one of the few psychologists and it is a government run (public) hospital ...

I'm not trying to be a debbie downer but sometimes I think they just agree to treat me so they don't have to deal with the liability in case of anything ... If you know what I mean.

Otherwise, I'm pretty much on my own with this ... All my mom does is cry and wish she could take away my pain and my dad says 'oh, we'll work on fixing you'. Kinda between a rock and a hard place so I just pretend daily so I can get by ...

leonapaxton wrote:I'm not sure how experienced he is in treating DID since I think he is just one of the few psychologists and it is a government run (public) hospital ...

Well, ask him about his experience. As a patient you are entitled to have that information.

Also, you may be able to find a different kind of therapist who can help you, such as a social worker, marriage and family therapist, clinical counselor, etc. You might even find a pastoral counselor who knows their stuff. Also certain 12-step groups can be very helpful, especially Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA).

leonapaxton wrote:sometimes I think they just agree to treat me so they don't have to deal with the liability in case of anything ... If you know what I mean.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I think that may be your feelings of shame talking. It actually is easy for them to avoid liability: simply don't treat! Some of the clinical psychologists I contacted when I was looking for treatment were quite up front that they don't treat "severe mental illness", only the "worried well".

leonapaxton wrote:Otherwise, I'm pretty much on my own with this ... All my mom does is cry and wish she could take away my pain and my dad says 'oh, we'll work on fixing you'.

Well, here you are exceptionally fortunate compared to many others here on the DID Forum. Your parents are not in denial. Is anyone supporting them? It sounds like they could really benefit from talking with a mental health professional (social worker or marriage and family therapist) who does family therapy.

Everyone has troubles. That is part of life. Living well is not about being trouble-free, it is about facing troubles with grace and confidence. Which comes with experience. I know this may sound weird right now, but you are off to a great start!