Demonic possession... OCD?

Can't sleep. Been doing a lot, maybe too much, thinking. Maybe that's my problem. Does anyone here believe in demonic possession? I was nearly convinced at one point last year that I was under demonic assault, or some form of psychic assault, or that I myself had somehow become more psychically aware, and that that was where intrusive thought-voices and hallucinations were coming from (seeing strange lights and figures appear out of the darkness; hearing people I know, who were hundreds of miles away, talking about me; hearing music from my childhood that could not have possibly been playing; hearing a woman's scream right in my ear...). One of these "thought-voices" got particularly sinister. It got to where I couldn't even pray because of the terrible things it was saying about me and God and Jesus...

The Evil voices would also pretend to be God (since I was young), answering me while a pray. And sometimes I would believe it, and sometimes, when I trusted it, it would tell me terrible things, I would believe it and that I was a bad person. And another voice told me not to listen to it, and not to think of any voice in my head as God -- if they said they were, they were lying. So then I believed that voice (I might have identified in a previous post).

I don't think it's new. I think it's always been here with me, and sometimes makes me do bad things. Like sometimes I feel like in a trance and just do something horribly awful. At three, I tried to murder no one in particular, I don't know why. I failed, thankfully. But I don't know why I would have done that. I wonder if I'm just inherently bad. That's not the only bad thing of course, just the first I remember, and the only one I feel comfortable reproducing in words.

I've been thinking about my previous posts, and I don't know if maybe I subconsciously made it up for some reason. I don't think I did. I still feel like maybe they are there, but then again, I feel like it could be my overactive imagination or need for attention, or I'm just stupid, or OCD, or have something else, or I'm just a hypochondriac... Which I think about and doubt myself (was told I was by a parent at a very young age, so I never bring up any of my problems, I would say unless life-threatening, but that's a lie, I suppress it all) maybe I do think too much, obsessively, maybe it is OCD. Sorry for rambling.

I have experienced possession states, and when I was younger the only explanation I knew of was the demonic one. That was my conceptual framework but not necessarily my personal belief. Are you able to make this distinction yourself?

Where are you on your pathway to diagnosis? Who apart from this group have you consulted about these experiences? Do you want or need a referral?

Hi SelfStranger,

While I don't have OCD, I think the difference is as follows: someone with OCD centering around fear of possession might worry about they might do during these possession states, try to prevent such states from occurring, ask others if they have been seen in these states, etc., even if they had never experienced such states. While chronic worrying about time loss appears to be common pre-diagnosis, this is of course natural and would happen regardless of OCD (anyone would be confused if several people told them they were doing things, calling themself different names, etc.)

Meanwhile, the other occurrences you mention in your post (seeing lights, hearing people, hearing music, and having the experience of thoughts that sound localized to one ear) have all been talked about at one point or another on this forum. I even recall someone having a similar experience of an alter who claimed they were God, although I don't remember who posted about it. And I myself have distinctly heard someone say "Hey!" in our right ear, while I was alone in bed.

These all sound like common experiences among those with dissociative disorders. I'm not saying you definitely have one, but we can at least relate.

Wow, thank you so much for taking me seriously. I was expecting to be ridiculed, or ignored. I am really grateful for the wonderful people here.

Una+ -- I'm not sure that I can make this distinction. I go back and forth a lot, from believing last year that I was possessed and praying out loud and shouting at demons to drive them away in the name of the Lord, to thinking I could be bipolar, or OCD, or possibly have a dissociative disorder, or something like schizoaffective disorder, to ignoring that anything happened at all, and suppressing my thoughts and memories like nothing happened and I'm perfectly normal, or that I just made it all up for some reason, even though if I actually spend more than a second thinking about it, I realize something is/was clearly wrong.

I was previously diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, around the same time that this was all occurring. Another doctor said that that was not very likely and said I *could* be experiencing some seizure-like activity in my brain, so prescribed depakote, which I took for a few months, and then she wanted to increase the dosage, so I just stopped taking them, because I don't want to *need* to take drugs, and I seem perfectly fine.

I only told a doctor and nurse last year around the time things seemed to get really bad. Haven't seen them since. Terrible, crazy story with that... Told my parents a little, but they don't want to hear it, and I don't really want to tell any of my family or friends anyway. No referral, please, but thank you. Seriously, thank you.

ShiningLights -- Thank you for your response. While I have had drastic personality changes around people, these demonic-activity-like states seem to only occur when I'm alone (unless you count panic attacks, hallucinations, macropsia, some dissociation (and I guess a little of what might be "Alice in Wonderland syndrome") to be possible symptoms of such attacks/possession states). Needless to say, I haven't really talked to anyone about this possibility, save for the abovementioned nurse and doctor. I don't recall anyone telling me I was doing odd things that I don't remember, or going by different names, but they seem to sometimes notice the personality changes... I thought I had more but mind went blank.

Thank you for the rest of your comment too. It makes me feel not so alone and hopeless, which I really appreciate. Still don't know what is/was going on, and maybe I never will, but at least I don't feel so alone. Thanks again.

we no longer believe in demonic possession, but I have experienced being conscious but not in control of the body plenty of times (very disconcerting!). One time I watched my body march around the kitchen in a circle over and over - felt like I was Wallace from Wallace and Gromit wearing the wrong trousers.

Another one in here grew up thinking he was a demonic intruder in this body. He felt no end of guilt over what might have happened to the "original owner of the body". I can't prove to you he is a part of us and not in fact a demon, but I believe he is right where he belongs. This is his body as much as mine. He is an alter, I am an alter.

I don't believe and yet there are other parts/alters here with me who are self-proclaimed demons.
Nowadays most if not all of them have a good understanding of their humanity though. They understand we're DID, but the catholicism of our childhood scarred them and somehow viewing themselves as the worst of the worst became a way to cope for them.

btw I also have a murderous nursery school memory (same age as you!) of trying to lob a really big rock at my best friend to "see what would happen". Little kids that age don't understand consequences properly yet - the world is so new to them and at 3 they are only just barely starting to develop compassion. We beat ourselves up over it for two decades and the shame stung like it was only yesterday the whole time. I think we're done with that particular guilt trip
Hope you can forgive the little child in your memory one day too

You are not alone. Concurrent with this thread is this one: Advice Desired. And a Google web search with terms demon possession site:http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/ returns 12 threads right here in the DID Forum.

Teatime -- Thank you for your response and sharing with me. That does seem very scary! I often feel disconnected, or like a different person, but the only time I've been conscious but not in control is when there seems to be too much going on in my head and the demonic thing takes over and causes self-harm or does other bad things. It would also claim to be God, or say it's the Devil, or Satan, so I would refer to it as the Devil, or something similar. I think I've seen an image of it in my mind and my dreams a few times as well. It would say terrible things, tell lies, and sometimes try to convince me I'm the anti-Christ and that I'm evil. I don't think I am the anti-Christ. That seems very unlikely.

I tried learning more about what might be going on inside my head, and the demonic voice told me to "Stop knocking on doors." So I gave up, at least for now.

I'm sorry that religion had an adverse impact on you. I hope you still have a relationship with Jesus (but I'm not going to judge you, only hoping for the best). I'm glad your parts/alters have gotten better in understanding their humanity and their relationship with you.

And thank you for sharing your murderous childhood memory. I really thought I was alone in that. I kept trying to research anything like that online, but I kept getting results about older people killing children. Very sad and disturbing, and not at all what I was looking for. Thank you for making me not feel so alone. I tried electrocuting a family member to death. Ended up electrocuting myself lol. Still a lot of guilt and shame regarding that (after two decades, coincidentally). Reading this -- "Hope you can forgive the little child in your memory one day too" -- brought tears to my eyes, as I thought back on that little child that was and wasn't me. And I want to forgive, but there's another hateful voice (maybe the demon) in here that makes it hard to do so yet. I'll be working on it. Thanks again.

Una+ -- Thank you. I'll be sure to look for similar threads from now on instead of just making a new one. Hope everything is going well for you.

SelfStranger wrote:Una+ -- Thank you. I'll be sure to look for similar threads from now on instead of just making a new one. Hope everything is going well for you.

No, this thread is fine. I just wanted to be sure you (and other readers too!) are able to find those threads.

I used to have a "demon" in my head; now he is my closest friend and protector and I trust him completely. Have you hugged your demon today?

Una+ wrote:No, this thread is fine. I just wanted to be sure you (and other readers too!) are able to find those threads.

I used to have a "demon" in my head; now he is my closest friend and protector and I trust him completely. Have you hugged your demon today?

Oh, okay! Thanks then! That one thread was kind of scary... But don't ask Q's you don't want the A to, right? Scary thinking about confronting the issue... Scary thinking about people knowing/finding out about it...

No. He (it?) hates us (/me?). Ugh... I should try not to use plural first person pronouns... Can I just retrain my brain? Make it go away and go back to normal (if it's not already normal and just in my head (wow, weird thoughts and memories and memories of dreams make it hard to concentrate; sorry for rambling)). But it doesn't want me near it, and I think it's better to stay away to not make things worse. So I just try to block it out and tell me/it to shut up...

Hi selfstranger, when I was a teenager I had an alter that I thought was some form of demon trying to possess me. Of course I didn't know that he was an alter at the time. I was so scared it resulted in some sort of internal struggle that was so large it shut out everyone else. I somehow blocked out all the other alters. I even blamed this so called demon. I believed he buried the others. Somehow I couldn't entirely block him out. He became a second internal monologue that sounded just like mine but always negative and hateful towards me. Flash forward a little over two decades and we started opening up communication. We're now building trust, faster than I expected. I learned why he was behaving the way he was. I'm not sure why I'm saying this. Maybe it's so you don't feel so alone. Add another person to the list of having similar experiences.

I can say that finding a T that specializes in trauma and dissociation has been huge for my system. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Things do get better. Are you currently seeing a T? If so do they have experience with did/osdd?