Suddenly became aware of the others..

I thought I hadn't updated in a long time, but I guess that was just two months?

A big hello and thank you to y'all that we recognize and who have left us replies - I wish I had been on my game enough to respond earlier. I guess I don't need to explain absentmindedness and stuff to you! But seriously - I lurk here off and on, but I stay because it is one of the only places I find people who "get it". I wish you all well and am grateful for you.

So my wife and I did adopt a dog right at the new year and it did not work out and was hugely traumatic. It was no one's fault, it just wasn't a good match and we didn't know that ahead of time. The poor dog had severe separation anxiety and we just weren't equipped to deal with it. Watching an animal have panic attacks and being helpless. Spent a solid week trapped in the house and crying and medicating. We had to take her back to the rescue. At least she is doing well in a foster home now. My wife still wants to try again and I do too, but I am so afraid now. I don't know when I will be ready.

I have discussed with my therapist that I need help with the physical symptoms - constant tension that gives me headaches and pain, contorts my body, prevents me from relaxing or feeling emotions. I poked around a bit and found someone in my city who works with trauma and is trained in sensorimotor psychotherapy, which sounds like it could help. she also does emdr and art therapy. i talked it over with my therapist and then messaged the new one to inquire about a consult. i am scared.

maybe i felt drawn to art because we have been drawing a LOT lately. which is unusual. usually it's just writing. we had a workshop last week in writing class where everyone read and commented on our stuff. very raw and scary but it went really well and we got so much good feedback. but then BOOM total resistance to writing. so all week i have just drawn and drawn and drawn some more. On white boards at work, on post-its, everywhere. we're not even GOOD at it. it's just.. i dunno.

wife and i are going to visit my parents in july. very conflicted, but putting it out of my mind.

our new part is so good when she's around - certainly the happiest and most emotionally in tune of us. but she's gone back under the surface for a bit and the last week has been rough. something is up with denial and anger and i don't know what it is but it is making it hard to act normal. i keep wanting to break things and self-harm and scream at people. (clearly, rachel behavior)

silly rambling. i don't know why i'm here.

Hi vortexvoid,

We're glad to see you. We're sorry it didn't work out with the dog. At least she's in a good foster home.

We're glad that your T and the artwork are both helping you.

MDs

I'm in a bad denial place
We got another rescue dog and this one is great. Three legged chihuahua and I love him. It's been eight months with him now.

Something happened in July and I'm in a pretty severe anorexia relapse and I can't stop. I think it's too avoid and numb but I can't stop it.

Almost forgot about this site and this thread and this life
Someone inside feels scared
And I'm like noooooo stop it just stop thinking about it
Nightmares of floating away in the sky and screaming at ______
Childhood bedroom
Kill yourself
As long as I focus on shrinking I can be safe
Wtfff is wrong with me

& There is nothing wrong with you. You did your best to survive what happened to you. What is wrong is what happened to you.

& You are doing your best to cope, one day at a time. It's okay to feel scared. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to feel hurt.

& Take a deep breathe. Breathe in counting to four, hold for four, breathe out counting to eight. You are here and now.

& Look around. Name five things that you can see. Four things that you can hear. Three things that you can touch. Two things that you can smell. One thing that you can taste.

& Look around. You are safe here and now.

& And you have a nice rescue chihuahua too ! ^_^

___
Urielle.

ArbreMonde wrote:& There is nothing wrong with you. You did your best to survive what happened to you. What is wrong is what happened to you.

& You are doing your best to cope, one day at a time. It's okay to feel scared. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to feel hurt.

& Take a deep breathe. Breathe in counting to four, hold for four, breathe out counting to eight. You are here and now.

& Look around. Name five things that you can see. Four things that you can hear. Three things that you can touch. Two things that you can smell. One thing that you can taste.

& Look around. You are safe here and now.

& And you have a nice rescue chihuahua too ! ^_^

___
Urielle.

I really appreciate this. Thank you. I feel so out of sorts.
The problem is always How do I deal when the panic is internal and the one fronting is detached and functional? (Prob stop engaging in hardcore numbing behaviors lol lol)
Mostly I wanted to say thank you because I just needed to know someone is out there. I remember your username from when I was on here more. It feels good to remember something.

wowww it's been over three years. how do I even update?

we've found two new Others: a teenage babysitter named Raelly and a little tough warrior named Zandra. but we have been much more cohesive over the last few years, feeling very much like "one person" (hahahaaa)

bad anorexia relapse went on for about a year. got better, but has now started up again. trying to keep it moderate, if that's possible.

gender became more of an issue than ever this past year.. I had come out as agender in 2017 and had top surgery, but I finally decided to get on testosterone. it was an agonizing decision but I knew I had to try it or I'd always wonder. it's been just over three months and I feel it's right for me, but I also feel very lost and alone..

for the first time in years, I have absolutely no sense of "self". sometimes The Others come peeking through or show up in dreams, but lately I feel like I have no identity at all. no idea who I am.

also had a huge falling out with my dad and have completely given up on ever having a real conversation with him again. it's upsetting but also a relief.

in good news, we bought our own place and I am so happy there, feeling so much more safe and secure. and I finally left my laboratory that was burning me out like crazy.. got a job at the hospital two blocks from my house and it is such a healthy and wonderful environment. I have a pretty flexible schedule and I just can't get over how much happier I am.

that's all I can add right now, but it felt important to update here, if only for my own sake.

Its so wonderful to hear you are doing (relatively) well. I wonder if your anorexia is linked to one of the personalities that remembers this place? It does seam to be a theme.

The new habitat you have built for yourself sounds amazing.

As for identity it can be hard trying to find a skin you are all comfortable in. We still oscillate and avoid mirrors for the most part. If you ever need to talk feel free to bother us you can find us here or on tumblr.

You are not alone.

Welcome back x

Eliseahorse wrote:Its so wonderful to hear you are doing (relatively) well. I wonder if your anorexia is linked to one of the personalities that remembers this place? It does seam to be a theme.

The new habitat you have built for yourself sounds amazing.

As for identity it can be hard trying to find a skin you are all comfortable in. We still oscillate and avoid mirrors for the most part. If you ever need to talk feel free to bother us you can find us here or on tumblr.

You are not alone.

Welcome back x

dang, I really have to thank you for this. initially just for welcoming me back. after being gone so long, that feels very good.

but your suggestion about anorexia being linked to one of my parts got me thinking.. and holy $#%^ you're right! we've been shaving our head again and restricting food and when I realized that, I recognized it as the signature of Void. and Void comes front to try and "start fresh" ... usually before a major host switch. in light of the gender transition stuff, that makes absolute sense.

so HUGE thanks to your comment, that set off a crazy chain of realizations and I've got a lot more to process. I'll try to be more present here and I hope to know you better

Welcome back! Lots seems to have changed and gotten better though you sound like you're under tons of stress still.

Medical transition here too! It helped me integrate and heal a lot of gender-related trauma. I still have a couple surgeries planned this year.

I hope that you will manage to comfort and heal the part of you who contains the anorexia related issues. Good luck with this. Stabilizing food behavior is never easy but you are strong you can do this! Healing the original wound(s) causing it really helps.

As for the sense of self, what helped me was to do a lot of grounding exercises and bring all my parts into the here and now. We now are all connected to the same sense of "me" which is weird and comforting at the same time. I'm "me" but I'm many "me" at the same time but it's the same "me" altogether but in many different shapes and it's very fun and very weird at the same time. A good kind of weird.

Hope you'll find some helpful grounding exercises somewhere.

Once again, welcome back!

Hi...

Transitioning is so helpful to how anyone feels and so glad that you're finding that being on testosterone is helping you feel better. Going on estrogen has helped us (and we've been on it for a long time).

We are so sorry that you are struggling with a lot lately, but we hope that things get better soon.

Take care,
Violette