Suddenly became aware of the others..

interesting developments:

last night the gf and i attended a benefit for a friend of ours with cancer. we knew it would be full of people we knew from various points in the past, all people who knew me with different hosts. i was stressed about that because it's disorienting to have people calling me different names, relating to different parts that aren't "me" as i am now. but it actually went well (partially thanks to a xanax). i saw numerous people who knew Rachel and even Keda, and it was ok.

achieved a major goal in regards to intimacy, and i'm SO HAPPY about it. it's taken almost a year!!! my gf's patience and kindness has made that possible, and i feel like it opens up a whole world that seemed eternally closed.

i have been concerned about work because i realized that my "on call" status can't financially sustain me in the longterm. my student loans will have to be paid soon and i just can't afford rent+bills+insurance+loans on what i make now. but i didn't know what to do. however, my terrible boss wants to leave. i have heard through some channels that she's already applying elsewhere. i had previously applied for the supervisor position two years ago but she got it because she was more qualified. now, however, i think i would be a strong candidate. i talked it over with my gf and decided i will go for it when it comes up again. it's a scary move, because it means going back to graveyard shifts. it also means a ton of responsibility. but i know i am capable of it, and it's always been one of my goals to supervise the lab. i have essentially done the job already when i worked as the lead, because my boss was so bad at it. if i get this position, it will be an immense raise and a shift to salary, plus getting benefits back.

i want to do this so that gf and i can get a place together. i also decided i should wait on the dog until then. part of my drive to get a dog is wanting a challenge i can research and tackle and have something good to show for it - that's something i used to channel into work. if i can do so in the supervisor position, that would be very fruitful, not only financially but for my future career options.

still feeling fuzzy and out of touch with The Others but i know they're there. i just need to figure out how to get into clearer contact now that this medication is in the mix.

It's been almost a year so I thought I'd update briefly.

Externally, life is going fine. My gf moved in and last month I proposed. She said yes. I'm very happy, except my family has been weird about it. They are ultra right-wing religious folks and they have basically ignored it. At least my fiancee's family has been very welcoming and supportive.

I'm still learning to navigate internal communication now that things aren't as clear as they were last year. I journal when I can and try to pay attention to signals from dreams and seemingly incongruous feelings or thoughts that come up during the day. Sometimes I can identify one of the Others, sometimes it's too blurry.

Some memories have floated up that are disturbing and I've spent a lot of time in therapy trying to process them somehow. As usual, I doubt their veracity and then get down on myself for being fake. I know eventually I need to bring some things up with my family, but they live far away and I tend to chicken out when I see them. We have a decent relationship now and I'm afraid of destroying it. Plus my mom has her own dissociative tendencies so she can be unreliable and inconsistent. I dunno. Just trying to let it be for now and see if anything else comes up from inside.

Feeling a lot of existential dread about the world and life in general.

I have been working on creating a safe inner space for the Others and that has been promising. If I'm going to get any more information from them, I need them to feel safe. It's slow going.

That's all for now. I lurk here often, but rarely feel compelled to say anything. Just getting swept along my everyday life and trying to act like I'm not batshit crazy. Aka the usual.

Wow.
I'm fairly new here, so I didn't see your original post until it was bumped up today by your update. I read the first, and a few on the other pages (I'm at work so ...yeah...)... and then your last two posts.

That was a crazy ride you were on when you had that first breakthrough you posted about.
Congrats on the impending wedding. And yes, it's amazing when we can find someone loving and nurturing and patient, it really really helps.

My others came out after I met my now husband, showed themselves to him before they showed themselves to me. It was crazy.

How did the seeking the promotion go? (the one you posted about right before this last update)?

Kitten

Glad to hear from you, vortexvoid. And congratulations on your engagement.

MDs

Sometimes I don't even feel like I have DID anymore. Mostly I live my life and it's just.. life. But then weird things happen and I remember. In some ways it makes me wish for stuff to go horribly wrong just to remind me that I didn't imagine all of it. At least it felt real.

But really, things should be fine. My relationship is good. My job is good.

But I feel.. Empty somehow. I have no purpose. The Critic is a strong presence always pointing out my faults and failures.

I've basically given up on pursuing anything from childhood because my family is never gonna change. I guess I feel a great disappointment because I had thought last year that I got through to my mom and that we would learn more. But she's checked out again. I am tired of trying.

Last night as I was trying to sleep I jerked awake with a terrible feeling that I had just realized something bad, like I found out an awful secret. But I don't know what it was. Woke up feeling terrible and I've been a grumpy asshole all day at work. Paranoid and guilty and self loathing. I don't know why.

I'm sure it will get better, I just needed to record some of this.

I am still grateful for this place and these anonymous internet peers. Thank you.

Good to see you again, vortexvoid. If you want to talk more, we'll listen.

MDs

I didn’t have time to read the other responses, but I wanted to assure you that you are not alone. This happens to us nearly every time someone tries to “go somewhere” they aren’t supposed to. I know there are labels for different people in systems (example:helper, little, perscuter..) but if you can try to look at it as everyone trying to protect everyone then it starts making a little more sense. What it seems like in my system is one “alter” will protect another “alter”. The mother like figure protects a little. A little protects another little. A perscuter protects a gatekeeper. And so on. Trying to figure out the intertwined puzzle can be more then difficult/troubling. When this happens to me or if someone asks questions that deal with trauma, my head feels clogged, spacey, dissociated, depersonalized. I not only can’t get anywhere but am now stuck in a land that is detached. I can’t think and I become extremely tired and overwhelmed. My body is there but I feel like everyone, including the person in front has “gone inside”. I can’t hear anything and can’t feel anything other than some negative feelings of frustration and sadness. I’m not near as helpful as other people on this forum but try to give as much grace as you can to yourself. It’s ok to rest and it’s ok if you’re confused. It could be something your system doesn’t want or need you to know. They are doing what they think is best for you to be able to function. I hope this gives you some kind of comfort.

I can't believe it's been over a year since I updated here. I do lurk still. And I write in my physical journal almost every day. I guess it's just hard to keep track of multiple journals and places.

I'm taking a memoir writing class and it is amazing, but brings up a LOT of stuff. Working my way through journals and trying to write our story in a cohesive way is really difficult. but i do think it is helpful because The Others always complained that i "don't listen" and writing about everything sort of requires that I listen more.

therapy is ongoing and good - we have worked on strategies to help the Kid get out from under Critic's control. The problem is that everyone else is afraid of Critic, so they won't step up to help the Kid. Which leads to the most recent development:

i think we have a new part. which took a while for me to really accept, because we've been solidly at eleven for the past few years since discovering them. but i'm pretty sure there's a twelve now.

i'm still too scared to write her name (because it makes it too real?) but she has this strong sense of "80's teen babysitter". which felt silly and confusing, until i realized that we really needed someone who could help take care of the Kid and maybe that would give Critic a break from her brutal control. so go figure, a babysitter shows up. She seems kind of like a melding of Rachel and Rachel Joy - she has the emotions of Rachel, but less volatility. She has the calm demeanor of Rachel Joy, but less detached. It seems like a good thing, but I have never experienced a "new" part like this before so i dunno. i'm only aware of her fronting a few times, and it resulted in a good amount of confusion. i'm not sure how aware she is of being an alter. or how much communication there is with her internally. Rachel is jealous and threatened and has been kind of acting out.

the other thing is OH MY GOD the denial train has been barreling through here again. i think it's because of working on the memoir. because it's one thing for me to think i have DID, or to talk to a friend about it or my therapist. but to actually write a book about the experience is to say THIS IS REAL to the whole world. Critic is fighting it as hard as she can, in the form of intense denial, self-dismissal, constant yelling. which makes Jukebox even louder and more insistent, trying to help drown her out. aghghg.

it has been helpful to go back through journals and see the "evidence", and to go back through clinical texts and read all the different ways we do indeed fit the bill for DID. i'm just so frustrated and exhausted by the back-and-forth of all of it.

my therapist has said that she thinks denial should actually be one of the official symptoms of the disorder. because it seems so inherently tied to it. i sort of agree. when i was diagnosed Borderline in my late teens, i never ONCE questioned it. when i was diagnosed with PTSD in my mid twenties i didn't question it. but i can't STOP questioning this, even when faced with literally every element of the DSM's criteria.

happy life notes: M and i got married just before Halloween and it was lovely and we are looking at adopting a dog.

vortexvoid wrote:happy life notes: M and i got married just before Halloween and it was lovely and we are looking at adopting a dog.

Congratulations!

That's exciting about writing a memoir - but I can see how it would be pretty scary too. The new babysitter part sounds like she could be a good member of the team if she can look after the Kid & stand up to Critic. I hope things work out well there!

V1

vortexvoid wrote:happy life notes: M and i got married just before Halloween and it was lovely and we are looking at adopting a dog.

Congrats to you and your new spouse!

We're dog people, so we'd love to hear more if and when you adopt.

MDs