Suddenly became aware of the others..

Hey Piccolo! I just now saw your reply on here.. my apologies for the delay in response.

IainEtc gives excellent advice. I agree - just be a safe and trustworthy person for the others to come to. They're parts of you that are possibly frightened, angry, hurt.. be patient and gentle.

I find writing in a journal to be one of the best ways to figure stuff out. sometimes it's "just me" writing my thoughts and sorting stuff out, but i'm often surprised by someone else showing up and writing in there.

Also, i have dreams about them sometimes. For that reason, i also like to keep a journal of my dreams.

The beginning is scary, and the whole journey is pretty wild, but this is a good place to get words of encouragement and advice, or just to vent with people who understand and believe you. no matter how weird you think your experiences are, believe me, we get it!

school is keeping me very busy, which is generally good.

just when i think The Others are in hiding or something, they pop up and surprise me. in therapy, we often have a bunch of conflicting opinions and it's like a loud conversation in my head.. i'm still too shy to really let them out, but i will relay their thoughts to my therapist. it feels like i won't be able to do that for too long, though. it feels sometimes like they're almost bursting to come out. probably because they sense that T is trustworthy and safe. we had an intense session on Wednesday and there were several trying to have their opinions heard at the same time.. meaning i am saying totally contradictory things one after the other.

we talked about something that has kind of bugged me.. it seems like many multiples (here and in general) have Littles and they come out relatively often. i see them post in the Littles thread, when i went to the multiples group in my city, i saw people switch to Littles obviously and frequently.

the only "Little" i am aware of within me is.. i don't know. a young me. she appeared at first just by screaming "I'm scared!" over and over. it would happen at random times and honestly freaked me out. A while later she would scream "I miss my mom!" which also scared me. i guess i'm scared of her in general. i did buy a big stuffed lamb because she wanted it. when we hug it, i feel like she's coming more to the front. but she never talks or has control of the body. i usually just.. push her away inside. which makes me feel bad but i'm afraid.

i had told my therapist a particularly awful thing about my childhood and she was so caring and sympathetic, said "oh! i just want to tell that little girl that it's ok, she's not bad! it's ok!" and she was almost talking TO the girl. immediately a voice inside me said DON'T ######6 TALK TO HER (the little girl) very angrily. i told T this, and she asked why no one is supposed to talk to her.. i speculated that we just need to keep her separate.. we don't want to know what she knows.

when i was young, my mom wrote in a journal that she hated the sound of my voice. i was probably four years old then. i read the journal when i was in high school (as payback because my mom read my journal). i was crushed. but i remembered that during therapy and it seems related. The Critic is usually the angry yelling one in my head, and she has a lot of similarities to my mom's anger when i was young. it makes sense that she wouldn't want the Little One to talk.

the whole thing makes me sad and uncomfortable and i don't really know what to do about it.

just thought i should document some of these thoughts.

soooo yeah. i can't even imagine what it's like to have a Little that can talk or post or interact with others. ours is in a near-total quarantine. i wish it wasn't like that. i want to know what she knows and i want her to be safe, but i'm also petrified by the idea of remembering that stuff.

vortexvoid wrote:i can't even imagine what it's like to have a Little that can talk or post or interact with others. ours is in a near-total quarantine. i wish it wasn't like that. i want to know what she knows and i want her to be safe, but i'm also petrified by the idea of remembering that stuff.

Hi to vortexvoid. And do you have any toys at your house? We have a toy box. Of course we keep it put away in a closet if we are not using it.

Maybe if your littles play with toys they might talk to you.

Joseph who's 8 and a half

Hi vortexvoid,

Ok so talking to Littles is really hard. They hold a LOT of the bad feelings and the whole system can get flooded if they get triggered. That makes them super hard to be around. Hosts really have a hard time because Littles can destablize a host really bad and blow the whole day! We have done a TON of work with Evan so that he isn't too triggered being on the forum and some other places. Mostly Evan trusts us so mostly he runs TO us when he's triggered not AWAY from us. That means it's easier to have him around. Being close is better for him because he feels protected so he doesn't trigger as bad. But it didn't happen fast. Go slow and get her to trust you. The lamb is a good idea. How about some crayons?

Hope it helps.

Iain

Thank you so much Joseph of MD and Iain!

Yes, we do have a bunch of toys. I have consistently indulged my seemingly-strange desire to buy random toys as i've grown up. I guess the idea (though subconscious) was that i could buy her stuff to play with, but no talking allowed.

maybe if we spend time doing stuff she wants to, i can loosen up about it. it just scares me.

when i had surgery several months ago my bf brought me crayons and a dinosaur coloring book, sort of as a joke. i think that might be a good idea for this. rawr.

Hope you're doing well.

thanks SS2. we're... ok.

school is unbelievably brutal this quarter, and every day i feel like i can't possibly get through it. i keep doing it anyway, but it feels like i'm running away from a cliff edge that is crumbling behind me.

have barely been lurking around here because i haven't felt like i relate to most of what's posted anymore. it just got frustrating and i didn't like feeling angry and resentful, so i only check in periodically.

relationship stuff is difficult. trying to bridge the gap between someone who wants love and contact (her) and someone who is terrified of those things (me) is an enormous challenge. but we love each other so we keep trying.

i have really wanted to drink and do drugs lately. SO badly. haven't given in, but it is a constant struggle. in that sense, i'm grateful for how difficult school is, because it means i can't afford to indulge those self-destructive urges. i just don't have time!

sometimes there is a burst of positivity and i feel encouraged about life - went to the March For Science this weekend and that was really inspiring. but most of the time, i question what the point of anything really is and why i am bothering with any of life.

sorry to be a downer. but not sorry. that's just where we're at.

i hope you all are well. i value my connections here, as tenuous and virtual as they may be. <3

Hi vortexvoid,

We're glad that you're not drinking and drugging. And we're sending you thoughts of support, strength, and peace.

Charity and others

finally got some disability stuff set up with the school - i was hesitant to do so, but i really needed the help in getting classes at appropriate times - the split in times has ###$ me up so bad this quarter. the guy in the disability office was amazing - i gave him the dr's letter and started hesitantly explaining that i had "trouble with time" and "staying present".. as i was slowly elaborating, he just looked at me and said "so.. do you have DID?". ha! what a relief. he was super helpful, made us all very comfortable.

school is torturous. i'm deeply considering a drastic change in direction. i will finish this quarter as planned, but i need to make some choices this summer. i can not live without art in my life. i need to write. i need to create. i love science but i am drowning in a pool of math and chemistry right now. i need languages.

i think i overestimated my capacity to manage stress and time management. although i started back to school before i knew i had this disorder. sooooo yeah. been a rough ride. and i don't want to fight anymore. i need to time to get to know everyone inside, to work together and engender cooperation. i need time to ######6 LIVE.

our gf is truly amazing and wonderful.

one of the cats has started enjoying going outside on walks - this makes me happier than i can express.

therapy is excellent, but i really need to have free time to explore the Others more. they continue to reveal themselves, but without time and relaxation it is difficult. school keeps us so busy and stressed that we just feel worn out and sometimes rather desperate and full of dark thoughts. i fight them.

disillusioned with many people, but pleased with the select few i have who are real and true and honest and speak from the core. i have nothing to offer polite chitchatters.

except insomnia. i have plenty of that.

me too ME TOO me tooooo etc etc

vortexvoid wrote:we talked about something that has kind of bugged me.. it seems like many multiples (here and in general) have Littles and they come out relatively often.

Some of us have them, some of us don't. This is common but not universal. And it can take time, sometimes years, for them to come out, if they ever do.

Cognitively and emotionally my Alter 5 was age 4 or 5, even though she did not see herself as a little. As far as we know her self image did not even originate with her, and she did not originate in my childhood. She was a direct introject from another person I met in 2010. That was my big midlife crisis, so to speak.

vortexvoid wrote:the only "Little" i am aware of within me is.. i don't know. a young me. she appeared at first just by screaming "I'm scared!" over and over. it would happen at random times and honestly freaked me out. A while later she would scream "I miss my mom!" which also scared me. i guess i'm scared of her in general.

Well, this is a really scary thing to have going on. In your head there is someone screaming, who is scared. Being scared like that is contagious. And it is going on in your head. WTF, right? What are you supposed to do with this? How about offering her a hug?

Right now I am feeling so warm and compassionate toward that scared little girl and you too. I remember my Alter 5 when she first surfaced, how she cried and cried. How scared she was, and how scared I was about her and all the other weirdness going on with me then. Well, it got better.

It will get better for you too, for all of you.