Suddenly became aware of the others..

I hope everything went better than you expected. I've had similar experiences where I didn't study and felt so unprepared, then someone who knew their stuff took over during the test. I've also had the opposite happen. This was all before I was diagnosed, but right around the time I'd started talking about my abuse to my first T. In one case that really upset me, I was taking a quiz where basically all I had to do was a bunch of trig to figure out the answer. I LOVE math and trig and was always top of my class...and I just stared at the problem, unable to figure out how to find the lengths of triangle sides, and couldn't even remember what sin, cos, and tan were. I tried to sketch a few diagrams, but even those didn't make sense. In the middle of it all, I started to get the most excruciating migraine (and I didn't get migraines before that). In retrospect, all I can figure is that that was someone popping out uninvited.

Anyway, I want to say I totally believe you can tackle this degree and all of the other stuff that's complicating life right now. It WILL get better. If I can get an advanced degree in engineering after spending 25+ years being artsy and hating science, your parts will learn to cooperate, too. Hang in there!

MiceInTheAttic20 wrote:Anyway, I want to say I totally believe you can tackle this degree and all of the other stuff that's complicating life right now. It WILL get better. If I can get an advanced degree in engineering after spending 25+ years being artsy and hating science, your parts will learn to cooperate, too. Hang in there!

i can't tell you how much i appreciate this and how encouraging it was to read. thank you. it's easy for other people to say "you can do it" when they don't grasp the situation (mentally) that we're dealing with, but it really counts to hear someone else like us did it. i really appreciate that.

Hi vortexvoid,

I know it's hard and scary but you can do this. Host got like three degrees and was in school practically forever but we made it. There was A LOT of stress and sometimes it felt like we would explode. But we found ways to work together because we had to.

I know the thing with the pen really messed you up. We always used the same pen, backpack, and other stuff because we needed something to orient us and keep us set up right for school. Sometimes we'd lose our school set up and it was hard!

Good luck on your finals.

Iain

been alternating between brief periods of intense clarity and insight, and long periods of numbing and chaos. I'll have one morning where i can hear everyone clearly and they show me things - links in my past, memories, journal entries, connections. i start figuring things out and making notes. then the next day i can't think or remember, i binge, watch tv until my eyes blur, take pills until i fall asleep. it feels like one step forward, a bunch of steps back.
had a clear morning the other day, and was strongly told that my writing project is MANDATORY for us to get better and make progress. the project is essentially an autobiographical one, requiring that we go through all our journals, transcribe them, write about all the different points in our life. we've had this project for years and years but always hit a wall when trying to work on it. now this makes sense. we were compelled to do it because we were trying to show ourselves the truth, but that's also why why were scared of it.
in the midst of this intense clarity, i bought a plane ticket to go home in July to CA where my parents live. i haven't told anyone yet, not my parents or gf or anyone. i know i need to go home to figure a bunch of this stuff out, but it is terrifying also.
i have one week of spring break left and i really need to get started on some of this or i'm afraid i'll lose focus and momentum. i need to stop numbing. so much easier said than done.

I think it's great that you're taking a trip back home! Very brave and smart move in my opinion! Try taking your autobiography one step at a time. There's really no need to rush it. School is important and you don't want to put too much stress on your system all at once. Have fun and relax! Without numbing yourself! You deserve to have a good time, and it would be good for you.

first day back at school.. 8am calculus. i'm terrified of the people, but comforted by the routine of schoolwork.

much of spring break was spent numbing myself and tuning everything out. it got bad near the end, with a lot of binging (food and Netflix both).. now i am trying to reset myself and stop that. i can't do those things. i know i need to listen to the Others in order to facilitate communication and cooperation.. otherwise we're gonna have a ######6 hard time getting through this quarter. but i get scared and it is so easy to just shove it aside and lose myself in movies and stuff. i guess that's better than getting drunk - it's been 1 year 3 months and 21 days since we drank. i am SO TEMPTED lately.

feeling dissatisfied about people lately - let down by numerous friends. generally feeling like there is no point investing in relationships only to be disappointed. my gf is an exception - she is great. i am trying to work on things between us, namely physical contact and intimacy. i am terrified of it.

but generally... people seem pointless. this is not a good idea to let fester in my head, since it usually leads me to dark and scary places. i'm just not sure what the solution is.

and this is why school is like an addiction for me - because it gives me something to focus on, obsess over, and freak out about while i try to ignore everything else.

OH YEAH - update.. we compromised on the hair. shaved most of our head but left the very top long, sort of mohawk style. so far so good. maybe there will be more compromise in the future.

first week of school complete! it was actually pretty great! the schedule is tough, but allows a lot of time during the day to complete assignments and study. it will be rough to work nights on the weekends, but i've been used to that horrible flip-flopping for years, so it's ok.

it's incredible what a difference it makes to have good teachers and feel like i'm actually doing well with school. i'm really feeling like i'm gonna do great this quarter, and i'm enjoying learning new things. that feeling of competence/confidence means that i am able to stay a lot more present and it's easier to engage with people and things around me. i even have some friends in my chem class, which is really nice and helps with anxiety.

though i haven't spent a lot of time focusing on the Others, i do feel like there's positive progress going on. By feeling competent in areas like school and home, we feel better about ourselves and seem to work together better. definitely i'm experiencing better memory for day-to-day stuff, which is great.

one striking thing i've noticed lately is a phenomenon that i can only liken to time-travel - recently when i lie down to go to bed or even just take a nap/rest, once i close my eyes i start to have flashes of memory that are extremely vivid and feel real. they come from all different times of my life, and many are pleasant. they seem to occur randomly, no chronological order or even thematic similarities. just spontaneous "flashbacks" that feel like i'm being transported to points in my past. it's actually enjoyable. i have been speculating that, perhaps since the Others are feeling more acknowledged and appreciated, they are sharing memories? it's neat because i can almost feel myself physically moving as i hop from time to time.

i dunno. looking forward to more of that.
all in all, doing pretty well. it's amazing how different one can feel from week to week. just hoping this lasts a while.

vortexvoid wrote:i have been speculating that, perhaps since the Others are feeling more acknowledged and appreciated, they are sharing memories?

Yeah. That's the way it works. You might consider doing something fun for the Others sometimes. Sometimes Host watches a kid movie because that makes the kids happy then everything works better.

Glad you are ok and school is good.

Iain

So my whole life is starting to make since there's past couple of days. I have awkward struggles with keeping my behavior and emotions in check. Day to day I was lost. Barely finding moments of peace and sanity. 1) my mother is narcissistic and 2) I believed I was abused as a child. With both of these thing weighing against me, I believed I had a mood problem. But I've noticed how at these times where I'm feeling extreme anger or extreme sadness, I am no longer myself. Someone else takes over. One of whome is a little girl. That's all I'm sure about right now. Idk what her name is yet. All of this is very new to me but I can't stop researching this subject. I would like some advice on how to recognize my alters, what to name them, how to maintain control. I've been exhausted these past couple of days and have no idea how to stop the revolving door.

Hi Piccolo, (neat name),

You sound like you're really struggling. That can get scary. But you don't have to do it alone. There's the forum and talking to counselors can really help you feel better.

You don't have to be like super controlling with your alters. That doesn't help and usually just scares Littles and pisses off Teens. Talk to them. ASK their names. Be someone they can trust. They can help you.

Good luck,

Iain