Suddenly became aware of the others..

SelfStranger - got your PM indeed and just replied. Thank you!

gah.. feeling so alone. wishing i had therapy more often. needing more time to process this. i'm working five graveyard shifts a week to pay this ######6 bill and going to school on top of that and i'm just exhausted.

i just wish i had someone to talk to who GETS it. like, in person. i stopped talking about it to my gf because some of her responses set off my inner critics and those who keep us from trusting. i'm just too sensitive to deal with that right now. i am sure it wasn't her intent - she always has tried to be understanding and good to us, but it made me feel awful and i have to protect myself.

but i also can't talk to my mom. just feeling super isolated within myself.

i checked out the book my therapist recommended - it hasn't come to the library yet but i scoped out some of it via Amazon.. looks super helpful, and was reassuring because i experience SO much of what it discusses. that helps quiet the FAKE LIAR! voice.

in the last few days one voice keeps coming up that sounds very young and just says "I'm scared!!!"... it scares the hell out of me and makes me want to just blank out and not feel or think or be here. just thinking about it makes me nauseous.

having dinner with one of my very best friends on monday. haven't seen her in a long time so i'm looking forward to that for numerous reasons - i trust her and want to know what she thinks of all this.

have still been going through journals, marking episodes of dissociation, etc. found some from right around the time of one of my hospitalizations and it's pretty alarming. a lot of blackouts, voices, time missing. i question why no one at the hospital noticed, but then remember that i didn't actually tell anyone most of what was going on inside me.

this is all scary and sad and i just want to go home, except i AM at home and it still doesn't feel like i am safe. my hands hurt, which is a general indication that i'm sad. can't cry, just have weird pain in all my fingers.

fsdalksfadkljfadsjf

vortexvoid, I wanted to reply, even though I don't really know what to say... My brain seems to be in "can't-get-words-out" mode again

I also feel my other parts when I write, and when I re-read what I wrote previously.

And the feelings of isolation...

****I did not read all of the responses yet, but feel that you need to hear my 2 cents***

I am a teacher of 21 years. My diagnosis is recent; two years. My T helped me to talked to the others that they are not allowed out at work since the employnnent allows them all what they want and need to to survive. We could not have the treatment we do without our insurance. The others will understand. The littles like to watch at times. I won't say it's always easy. I have gotten very tired after from work and had trouble keeping it together as a wife and mother. It can be done. I do like talking to them during the day. They just know that "I" must be in charge during that time. Xoxo

Ananumbus - thank you. i know the feeling of words not coming out!

Struitt - thank you - i like the idea of negotiating to have the "right person" out in the right situation. but i don't have a clear sense of who's who yet so i'm still just trying to sort that out! hopefully things will come together, i appreciate your input.

_______________
feeling very frustrated lately. mostly due to exhaustion - so tired always and falling behind in school, which is unacceptable. having some intense waves of depression.

this past week has felt so long. and such a rollercoaster. from belief to doubt and back, from feeling stable and happy to destructive and full of defeat.

all i want is to understand what's going on inside me, and i feel like work and school are wearing me so thin that i can't even take the time or have the energy to figure things out.

working on a theory that we've switched longterm hosts several times, corresponding to several of the names we've been known by. there are others either under secret names or possibly using the birth name. still formulating that idea in our head, so we'll get back to it when we know more.

therapy tomorrow. THANKFUL.

i paid the giant bill. one more week of working every day, then i'm gonna go back to weekends mostly and hope that student loans help me get by.

how do people with DID function in full-time jobs and school?? i'm having a really hard time. my grades are vital because i want to go to med school, but at this rate it feels like even my bachelor's is impossible. i am discouraged and exhausted.

haven't talked to my mom in weeks. the same little kid voice that says "i'm scared!" said "i miss my mom!" the other day and it made me terrifically sad. i'm afraid to call her because i'm afraid to tell her anything that's happening to me. i got off the phone from our last conversation because i was upset that she was telling me to "stop looking" in my past and that i needed to just "let go" of stuff. she seems to think i shouldn't try to figure out what's causing my problems. she thinks i can just go do some EMDR and be suddenly better. she doesn't know about the DID diagnosis, and i'm afraid if i tell her, she'll think i'm possessed by demons.

part of what holds me back from calling is that i know she is at least partly responsible. she has admitted to some neglect and abuse from my very early childhood. most of it i don't remember (or remember as her doing it to someone else, but not me). she gets very upset talking about it, though, so i never really bring it up. she feels so guilty that it makes me uncomfortable. the thing is, i feel like i NEED to know all of it. i have the strong suspicion that there is more than what she's told me, and that she doesn't want me looking into the past because she doesn't want me to know. either because she fears i will reject her or because she simply can't face it herself. or both.

so i'm afraid to talk to her even though i feel alone and sad and like she doesn't care. i've thought about calling my dad to talk to him about it, but she's always dominated him so i'm afraid that he will deny everything or will tell her everything i say.

i love them and don't want to feel like this. i'm also scared of what i might find out. i don't want to remember things that might shatter what i thought my childhood was like.

i've been continuing to experience very intense mood shifts and some things that feel like switching. the other night i was thinking about shoes for some reason when i had a distinct image/thought/memory of slipping my foot into an expensive pair of high heels. i felt a sideways shift, like i "slid" to the right and suddenly was Keda (that was my slave name). i felt overwhelmed with fear about being in her memories and experiences and slid right back out. a lot of times when this happens, i feel a wall up and i can't hold on to what thoughts or feelings i had.

the wall is a general problem - even from day to day, it's hard to remember things, and if i do it is purely factual, no actual feeling like i was THERE. even my memories from work or school during the week feel like they happened to someone else. i don't know what's going on.

my gf and i had a good talk on the phone about stuff. she and i dated previously (eleven years ago) and she said she's slowly realizing that she dated a different person.. literally. it's good because i was horrible to her back then. i don't remember a lot of it, and it is awful to hear stories of things i said or did. but it doesn't feel like me - when i apologize it feels like i'm apologizing for a friend, not myself. i'm glad she understands, or is beginning to. she's at least willing to listen and be supportive, which is what i need. i am trying to do the same for her, though emotional stuff is out of my realm of expertise. my previous self that she dated was hyperemotional and volatile. i'm the exact opposite.

i feel like i am slowly teasing apart the knot of selves..
Rae - current host, analytical, unemotional, agender
Rachel - volatile, hyperemotional, reactive, self-destructive, needy
Rachel Joy - detached, creative, magical
Keda - slave, submissive, people-pleasing, sexual
Taty - stripper, manipulative, sexual
SS3NDASS - keeper of all things secret and dark. not human.
Zodiac - violence
Critic - yells, doubts everything, criticizes, blames, argues, undermines, sabotages
Jukebox - never stops singing or repeating words and phrases, gets louder under stress
...that's not everyone i don't think, and some of the lines are blurry. i can't tell who the "I'm Scared" kid is. i think it might be the little version of one of the Rachels, or maybe altogether different. not sure if Critic is also the eating disorder one. it sounds like her.
Most of these are names I have actually used over the years, and it seems to coincide with each one's level of control over the body and life. Since one of these is my legal name, it makes it confusing since everyone is capable of responding to that name. We currently go by Rae, and it is now confusing even when people call us that - because it feels like we are more than just that one. ughhghgh.

i just want to run away to a secret magical summer camp full of nice safe people who know all about DID and can help us understand and work everything out.

sleeping a lot lately.
sorry if rambling.
posting names is terrifying.

Hi,

You're at the really hard beginning part. Just figuring stuff out. We were scared to post names too because it feels super exposed. This is a safe place though and it's been all right.

Our host has got lots of problems with his mom too. He loves her but we get angry and scared when he talks to her. And she guilts him and stuff. We had to work that out so he's not triggering us too much and making a mess all the time.

We went to college and then grad school like forever. It's hard but you can do it. We made it by going as a team. We're all good at different stuff and just had to figure out how to coordinate.

Be safe. Breathe. Talk to your alters.

Iain

Hi vortexvoid,

Just letting you know that we're listening and sending encouragement.

Allegra and others

IainEtc wrote:We went to college and then grad school like forever. It's hard but you can do it. We made it by going as a team. We're all good at different stuff and just had to figure out how to coordinate.

Be safe. Breathe. Talk to your alters.

IainEtc.. thank you for this. this is encouraging, and i really hope we can accomplish what we want to like you did. trying to talk/write with each other and it's just hard! some days feel fine and then some days are scary and confusing as hell.

MakersDozn - thank you, all of you. just knowing there are others out there who understand and care means so much.

___________________
the last few days have been strange. everything would be good, i would feel almost normal, then suddenly.. nope. the other day i started looking through some old art from middle school and high school, then some journals that spanned from elementary through a couple years ago - in every single thing i looked at, glaringly obvious signs that something like this was happening. i started wondering how to figure out some of the things i don't know from childhood.. went down a black hole of memory and thoughts to somewhere i didn't want to be. had to take several xanax to calm down and go to sleep.
wrote in our journal, where they were taking turns controlling my hands and writing. it's still unsettling feeling. i would be trying to write, then the pen would scribble and jolt and suddenly someone else is there - one said "You need to let us out even if you are afraid. We have to be able to see the outside world, otherwise we're just trapped in here, in our memories."
Ouch.

on the phone with my girlfriend last night we were discussing a misunderstanding, i felt stilted and wooden. suddenly i completely lost my $#%^ and screamed at my cats "GET THE ###$ AWAY FROM ME!!!" and they went running. then became hysterical, crying nonstop and apologizing over and over and couldn't stop thinking "i'm a bad mother i'm a bad mother". fell on the floor and sort of vacated the body.
i was afraid because the last time i completely and spontaneously blacked out, it was in a similar situation. for whatever reason, my pets trigger this intense fear that i'm "a bad mom" and it takes me somewhere very bad that i don't understand. i don't have real human kids, just animals. i don't get it.

anyway, gf drove over immediately and helped me out. she has been reading about DID and trying to be supportive, which really helps. i made us dinner and we watched TV and just relaxed. i feel exhausted though. that was more emotion than i've expressed in months.

i don't understand what is happening and i'm so tired.
therapy tomorrow.
thank you for listening <3

therapy today. very necessary. i am so grateful for my T because she understands me so well and is so accepting and "gets" me. that one hour of my week is so important.

i actually FELT a switch occur in there today. we were talking about my conflicted feelings about my parents and what a quandary i'm in since i need information from them but don't trust that i can get it, or that it will be safe to try. i said, pretty casually, "this is why people shouldn't have kids".

suddenly i felt a very distinct shift, a physical one, like i popped up out of my body and to the right a little. i felt angry and harsh and bitter and thought "especially if they already knew they didn't want them. they should have just gotten rid of it, they knew they didn't want a kid and did it anyway". i fought hard to not say this out loud. it felt like i was gripping at my body and pulling myself back down and to the left, then i "popped back" into my previous self. my therapist looked at me and asked "what's that face?" ..i guess i had a weird facial expression. i told her what happened.

it felt like i had a distinct switch but was fighting to not let it show. forcing myself back. the strangest feeling. i think i am embarrassed of it, afraid that if she sees them "out" she will think we are fake or stupid. i KNOW that isn't true, but it is a fear all the same. so we fought against it, even though they've been telling me in my journal to let them out. i'm scared to.

in other interesting news, last night i dreamed that i was at work - i cut microscopic sections of tissue samples, and i was seeing myself do that. a "narrator" was explaining that one alter will host for a time, taking care of things as best they can. i watched as the blade dulled slowly and the sections of tissue got scratchier and more wrinkly, until the blade had to be changed to a fresh one. the narrator explained that this is what happens with the host - they get worn down and tired, and someone else steps in to take over. new blade=new host. i woke up feeling very grateful for such a clear and literal explanation.

this is all so strange.
i am barely hanging on in school.

Hey Rae ... I just read through this whole thread and I want you to know I'm listening too. I love how you're documenting all of this, makes me wish I could get my $#%^ together to keep up any semblance of a journal, I used to write all the time. The difference in handwriting is something I'm definitely going to look into ... I noticed that my handwriting seems to change a lot but I thought it was just my mood lol

Kudos to your girlfriend for trying .. Even if it seems like she won't get it, I'm sure she wants to do the best she can for you and ignorance can sometimes cause persons to say the wrong thing ... Don't take it too personally ... Some great advice I need to take myself lol My SO Cee gets the basics of it ... but she says i'm letting it control me and I am the one in control of my body ... which hurts because sometimes I feel helpless in my own skin but I guess it's one of those things you'd have to experience to understand, so I can't blame her.


Keep on keeping on. I agree with Iain, talking is good. Talking means acceptance of all the bits of you you think are too crazy for real life. With acceptance you'll find your balance ... I'm still trying to find mine. Not even anywhere close but it's a step.

Kudos for doing school and work! You're doing a great job ... It takes a lot of willpower to push yourself like that. I hope you're able to hold on to the motivation you have inside, it will be vital.


We are listening.