Vera1981 wrote:Symptom 1: Verbal Outbursts but not like Tourette's. Specificially, a few occasions where I start speaking with no control or will or knowledge of what I am saying or will say next. An instance: at a preacher's house and I burst into a conversation to give a monologue about how to brush your teeth that isn't even correct and as I'm speaking I know full well you do not brush your teeth hard for a full 5 minutes, ect. But the words, to my surprise keep coming out. Another instance, talking to a friend on the phone who is very religious (note I'm no longer religious and these are the examples I remember that just happen to be from a time when I was still religious) and I break into her conversation to say, "God ######6 Damn it!" I was such a good little girl that I would not have spoken like that. Laughably, I'd compare the sensation to possession as I feel I have no control over my voice.
Symptom 2: forgotten verbal outbursts. I always thought my husband was pulling my leg. He'd tell me I'd just screamed or cried out or was extremely emotional but as far as I remembered I'd been just standing there. I blew him off. Now that I've moved away from him (thought he was gas lighting me or "joking" as his jokes can sometimes be harsh) for awhile my family has said similar things to me, "You okay?"
Me: Confused, "Yeah, why?"
Them: Equally confused, "Well, you just cried out and made that noise."
Me: "Um, no I've been here the whole time. I think I'd remember that."
They actually used the word anguished.
I can't tell you the number of times that's happened around my husband. And who knows before that. So far as I know the only thing close to that I've ever known about was in Basic Military Training where I slept-walked for the one and only time of my life.
I don't think I have lost time though. I remember being right where I was, doing whatever I was doing when I'm told I just screamed or cried or said something horrible like the time I was pregnant and cried, "She's going to die!" or so swore my husband. And I miscarried.
So, now that you are caught up I want to know if I'm just rotten or spoiled or childish or if something else is going on with why I'm doing the following.
So, I've separated from my husband and had to move back home for the time being. It didn't take long to bring on the worst of my behaviors. I have Mommy issues. Whenever she talks I go straight into defensive mode. I don't know what is going to set her off. It's both my parents, but more my Mom. She always tells me how I'm infantile I am. She doesn't use that word but for years it's variants of the word childish. Sometimes there is nothing to be done but prepare for the yelling that is to come. I used to take Venlafaxine and that would brace me for the yelling without reciprocating.
But now it's like she knows just what to say that has that bite to it and my reaction goes way over the top. To anyone looking they would see me as being wildly out of line. I hate it. But I know the yelling is coming. She's angry and the sly comment meant to sound to untrained ears to be funny and lighthearted is anything but. I don't think she even knows she's doing it but I don't know. I know what she's doing because I have found myself doing the same thing and being so hurtful and it's taken years to learn not to act that way. I don't know if I'll ever completely crack that vindictive and mean characteristic. All it does is make me hate myself more so I get angry (surprise: Mom gets angry). You have to be aware and you have to apologize and my husband didn't deserve that.
So, it's like when you are on a diet and you binge eat. Suddenly, your Id takes over and you are left afterwards with chocolate on your lip, crying into an empty tub of ice cream for not having willpower. The wild reaction snaps out of me. I'm having a panic attack on the way home because I know she's going to yell and accuse and blame me for something I've done. I'm screaming in the car, leaning forward, desperate to be as perfect as I can be to make the blow less horrible. I get to where she is and after one sentence (almost always one sentence) and I'm having this huge over-reaction. I only do it around her and I try to stop. If I could just stay silent and not react.
She assumes I've learned it somewhere else. She told me I learned it somewhere. Reflexively I just tell her I learned it from her and I've tried to stop. I only do that around her. She later tells me I'm not to talk to her that way (it burst out and I ran off afraid of her reaction). When I started crying (yes, crying - the thing I spent decades NOT doing like at all because I didn't want to get yelled at) she told me to stop it and I was doing that to myself.
I do feel infantile. I'm college educated and I feel like my brain cells are slowly dying. I saw my husband today and we had the best conversation. I felt like myself. But I'm the problem, not him. Actually, that's not 100% true but it's complicated.
I'm trapped and I need better defenses. This is the closest thing I have to a positive support network. My parents are mean but also somehow supportive? I'm sure ya'll have complicated odd relationships with your family too. I can't leave.
I need to learn to go back to not crying, not reacting, not showing emotions and pretending to be strong. I spent years pretending I was strong so I wouldn't get so much wrath. I can't even defend an opposing opinion without it becoming an argument and I always end up folding so I learned years ago I can't have a conversation with my Mom, not a real one.
My bedroom door doesn't even work so I can't even cry in my bedroom at night. I went to the basement once to cry and the found me and told me what a child I was being. I went to the chicken coop to cry tonight and my brother found me to comfort me. I'm glad it was him. Oh god, if my Mom had found me crying it would have been bad.
I'm trying not to be suicidal any more and this isn't helping. I can't get out without being homeless and I've tried getting into some homeless vet programs with no avail (I have a place to stay, with my parents and that is better than some) so I need advice on how to keep myself safe and sane. I'm in the VA so I can't go to therapy regularly but I will soon be having therapy twice a month because of the suicide attempt. Most vets are only able to get in once every other month or so in my area.
Did I mention my Mom is a social worker, for the VA? She goes to meetings with my mental health team.
You don't even want to know what my childhood maladaptive coping mechanism was. I'm still haunted by that...but it helped me not to show my emotions. My angst certainly came out in colorful ways. God, I hate myself. Why am I still trying to get better? Why do I even still think there is a better to get to? The VA is now trying to get me to transfer. I've, yet again, become a burden. Not to my husband or family this time but to the very choked up system that is working so hard to get me "better."
I really thought if I could just have that strength to kill myself (that thought had become comforting to me more than anything else) that my husband could go on and get married to a better woman; one who could have kids. He's going into the research side of Psychology so he could help a lot of people and his wife wouldn't be crazy. But I called 911 and wound up in the hospital for 3 weeks, now separated from him and still hoping he can have a great life but what do I do? I can't help but think I deserve everything. I can only see the worst of myself: always!
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