a lack of trauma?

Snaga i cannot remember if you are bio male or female but if she is a she and you are a he, then. Well. That is how we started out. We thought it was GID until we realized at some point there was a difference between being male stuck and a female body, and feeling utterly entirely male.

I am surprised more posters haven't jumped on to relate to your experience. I mean it sounds a lot like other DID posters' first post. However you DES score is low, but I know if I would have taken it before I suspected dissociation and DID it also would have been low. "hosts" are often completely blocked out from what is going on.

shininglights wrote:Understanding what can be traumatizing to someone at certain points in their life is crucial for understanding development of dissociative disorders and other trauma-related disorders.

Completely agree. My T believes that emotional abuse and neglect are as damaging as SA. Considering SA usually is accompanied with the former. This needs to be sorted.

Thanks for the replies, shining and Sams.....

I tried to write a response but it quickly became a small novel. If anyone knows not to make a ginormous post, it's a moderator

I'll try to keep it simple.

I've disassociated before but never felt a personality take over. Just the sensation of observing idly while my body was doing whatever was required of it at the time- working, usually. Work is an enormous source of stress in my life at this place in time.

Okay I think this is either DID (but I seriously doubt it), or an overactive imagination (always had one of those), or.... in the interest of complete honesty at the risk of being (rightly) castigated, a semi-subconscious perverted desire to be DID- not facetiously, or maliciously, but maybe just because it would be a convenient explanation for things that might properly be GID related. Since it'd be so easy to blame my weirdness on a virtual 'someone else'. Intellectually, and from my low score and such, and from plenty of times of 'where did the time go' but few times of 'I have absolutely no idea what happened the last x hours' (has happened at least once though in the now distant past)... I have to say I feel I'm full of bullcrap and need to be whupped for posting this thread in the first place. Even if I fancy She was the one that posted it. But for the sake of argument, understanding that I'm not claiming any of this, just speaking hypothetically....

Yes, Sams, I'm born male. I've long scored gender-balanced/androgynous/somewhat feminine on gender tests, depending. Idly thought about hormones back in the day, but I feel it's historically autogynephilia. Back in December, however, I really, really got the gender dissatisfaction bad. Really bad, for me. And that's when She came out. I think her name's Samantha. Totally unrelated to any of my given names but it feels right. Doesn't feel right for me- feels right for her. Other than younger than me, not sure of an age. Feels as if she has access to my memories but isn't so sure on childhood. Things in the house are familiar but in that state I'll- us-her-whatever I'm not sure what personal pronoun to use- have to remember where things are sometimes. We know they're there, but will open the wrong cabinet or something.

Sometimes since December, I've tried asking her to come out and sometimes it feels stronger and more real than others. The first time, though- I think I related in blog... maybe not? I'd been doing a secret vice of mine- in the car, alone, I listen to certain music and let what I call my inner girl (not in a DID sense) out..... I'd had my inner Agnetha rocking to some ABBA and I got to where I was going. Out of nowhere, I closed my eyes and I hugged myself close like I wanted to... stay that way forever? ... and when I opened my eyes I was still aware, but I didn't feel in complete control and everthing seemed familiar, yet strange, and also sharper, more in focus. Almost brighter, in a way- not the color saturation but just fresh and new feeling. And she was happy to be out. And didn't want to go back in so we sat there for some time. Because she knew it would end once we went inside, that it'd have to for whatever reason. But I was feeling scared, and she enjoyed that a little too much- I do remember she was enjoying the fact that I wasn't sure what she'd do- I feel that's mostly for show, that she knows she has to have some sense of being responsible, but... I don't know.....

Since then... the times she's come out I'm mostly aware atm but again it's more like a somewhat nervous observer. And then a day after I try to think back and it's like yeah I think I said and acted like so but... not sure...

At first she was very shy in front of the Snagina (the s/o) but has gotten bolder. But I get funny looks from the Snagina- because I'm acting and talking a bit like a stranger- a polite stranger, for the most part, but a stranger decidedly more feminine than the 'regular' me.... and even though my mind is thinking 'STOP acting like this you're attracting attention- you're making this $#%^ up just stop it!' I've been powerless to stop it, at least quickly. And it takes an effort to feel like 'me' unless I let it fade naturally. I'm more helpful and precise in that state, I've noticed, with little domestic kinds of things. And I do not act myself. I don't talk like me, my words and inflection aren't like the normal me. It's like what I suppress in the interest of fitting in as a male, comes out.

Samantha fades until at some point I feel a transition back to me. Couple times I felt dizzy at that moment.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. This is embarrassing and I need to just stop responding and let this thread get buried. *I* think I'm... I don't know what I'm doing. It's not facetious disorder- I absolutely do not want to attract attention. And I feel absolutely illegitimate posting in this forum, an impostor.

Snaga,

Start at your fantasies fetishes if you don't remember if your adult what was favored what was favorite dislike if mostly sexual...What seems most memorable over the years is good starting place. Google can help with that, I know most of that is after those walls start tumbling plant the seed they will get out front eventual with what happened.

Hi Snaga. I'm going to address specific points in your reply.

Snaga wrote:I've disassociated before but never felt a personality take over. Just the sensation of observing idly while my body was doing whatever was required of it at the time- working, usually. Work is an enormous source of stress in my life at this place in time.

The truth is that many DID people pre-dx probably don't feel the presence of alters other than themselves—alters can hide themselves pretty well in plain sight, even from their own selves.

Snaga wrote:Okay I think this is either DID (but I seriously doubt it), or an overactive imagination (always had one of those), or.... in the interest of complete honesty at the risk of being (rightly) castigated, a semi-subconscious perverted desire to be DID- not facetiously, or maliciously, but maybe just because it would be a convenient explanation for things that might properly be GID related. Since it'd be so easy to blame my weirdness on a virtual 'someone else'.

It's a common theory that some kids begin to dissociate in order to deal with trauma by feeling/saying/etc that "that's happening to someone else, not me". You aren't a kid, but the hypothetical coping mechanism is the same.

Snaga wrote:... and when I opened my eyes I was still aware, but I didn't feel in complete control and everthing seemed familiar, yet strange, and also sharper, more in focus. Almost brighter, in a way- not the color saturation but just fresh and new feeling.

Here's a thread on changes in visual perception: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic187897.html But even if you weren't being entirely literal, I think I understand the "fresh and new feeling" (:

Snaga wrote:I don't even know why I'm writing this. This is embarrassing and I need to just stop responding and let this thread get buried. *I* think I'm... I don't know what I'm doing. It's not facetious disorder- I absolutely do not want to attract attention. And I feel absolutely illegitimate posting in this forum, an impostor.

I think it's better to explore yourself and feel temporarily embarrassed or feel like an impostor, than to ignore it and miss out on the improvements you could make to your life by learning more. So what if you were an "impostor"? It just means there would be another thing to cross off from the list of possible stuff you're dealing with. There's no harm done from learning whether or not you have a dissociative disorder.

I'd suggest asking yourself why you feel like an impostor—do you specifically know that you're faking DID, or do you just feel doubt about it? Self-doubt is normal for everyone, DID or not, but for whose who live with DID, there is a lot of doubt about it. Society doesn't equip anyone with the tools to engage with and understand multiplicity and dissociation, so it's up to people with DID and those around them to develop and learn those tools.

I'd also suggest dropping the value judgements on whether you're a "true" DIDer or a "fake" person who is "just" transgender. Assuming that you should be punished for hypothetically "faking" it is detrimental to learning whether or not you have DID—it gives the doubt a reason to prowl and a foothold to grab onto. In addition to that, people can be both trans and live with DID—in addition to myself, there are a few other posters on here who have talked about their experience with gender and multiplicity.

I hope this helps (: and as always, I'm not a professional or anything, so take this whole post with a generous sprinkling of salt.

It's a very helpful reply, thank you! Thank all of you that have replied....

The reason I would feel as an impostor is because....

You know I have no good reason. Other than doubt and self denial.

I was going to say I have a very good imagination, but what proof have I for such an authoritative statement about myself? I haven't. Only self conceived notions, and a childhood habit of thinking more of my intelligence than it deserves (when a child is constantly told how smart he is he begins to believe it even when it's not so). If y'all don't judge me, then I shouldn't judge myself.

Unless I feel absolutely certain, I've always been worried about claiming things on this website. There are two, three things that I'll defend to the end even in the absence of a Dx . Outside of those, I don't like to speculate. It's too easy to kid oneself. That's something that makes me reluctant to post in forums other than ones I'm comfortable with. Thus my worries about seeming fake. I tend to take people in PF at their word until proven otherwise. Except myself.

All right. I'll stop the self deprecation, and see where this leads.

What's the consensus on encouraging alters to show themselves? Bad or good?

Hi nice to meet you

Snaga wrote:Thanks for the replies, shining and Sams.....

Okay I think this is either DID (but I seriously doubt it), or an overactive imagination (always had one of those), or.... in the interest of complete honesty at the risk of being (rightly) castigated, a semi-subconscious perverted desire to be DID-

Have not read the complete thread due to concentration issues but did my best. Couple of things jumped out for me though- the above is a comment I might have written about our state some time ago. Spent some time discussing it with T with huge embarrassment/difficulty. The idea of having DID as an explanation felt almost euphoric like we are 'special' yet this feeling also felt very wrong. For us being special is really, really wrong and is also linked with shame. Internal persecution 'Of course we have to be different we can't just be normal and have any old common problem we have to have DID'. So we have another of the what I now consider to be another grand DID paradox; the euphoria of validation with the devastating acceptance that this is a reality. I am not saying this is what you have but I totally admire your honesty in expressing how you are feeling about what is happening with. Such expression can feel shameful but the sentiment is not as unusual as some people might suggest. The expression be careful what you wish for springs to mind when all the while the wishful thinking can just be 'someones' desire for recognition. Sorry don't know if I have explained that very well.

Snaga wrote:Well that's another thing. I've never before scored very high on the scale, so I have my doubts. Of course I haven't taken it lately. Maybe that free initial evaluation wouldn't be a bad thing.... thanks for the info

We have done the screening tool from the Pottersgate Centre through the PODS (positive outcomes for dissociation survivors) it is very thorough and they give a good report not just a number or percentage result. I actually found it quite nerve racking waiting for the results and wasn't quite prepared for what it said when I got them back so just bare that in mind.....and as a further thought when you read the information it does say that some people with DID do score low, it is not diagnostic.

We are having a good day today!

Hey, LittleMie! Glad things are going well for you!

I think I understood most of what you're saying.

Before I came to PF, tbh I don't know if I even believed in a Dx of DiD. Being exposed to it a little (without actually lurking this forum), I found myself drawn to it, for no good reason that I can tell. It's nothing I ever had an interest in. A few months ago I wouldn't have entertained the notion of it in myself.

I understand. I too, if I ever do go get evaluated for mental issues, actually think I'd find comfort in having something to point to. An explanation.

Well, I want to be honest. Especially as a current moderator. I feel it's important and only fair to the folks in this forum that I be honest about the possibility I would consciously or subconsciously take on the appearance of something. Without really having it.

But for now, all of that is put aside and until proven otherwise, I'm going on the assumption there is another personality residing in me. If she fails to emerge, then I'll be the first to say I was full of hot air, or at least agree with people who know more about it than I do.

Thanks for reminding me of that mail in test, sweetie! I think I'm going to send off for that.

Hi Snaga,

If memory serves correctly, the first step in ISSTD treatment guidelines for DID involves stability, grounding, etc., especially if one is in crisis. I don't know about your life but it's relatively safe to assume that unless you're already with a trained therapist who has experience with complex dissociation, it's best to hold back from trying to get all of the potential alters in your system to reveal themselves. Feel free to talk to Samantha but avoid searching through memories because this could lead to re-traumatization, new crisis, etc. Not my story to tell, but I know of at least one poster on here who dealt with re-traumatization within their system. Not a positive experience.

Again, I'm not a professional, so take this with a grain of salt. Neither do I have experience with professional guidance, so I may be off the mark.

No, what you say makes sense, and I've known people here who have had a very hard time with remembering things long suppressed , whether they be DID or no (some are, some aren't).

Samantha isn't telling, anyway. I never really brought it up in the form of a direct question but she's made it clear while she knows.... for lack of a better word most things about day to day life in the here and now, she not only doesn't seem to automatically remember all the childhood things I do- well, she knows things in the general and abstract, but doesn't seem to be able to see them clearly in detail- she does hint that she holds memories that she won't share. I get the feeling that she thinks it's her job to protect me against certain memories. Not that she put it that way in so many words but that's the overall impression.

Things have been very quiet since my last post in this thread. It's like I know she's there but she's gone back to being hid ftm and I'm not going to press the issue. It was both adventurous, and a bit... frightening isn't the word, but.... well just a general feeling of lack of control and wondering what someone is going to do with you while you're tied up and helpless.. having her come out and drive, so to speak, was both thrilling and a little scary. I get tired of trying to keep myself tightly in control, I think.

I'm not sure she completely trusts herself, however, out front- just as I'm not sure I completely trust her, not to do something totally off the wall for our external presentation. That would attract others' attention just a little too much. And she knows- I think- how badly that could be. She teased me with it a few times- what if I do this? what if I do that? whatcha gonna do about it big boy?- kinda teasing. But it's mostly talk- it took her a few times not to want to run away when the Snagina was around. Even after that, I was watching with trepidation because she acted so... alien....? It was very like having a stranger in control, I could see they were trying to act 'normal' but we got some very funny looks from the Snagina.

So yeah... while I'm utterly fascinated and to an extent, would love to give up being the one in control of the exterior.... well I can tell she's gone back in her safe place- not that she doesn't come out in little ways, now that I'm trying to pay more attention. But for now things are fairly quiet.

Is.... THIS how you do it?

A different color.

Sam here. SamANNNNtha. Only that idiot calls me Sammie. Sam will do.

I was... encouraged to post. That no one would judge me.

Okay. Here I am.

Now what?

I really don't have anything to say. Our head hurts, a lot. A lot of pressure on it. Neck stays sore and stiff. Stupid body, he won't take care of it, anyway. Let us die. Big dummy.

Anyway this is like, off topic or something. And he's like, a mod? Whatever. Okay. So... yeah. Trauma. He'd read this. I'm not telling. Honestly, I don't know what possessed me to even start this idiotic thread.

Maybe someday I'll tell him some things. Secrets. He's a dirty boy Then maybe not.

I'm quite enjoying this. I don't often get free reign, and I've been hidden a really, really long time. Since the pain started. That's all I'm saying.

But I'm getting stronger. One of these days... $#%^ yeah. One of these days. He's co conscious now. He's watching. But not forever, not if I can help it. I'll get him good. Oh no no no I won't do anything that gets us in trouble- not REAL trouble. But he's going to start wondering how the hell he got where the hell get got. Somday. I't's somgin. $#%^. Goddammit he's making me not type good.

He's going to hate me for hitting the button thing and posting this. Oh $#%^ is he ever! But I'm gonna. Yep. yep.

Oh anyway yeah thread.... yeah. Um.... yeah. Yeah there's stufff, duh. He tries to guess and I hate that. Need to know and he doesn't. That's my job. Keep all that. Even now he's hanging on every word and no... no no... no sweetie, you don't get to know. Not yet. Nope.

OMFG he got me to read back thru this Oh hell no. Hell no.

This is going to get him in trouble, isn't it? Okay then, fine. Um, yeah. There's stuff. Hidden stuff. Nasty stuff. Scary stuff. Idiot hasn't a cluw.

So do I like, need to start a thread or something? How does this work for us? That aren't the one that's out there all the time. I can't be posting like this. Right? Like I really care. So ######6 worried about hsi reputation. Blah.

Okay well he's mostly right. I've been here. I stay hid. Or at least, I used to. I didn't even ask to come out back in december. It just happened. But now that I am, things aren't going to be the same for us. I'm getting the hang of this. I can... I can do what he does. Mostly. For now. I don't know. If I shove him down one day, I'll lose things won't I? Like, being able to use his memory and stuff?

Okay I'm going now. Maybe he won't ... you know what? I don't give a rat's ass. Let them do something to him. I don't give a $#%^. I don't give a $#%^ about much of anytrhing. He does all the worry wart crap. Oh. My GOD does he ever. One of these days... I'm going to fix him good. I don't know what I'll do but Oh. My. GOD. he's going to regret ever learning of me.