in crisis

thinking of you. hope you are well.
sending warm feelings and peaceful thoughts

Thanks L. Tough times. I will explain one day. the universe has shifted. I think.

I realized today that I have a lot left to do on plant earth. If my time is up, it won't be by my choosing.

I am fascinated by DID. Most days I have it, but there were a few moments this week where I didn't. I want to meet someone else with DID, desperately. But it is the last thing on earth I want to do.

Does this make sense to you?

Hi SamsLand

I've never posted to this thread. I kept meaning to... You've been there for us. I'm sorry I didn't post to your crisis.

Take care... Brett

Hi Samsland,

<BIG sigh> It's good to know you're still with us. We were worried about you for a while there.

We'd love to meet someone else with DID but totally scared to make it happen. Host can't even post here without a panic attack so I guess actually meeting someone is off the table.

Iain

Hi Brett - you don't have to worry about posting - you kinda have your hands full. I let that conversation you were having with a part continue. Things are a but slower now.

Iain that is so thoughtful. I remember Lizzy feeling really thrilled that you cared. Not many people in the whole world care about us. that attachment disorder thing gets in the way. Iain's host, I know how you feel. We decided we would like to meet someone one day but it couldn't be in the same city or someone that we could see on a regular basis. Something that could be a one off if it needed to be. too many complicating issues.

Folks, we are really tired of all of this DID stuff. I I get it. we have it. sometimes we operate as a singleton and often as a pair and sometimes as a group. But what I mean is the attachment issues. WE've fallen into a deep suicidal depression again, not that we are actually going to kill the body because we wouldn't abandon our irl kids and there are things left in the world to enjoy, but present is that hopeless desperation that is relentless.

There is this constant shock; like waking up to a new reality. I keep asking inside, what is it that we cannot accept? it is not inherently the DID. There is still some shock that our childhood wasn't fine (most of us thought it was fine until recently). But I think it is the attachment disorder. That it will always be there. It will always be work. It will always be hard. That it is pervasive in so many situations. That it complicates therapy. Because a therapist cannot provide the attachment that we actually need. And I know we are being trained to find this within ourselves but this is probably one aspect of Isstd trauma therapy practice that I find to be a load of $#%^. they are hoping we can find attachment inside a DID person who has an attachment disorder? cart before the horse in my mind. I am trying. We are trying. I feel like the low fruit is gone and the ones higher up are just images or reflections, and are someone not attainable. Definitely not curable.

You wonder about my SO? He's a wonderful person, a great support. He tries his best. but he has his own issues. And it seems he is not ready to deal with his own stuff. and i realize he needs to do this first. yes, I would love him to be that person. but he is not ready, and that will be his journey. I know he loves what he knows as us, the best way he can.

i feel bad i always come here when I feel like a bag of shit-.

Hi Sam People,
Don't feel bad. It is safe to get it out here. Our host is having a really rough time lately and I tell her to only open the door on the big picture when it feels safe to do so. Otherwise get through the day. Or the hour. Or the minute. Living in the present is actually not a bad strategy for us but I don't know about you. I know it can seem daunting, this life of struggle stretched out before you but are there any bright spots? I'm not usually one to be optimistic and I hate getting hit with an optimist when I am deep in,$#%^ so I'll stop with that now. Just keep breathing. If you stay alive treading water long enough a life preserver may come into reach.
Heather

Hi SamsLand

I can really empathize with your depression. In public, on the outside, I push through everything. I am relentlessly "awesome" whenever anyone asks me. But put me in front of a T and I'm chronically depressed.

Depression is defined by some as: a lessening of self; a negative time in your life as the possibilities of life appear to dissipate.

For me, that's a good description. As I become more depressed, I find that my options become less and less. As I find myself trying to think my way through my diminishing options, I become more depressed.

Depression is caused by multiple vectors and they all appear to stack up against us, putting us into a situation that we simply cannot get out of. Countering this is very difficult because we have identify and resolve each negative flow or pattern in our lives.

It's interesting to hear the following off-the-cuff advice: just snap out of it, it's just in your head; or use your mind over your body; all you need is a positive attitude. While well-meaning and based on sound principles, they're a little pithy when you're into a deep depression.

We can't think ourselves out of depression. We think too much as it is, and if we use most of our time thinking about depression, we'll just depress ourselves further.

It's like getting lost in the forest: you start off knowing where you are, but slowly, over time, you start to realize that you're not where you were supposed to be; you realize you are lost. Just blindly walking around in circles won't help you find yourself. You don't run further into the forest. You stop, breathe, relax, check that you're safe and then you start moving according to a plan.

That's known as positive action. That's what we need to do to get ourselves out of depression. Try this:

• Don’t dive into your depression.
• Don’t resist your depression.
• Relax and calmly assess your safety and situation.
• Follow whimsy.
• Somewhere along the way, begin to explore again. Look for signs and opportunities to engage in life-affirming positive actions.

As for the attach yourself to yourself, I understand the rationale behind that statement but I'm still trying to determine what it is exactly that you would attach to. But, it's definitely not your mind-thoughts - they are transitory and fixate on suffering.

But please, don't worry about posting here when you're having issues... I think that's one of the principles behind the forum: post and get help.

Take care... Brett

I came on here to scream and scream about how I hate DID. Then I read some nice things and thought how can I hate something so much that has allowed me to know of such nice and amazing people?

Heather thanks for your words. I am really trying to live in the moment and when I experience moments of relief and joy, i truly cherish them. As I have posted before I still always find it fascinating that depression and suicidal thoughts can be all consuming and then when they are not there i am completely lost to how they felt.

Brett thanks you have described depression perfectly. I know of someone who died recently. i think they committed suicide. I keep wondering - how to I make sure we don't get to that point that we truly believe there is no other option? I think of all of the beautiful things life on earth has to offer, yet as described above, there can be moments that those things are invisible if not non-existent.

I read something tonight about connection between two things is more fluid than a firm attachment. That it can disconnect and reconnect. It was really helpful to highlight the fluidity of it all. and I suddenly realized that i have lost my connection to my T. I can't find it. I think it is obscured by protectionist behaviour. Or fear. But not knowing where it is, is contributing to us feeling lost.

I am so tired.

it is exhausting. so exhausting


I personally cannot imagine how anyone handles having an SO at all

it is interesting to watch attachmemt.as a parent. the baby needs you 24/7. as they become mobile enough to explore they look back to make sure you are there. you are watching. they are safe.

by the time they are toddling they run off to explore but come back every few minutes. maybe 3, 5,10 or 20. they get a little charge up on love and security and go back to exploring.

as they get older the tether gets longer. it flexes and stretches further and further. but they still come back for that love charge. that reassurance that they are loved and cared for.

I don't understand how I got so ###$ up.... and maybe I never will. I have 95% accepted that I will be solo. relationships just never work. but there is that 1 part of me who wants a partner. but i have had to accept that my behavior isn't fair to another person. and I will never know what it's like to be in a relationship and not have 1 foot out the door. besides. I make #######5 choices when it comes to men. I have long term fraternal male friendships and I am capable of that
but not that whole love and partnership deal. no being vulnerable or controlled for me! my friends seem to understand my need for SPACE. but a partner n.e.v.e.r. has.

I wish I could share more when I am struggling. I only seem to want to share my victories.

I get all mixed up to.