in crisis

we've had a major breakdown. trigger warning

as a realized system, i don't think we've ever been this low. An alter called the suicide hotline, we couldn't speak, didnt realize they would call back. talked with T we agreed to go outside would be grounding. Something kept pulling us, pushing us to the train station. We managed to divert and went to the dog park. There is a forest beside the dog park and wanted to die there. Lie there and die. There were too many people with dogs and people with dogs are happy. and I think i was scaring people (weird person in the forest with no dog sitting in the snow). someone had the wherewithal to get us out of the forest before darkness set in too much. It was hard enough to see at dusk.

we have major attachment issues. But we managed to reach out. Reached out to a friend (first time ever) to help care for the kids. First time letting a 3D friend see me in distress.

woke up crying and dreaming. My t believes that for a lot of dreams all of the characters/players are us. in my dream I was a camp counsellor, trying to make a fun day for a bunch of traumatized kids.

sending you love and support.
just dont give up. this will pass. it will.

Are you in a more or less safe place at the moment? Are you at home and have you reached out to your T? As birdsong says, it will definitely pass. In the meantime, of course, it's tough.

Sorry if any of these questions are leading but I know you've done a lot of work over the years and aren't a novice.

There seem to be a couple positive signs in your description -- someone getting you out of the forest before it became too dark and your reaching out to a friend, sharing genuine distress. Based on your dream, might there be a little, perhaps one in pain, who is stepping forward?

SamsLand wrote:Something kept pulling us, pushing us to the train station.

Does something suggest someone to you?

When you went to the dog park, even if there was chaos, was there a sense it was a pleasant place? I can't help but think of a dog park as a place I'd like to be but that may be incidental.

Hi Samsland,

I really hope you will take care of yourself. A lot of times you have really helped us make it through. I mean losing you guys would be losing a lot from the world.

I have an idea. Maybe somebody needs to say something and doesn't know how - I mean not a good way to say it.

Iain

You also reached out to us. Well done! Were all these positive actions in a written safety plan?

SamsLand wrote:My t believes that for a lot of dreams all of the characters/players are us. in my dream I was a camp counsellor, trying to make a fun day for a bunch of traumatized kids.

Yup, that sounds right on point. I know the feeling! All these insiders needing me to take care of them, argh! What about me? Who is going to take care of me? Wah!

You are going to be okay. Maybe some self-care is in order? What would be a nice treat for you right now?

You can do this.

I'm glad you wrote. I'm impressed that you reached out and I like Una+'s suggestion to do something nice for yourself, if you can manage it.

I've had a lot of "I thought I was beyond this" kind of phenomena happening to me lately, too. Today a part of me almost drove to the mental hospital. It's really shocking.

I'm glad the hotline was able to go above and beyond to make certain you we're safe, Samsland!

Nondescript wrote:I've had a lot of "I thought I was beyond this" kind of phenomena happening to me lately, too. Today a part of me almost drove to the mental hospital. It's really shocking.

Me too! A lot of dark forces were stirring.

What helped me was getting to the root of what hurting the body would accomplish and for whom. Are you able to see your T more often until you can figure this out? This helped me too. What did they want to happen at the train station? Did someone take you to the dog park so that you would be safe by being around happy people? Who got you out of there before dark? Who is the camp counsellor and who are the kids? I know I'm giving you more questions than answers but these are just the questions I would be asking ourselves in your shoes.
Heather and C

Thank you for your support everyone. It is true, it is another positive sign we reached out here. The whole thing is slowly passing but definitely not over.

Thanks for your supportive words birdsong, I know you guys are struggling too. We watched Ellen Here and Now as you previously suggested. It helped us get through an hour of being alone safely.

Johnny-Jack your questions are on point. The dog park was definitely a safe place. And the dogs seem to disrupt the dissociation. Keeping us a bit more present. When I read back, in fact the dog park was not that busy, it was coldish, wintery, but there were enough dogs and disruptions that helped. There were too many dogs to lie in the forest, dissociated with the goal of disappearing.

A few of you asked. The train station was definitely a self harm destination, not a getting out of town destination. We are still working on the who. But carefully. This part is extremely suicidal. We take the train to get around a lot, and well I am not comfortable with the behaviour that is going on at train stations.

Iain I think you are right. I think there are parts, maybe previously unidentified parts, maybe parts who are opening up who are trying to say something. I also think there are flashbacks involved. But these are harder to identify because a lot of the trauma was a way of living, so the flashback presents in a different form than one of a specific traumatic event.

Una I don’t get the feeling knowingly wants someone to care for them, but I do think this might be they way they are asking for help. I am trying to take it easy. Took some time away from work, resting, sleeping. But every time I try to “get going” I feel paralyzed.

Nondescript it is exactly that. I thought I was beyond these things, beyond being suicidal, beyond dangerous events when someone has executive control. I guess we are not.

Team78 thanks! You know I never called the hotline before (and I didn’t call the hotline, another alter did , still don’t know who came to the rescue). Again I think another sign that we aren’t going to suffer in isolation.

Coloured Leaves, I do think getting to the root of what dying will accomplish will be helpful. I will start 2x/week sessions for the next while. I think someone did take us to the dog park because they realized before the ones who were co-con did what the train station was for. I think it was the same part who got us out of the forest before darkness set in. There are huge barriers right now, so I can’t feel and know what it is.

This for me feels more like a memory. I am sure I was co-con for some, but for some of it just have access to the memory.

It was not part of a safety plan. But now we have one. We need to negotiate activity at the train station.

As for the kids at the camp. I want to explore this more with my T. There is something here.

I see this is really long. I truly thank you for your support. I am not feeling well after writing so must go now.

Thanks for writing. We were thinking about you.

Iain