Lost host talked to T today

Terrin, who is slowly coming back to us, was adamant that she talk to T today. This was our first appointment since November as T has been on vacation. I (C) was a little bit wary as I have been these past few weeks that Terrin has been fronting again. I worry that she will say something that will get us Formed (involuntary admission.) But I am slowly learning that she is not the same as she was when she hosted and led us to multiple hospitalizations. She is more in control, less impulsive and not as self destructive. Before today, she had talked to volunteers on the crisis line a few times since coming back to us around Christmas time, but hadn't been face to face with anyone in seven years. It really did the system good to let her do this and T assured us it was safe and that she was appropriate.

Something occurs to me. There is a common thread between Heather and Terrin. Both are looking for ways to be free of oppression. Heather does it by getting angry and not letting anyone push us around (though that is often negated by my people-pleasing) and Terrin does it by being "crazy" and ignoring societal pressures. I, on the other hand, want only to be acceptable in the eyes of my parents and the culture. Are most hosts like this?
C.

those of us who host regularly are trying to please people or at least to fit in without attracting attention. its their way of protecting us. to make sure that nobody looks too closely.

Thanks Annett I thought so.

ColouredLeaves wrote:Something occurs to me. There is a common thread between Heather and Terrin. Both are looking for ways to be free of oppression. Heather does it by getting angry and not letting anyone push us around (though that is often negated by my people-pleasing) and Terrin does it by being "crazy" and ignoring societal pressures. I, on the other hand, want only to be acceptable in the eyes of my parents and the culture. Are most hosts like this?
C.

When I was a teen I had a "crazy" persona. I poked several holes in my ears with safety pins and wore them. I punched lockers and drew and talked about gross/morbid things. I thought, "If people think I'm crazy then they won't mess with me." This persona was kind of a collaborative effort. The people-pleasing front was not present at the time.

The two instincts, to approach another or to push them away, suppress each other. You cannot do both at the same time. But when a child doesn't know whether to approach or fear the parent, the paradox fractures the mind. The host and protector come from opposing instinctive strategies to deal with the fear and uncertainty. The host takes a strategy of trying to get along or placate others. The protector takes a strategy of pushing back.

You are so wise, myce!
C.