New Here and Need help for Boyfriend with DID

Hi. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. He suffered terrible abuse throughout his childhood and into adulthood. During the time we have been together, he has told me about losing time. A few months ago, I witnessed it for myself during a disagreement. He became extremely calm all of a sudden and didn't know what was going on. I got scared and upset and told him that we had been arguing. At this point, he changed into a child.

Then I realized that he has DID. When he switched back to his main personality, I told him what happened. He had no idea that he has DID. He thought it was just blackouts all these years. Since then, I have seen him switch several times, usually when he thinks he is "in trouble", ie his boss talking to him about a problem at work, social situations where he feels judged, etc. His child alter only showed to me that one time. The usual alter says he has the same name and age as my boyfriend, but his personality is very different than his usual one. He is usually brusque (no filter) and can be abrasive.

This alter is extremely calm and timid, and is visibly scared when he appears, as he has no idea what is going on and that he is an alter. I usually talk calmly to him and hug him, then he "falls asleep for a second" and switches back to the boyfriend I have known for three years. I don't know how to address this alter. He asks where we are and how did he get here and what happened. He is visibly confused and upset. I can only imagine. He doesn't know that he is an alter. What do I say/do in this situation? My boyfriend does not have the money for professional therapy. I love him and want him to be safe and happy. Please excuse any faux pas I may have made in this posting. I am very new to this and not sure what is appropriate in terms of descriptions/questions. Thanks.

First off, I think it's fantastic that you are supportive of him and want to work out how to help. Also, it's fantastic to see how open you are to learning about the condition and work out appropriate ways to talk about it. He is lucky to have someone like you to put that much consideration into this situation. Lots of people find it strange and just want to run the other way.

The calm, timid and scared looking alter that you don't know how to address... You could just ask. e.g. "You seem little different at the moment, do you have a way you want me to address you when you are like this?" said with a little bit of playfulness so that it doesn't seem threatening might do the trick. Not everyone with DID has parts (I prefer this term to "alters" personally but "alters" is commonly used) with names so he might not (presuming this part is a "he") have a name to address him. You could ask how old he feels for instance or any other questions that help you get to know this part better that don't lead to being too confronting. Like you probably don't want to say "what's your name right now?" because some parts might be essentially letting that alter out to interact with you, but they might not be comfortable for that to happen if they think you are going to "let the secret out" so to speak about the DID, because there is a reason for dissociative splitting, and if the person is not ready for all the knowledge of all the parts (and all the abuse and memories they contain) then telling the person about their DID (or letting on) will threaten that.

Ultimately, just try to get to know them all a bit. What foods do they like? What are their favourite activities? Do they have strong opinions about intimacy? It's kind of like gradually getting to know anyone really.

It's not your responsibility to provide a therapy for them but getting to know them all is polite and respectful. Particularly on any issues that might relate to how you are interacting with them.

I don't know where this thread was originally, but may I suggest moving it to the DID Forum?

Thanks for the replies. I orthogonal did post in the DID forum, but when i got the link after the topic was approved, i saw that it had been moved to the family forum.

I had posted this on the DID forum originally, but when the topic got approved, I found it here.

Both of the alters I have encountered say they are him. ..same name. The adult one is the same name and age as my boyfriend, but acts more naive and shy. It seems like this one has no idea at all that he is an alter. He can't understand where he goes when he's"asleep" (in his main personality). He saw a picture with him in it and got upset because he had no idea how he could be in a picture that he didn't remember being awake for.

Is it common for alters not to know they are alters? I'm afraid this shy one may see more evidence of his main personality (photos,etc), and be damaged psychologically by this realization,or possibly stay in this altered state permanently.

Anyone have a similar experience with an alter like this?