Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

We here are very happy to hear that the Bees are on the mend and that your sweet daughter is too. Thank you so much for the update!

hi yall.

it's been a while I guess. it doesnt feel that way... but I guess we all know how that goes sometimes....

it's been a long, rough year. we have remained stable through our usual teamwork. the body keeps getting hit with injuries and we are trying to roll with the punches.

kid is almost 13 and we go to lots of doctors. she has a pediatrician, and a neurologist for her epilepsy. she has POTS so that's cardiology. a therapist and a psychiatrist. and now a rheumatologist for hypermobility of joints. covid flipped some sort of genetic switch and she started having a lot of psych symptoms.

I tried dating for a while but ugh. so I just hired all the people. I have a cleaning service and a personal assistant who comes twice a week. she runs errands, cleans up, helps with the pets, takes kiddo places and gallavants. she has a rehab background and is familiar with dementia patients.

I have pretty severe vestibular dysfunction from the neuronitis and brain injuries. I got so old. but its ok.

**trigger warning*** (suicide)
I know I wont do anything but sometimes I wish I was just allowed to die. I know I'm not. damn I am tired though. and I'm really tired of being trapped in a body that hurts and a brain that's dying, but ###$ it. you get what you get. so I set a goal. and I'm just not allowed to die for another decade or so
****end TW*****

I am slowly learning to ask for and accept help here and there.

I have kept my job for FIVE YEARS! I am so proud of us. we got in a tight spot again with discrimination for medical leave but successfully zagged away from that toxic $#%^ and moved to another department. they work the $#%^ out of us. but the bills are paid and we have insurance. my new boss is two thimbs up!

I am focused on my kid 100%. making sure she has the support she needs. making sure we make memories. I still plan trips and adventures but sometimes she does them with other people who are able. and sometimes we both go but I need a chaperone now. mostly cause of the driving and getting dizzy.

it's such a weird dichotomy. I hide behind my computer at work and no one really knows that I just hire everyone to do everything else now. but it's a lot easier this way.

the terrible illness we went through was in our brain and I dont think we've been talking much. just a whole lot of endure and survive going on.

I am ######6 tired of enduring and surviving.
and I am proud of myself for enduring and surviving.

I've learned to live with some of my motor deficits. I'm working on the aphasia and dysphagia but it's hard and worse at night I am growing down and kiddo is growing up.

I am trying to last as long as I can. I feel like a $#%^ mother and an imposter at work and I just want to ######6 rest. but there is no rest for the weary...

I think we are waking up and I hope we stay stable.

little bees say hello to our friends!!!! we missed you!!! did you grow up while we was gone? we did not grow up but we changed our minds and dont want to grow up anymore. we just stay inside. outside is hurting a lot. but it's not so bad when we get our neck shots. then maybe we watch cartoons. but we dont really like going outside no more really. body hurts a lot.

& Oh WOW havent seen you around in a while! We're glad to have some news!

& It is a good thing that you managed to hire people to help you around the house! It is amazing news!

& You are doing so great! Even if it feels rough and you are tired, you are doing so good helping your daughter, keeping up with your life, keeping a good job with a nice boss.

& You are absolutely NOT an imposter at work, nor a bad mother. You are a nice person who does her best all the time, does all she can for her kid, and focuses on her work. All the while dealing with more health issues than most people. So, of course you are tired. You have been strong for such a long time!

& And you know what? YOU ROCK!

& Hello to the little bees! Sending moral support your way. It's not fun to have a painful body. Happy to hear you can enjoy some cartoons once in a while!

__
Urielle

Hi little bees!!!

We missed you and we didn't grow up and didn't forget you or anything. Sorry your body hurts and hope it gets better soon so you can play. We are so happy you came back!

Evan

So happy to see you back, BeccaBee. We've wondered how you were doing.

You are the most badass person we know!

You are doing an amazing job of managing everything--that's a huge amount and you're keeping your kid front and center where she should be.

Hello to the little bees!! Staying inside is good if it hurts on the outside.

--the Gang

hi i am sorry you have to endure so many things, i think you sound like you have found a system that is working and that is great to hear.

Bees!!!!!!

We sure have missed you.

So sorry that you're struggling with so much. We're sending you positive energy, as always, and hope to see you here whenever you're able.

MDs

Little Bees!!!!!

Hi! I have thinking you. Sorry you can't go to beach no more flying bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz or backswards zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzb, but cartoons I like too. Cartoons are nice and anime Totoro. I missing you lots.

I don't grow up. Being small boy is easier, being big boy is hard. But I have a dad now inside, that's better to growing up. I'm all happy now, not lot of sad, just sometimes. Hopes you are not lot of sad.

LEON

friends. is little b.

sorry gone long time but need help important please old friends.

there is a baby waked up inside and has no words.

my therapist make BIG MISTAKE. and wake up hurt baby is crying a lot.

I don't how to fix babies is crying and sad and hurt. I watch dear little ones on you tube. my bigs is not good. thank you friends. how to make the baby feel safe again.

therapist crack seal on memory vault. we gonna do the memories. but the baby just wake up with all feelings and no words. i think it might be many babies. I don't know. better make nursery in castle. I ask Aelen for help. maybe she come.

little bees is littler than I thought. baby is scared and has no words. I try to sing to baby bees. they only see bad man's face. I don't know what to do.

I had to make a new name because I could not get the old name to work for log in to talk to friends again. I miss you and care about you old friends. this problem is ONLY FOR BIG FRIENDS. if you are little like me it is ok. the bigs will help with the babies. babies is not for us. ok.

love friends. thank you ♡♡♡ it really is me lil b but the passwords did not work. so I am beccabee3. but same beccabee. no job now. my brother come help. my daughter is OK.

how to take care of sad babies on inside with no words.

thanks for helping friends.

hey to all the Bees,
it is good to hear from you. just really sad that it is because it is so difficult right now.

A standard approach is to try to create a safe space around the babies. Like creating the nursery. But making sure it has nice sensory things for them to notice like maybe interesting lights or a nice smell, soft things to touch, sounds or a tune in the background etc. and to make sure that the evil faces stay outside.

In some cases it helps to rescue the babies from the evil faces by stepping in and somehow stopping them and then taking the babies to the nursery where they are safe. So that they can know that they are in a different place now and the evil faces are truly gone.

We like an exercise done with hands where the part with a bad experience moves into one hand and then we can hold them with our other hand. they might end up holding very tight when they notice that there is someone there to help. Doing it in a tangible way can often get through to kids that have no words yet and who are very stuck in memories. If babies can't move then maybe they can be more tangible where ever they are in the body and we could pay special attention to that area by keeping it warm or resting a hand there.

we have a sleeping room inside with lots of beds where kids and grown ups can go to sleep an unconscious sleep without dreams. It is a good room to have when babies wake up before it is time to wake up. But they probably need to know it is safe to sleep before they can go back to sleep...

the hardest step in the whole process can be to help a baby in a flashback+ stress response to notice the world around it and what is happening now. Sometimes nice sensory things in the outside world can help them, if they notice them. And sometimes other alters can go to them and show them. And sometimes it seems like nothing gets through to them and then the system has to invent something like a helper or messenger of some kind, something or someone who does get through and catches the attention and distracts it away from memories and towards the present where nothing scary is happening to them. Not like it used to. A helper like that could be more like wind or a kind spirit or a special light, whatever can get through to them and doesn't need words to explain things. more like a language of sensation and emotional impressions that crosses the dissociative boundary into their reality. But if that is necessary you need to make sure it is an imaginary helper you just invented and not another alter. Crossing borders like that isn't good when alters do it so early or in such a difficult situation.

I think this is the best advice we have. take care little b. and good luck. keep us posted if that is possible.