Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

Just sending some big hugs and millions of flowers for you all!!

All I can say is I've been right where you were when you wrote those words, maybe where you are now reading again. It's based on horrible thoughts and emotions and it will pass, which you know intellectually, but that doesn't make it any less painful in the moment. We wish you well Bees and wish we could reach out and make it all better.

Sometimes our experience is that life just sux. And then, maybe days later, sometimes literally minutes later, it doesn't.

ENDURE AND SURVIVE.

we are here. so host just tapped out last night. like done. we finished typing that post and we were weeping with despair and she just said "I give up" three times and went away. like she was slipping under water all relaxed.

today we sold the car. it is sad. but smart.

yesterday was a terrible awful day for many reasons. we did have the EEG on which made us very agitated. then our daughter misbehave very bad and put herself in danger. she take walk in neighborhood without tell me. without permission. without her phone. without know her way around and by herself is big no no because epilepsy. so we did have to give her consequence and teach her. it made me very scared when I was worried about her. one minute she plays in yard. next time she gone. she think she very frowny but she only 11. dont want upsets nobody but we did spank her. her very hard headed and stubborn. her had to know this big thing. only ever before we beat her is running in parking lot when she little. she did know and understand but we very much dont like to punish hers at all. and feel awful for did spank her. but know she have to learn hard way.

and tafkar did fuss us for nothing. whenever he feel guilty for being bad he fuss at us. he always be that way. but because we is already agitated EEG and our voice all squeaky and soft and no work. we cannot even stand up ourselves. and him is a grumpy asshole. and he bitching because he dont want take daughter to doctors appointment.

and we sad about sell our car. was many emotions. and we feel helpless about the brain dying and us growing down. we even has hard time dressing and stuff. hard time eating. we is scared we already have dementia.

pffft. then we wonder if we DID at all or just have dementia then we think duh. you know you has DID customer you keep proof on internet where nobody can take away or hide.

anyway. many things make us sad. including worry about money and house repairs and how we cannot do many things. like walk or talk or eat or song or dance or laugh or have fun or go outs. all we do is work and then rest again so we go back work. and we squeeze out extra energy for love the daughter everyday. everyday have talk about day. every day have lots of hugs. every day tell her I love her. AND EVERY DAY BUTT HEAD WITH HER HARDHEADED STUBBORN THING IS BEING LIKE TEENAGER AND ONLY ELEVEN. and she moody too. be all mad and grumpy no reason. stomp around and be sassy. it make us so tired but we have to be good mom.

and sometimes we get so tired. but we chin up again now.

we did sell the car and that is get back on top. no more hole. that is less stress. less stress make us get better. we smart. have to trust us get through this.

sometimes we hope we is get better. very very slow. we get better so slow we almost cannot tell. but even with my horrible, horrible cold. I am still a little bit better now than six weeks ago. I'm not gonna give up. build stamina. take good care of body and brain. do have dementia testing 11/11. will know more then. and brother gonna come in a year or so.

it be okay. but we no give up. always endure and survive.

we sorry we write bad things on the board and hope we do not scare anyone. we ready everything you say and it all makes sense to us and we glad you care enough for write us when we need know we have friends.

yesterday was a really awful day. and host did go away. I think we out of hosts. I dont know. maybe roger gonna do something for fix it. but somebody had to go to the work cave on monday. maybe an old host who has been hibernate long time can wake up amd take a turn.

no. uh oh booboo. not rose. no you not allowed anymore. roger say no too. you only allowed out at home. for safety you know. we love you. you vivacious and wonderful but world more dangerous than you know. its safety. no old one like B or RT or Texas. maybe they wake up. all wake up AMD take turns is good idea I think. oh me is coming now. that's good. good time for that. but no big changes like you do. we already sell the car. money fixed already.

anyway I was trying to say thank you for my friends not let us bees down. bees in grave jeapordy. need strength, luck, faith, courage, tenacity, and perseverance for make it! no give up now. endure and survive. all the bees know. OPERATION AUTUMN EQIUNOX 2020.

I finally named my new car.

Pearl

it suits her.

$#%^ has been wide the ###$ open since the EEG day. I threw down with TAFKAR. host tapped out.

today, I got my ass massively chewed the ###$ out. boss was like super pissed and threatening to take me to HR. it's a long ######6 story but it's mostly work politics #######4. There's a new narcissist coworker trying to scapegoat me. anyway by the grace of god I navigated those tricky waters and got her down off the ledge but sweet mercy...my boss is a very unhappy person right now. I feel bad for what she is going through. and this new bitch at work is a force of ######6 nature. I have a rough row to hoe. #####&.

anyway. spoons are running low. mandatory rest night.

but excited about getting my command center up on the hallway wall. and getting my decals on my car. (fun fact- that's my memory trick to help me find my car. white car - same stickers, 10 years and counting!)

I feel like I missed something. Are you allowed to drive now?

not really. but I do what I want.

so long story short my vestibular system hasn't really recovered enough for me to drive safely for any time or distance. or in difficult conditions like rain, night, rush hour, high glare, etc. I also have motor symptoms that worsen with fatigue which makes driving a bit more tricky.

soooo..... I found a ride to work and back every day. but I didn't want to give up my independence of going around the corner to the grocery store where I pick up my online grocery order. in that shopping center I can also access -- hair, nails, postal services, a gift shop, prescriptions, and an ATM. I mean that's a lot of stuff!!! so....I had this dilemma of keeping on with a car payment just to drive around the block once or twice a week. when I'm already shelling out for rides and thank yous and $#%^. so my biological father, long estranged - now widowed and alone - who I keep at more than arms length - well he had one of those tiny two seater cars. called a smart car that he has been wanting to give me. so I decided to sell my nicer, newer car for the older tiny car to help with the finances after being on disability pay for half a year and all the medical Bill's and losing my savings, etc.

and to try to not feel bad about having a weird little gross hand me down I decided to throw a little money on getting her well serviced. so she's got new fluids and filters and tires. and I got her steam cleaned and detailed. the last thing is getting plates. or registering or whatever the hell it's called. making it legal.

so basically I'm doing greatly restricted driving. but, im hopeful that I will continue to recover with time. i need to build my stamina and tolerance to driving. maybe this month I can drive 2 blocks. and next month 3 blocks. and next year maybe 30 minutes or so. I'd like to get up to 2 hours that will get me to the beach. but I may never drive on highways again. not a big deal here. plenty of country roads you can cruise and take about the same amount of time.

well actually theres one more step... decorating!!! in truth though getting her steam cleaned and detailed was so worth it! the guys really worked with me and cut me a great deal. and it got the dad grossness off. for super real!! especially changing the air filters and getting the chlorine odor treatment. I'm still waiting on some girly seat covers from a slow amazon package.... but I've got the rest of my dress up

and I had a hard time naming her. but now i love her name. Pearl. i always name my cars.

Hi BeccaBee,

Sorry you've been having those troubles with work, we hope things will settle down now that the boss lady knows who the real troublemaker is.

Sounds like you have a plan with the car, that's kinda neat how you name them and all. I think those smartcars are pretty good on gas and stuff too?

And when you said about always having the same stickers and stuff, that made us think, we always have unusual antennas on ours to make it stand out in the parking lot, lol.

V1

About the smart-car....well, as long as you stay safe, BeccaBee.

We could never drive a car that small. Or even ride in one. It would feel too confining, even though we're only 5'2" and 120 lbs. One time Brother #2 rented a Fiat 500, and we told him, "I'm not getting in that thing."

We hope the situation at work calms down. Good for you for navigating it well.

MDs

yeah. it does not feel safe. the smart car. but it will be an ok car to use to build tolerance and stamina to driving again. I'm hoping to purchase a newer vehicle maybe late 2020. i dream of a Subaru but i would happily purchase another kia soul. i was very pleased with the comfort, features, versatility, and affordability of the car. and i like the idea of treating myself to "new" car when i am fully recovered. as opposed to resenting the payment on one sitting in the driveway going to rust.

I stopped by to say we have a phone call date in the calendar. I think rose is out. this makes us nervous.

bees are struggling but life is staying stable-ish. the vehicle sale has been disruptive. very concerned about this phone call potential date thing. i dont like it.

i did cute up my smart car. i have my vinyl on now and that helps it feel like mine.

I'm still struggling. I'm still recovering. and I'm still here.

because the bees. we endure and survive. more bigs seem to be around now. but rose being out and dating is really alarming. she has sex. wonderful passionate sex. but that's against the rules and we dont want her meeting men.

rose and Becky vote for partner. the 30 others of us dont. rose and Becky say that isn't fair we have to be alone. RT and Roger no like at all! big danger is dating and men. Big B undecided. her say have a man for help is good. have a man who drag you down bad. ok of he ok.
him seem to really like us. but us never trust nobody. except rose who does always trust liars and criminals and thieves.

we got problems. the bees.

BUT I DONT KNOW IF I TELL YOU WE CAN WALK AGAIN!!!!!!

thursday 2pm brain click back like magic. no more stick. still hard for turn corners. still hard too much motion. but dont need stick no more!!! can walk and turn my head at the the same time!

~☆~☆~☆~☆~
MIRACLES & GLITTERBOMBS!!!
~☆~☆~☆~☆~

Good luck for solving the dating thing, it sounds like a tough problem for you all.

--Zami--

But, yay you lil bees!! U CAN WALK AGAIN IS MIRACLE WHEEEEEEEE

SUCH WALK
MUCH HAPPINESS

SO MOBILITY
WOW

~ Theia ~