Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

Hey BeccaBee,

That sounds like a good plan. Sorry you gotta skip going to the dinner but it sounds like its got too many ways to make things difficult.

Congrats on the walk and stuff, we hope you're getting the stamina back up and stuff. But don't push too hard, don't wanna overdo things.

We're thinking of you, you're our friend.

Viola

just to sum up - I am starting to get stamina back. all testing confirms problems are from trauma to brain and spinal cord. old injuries coming back to haunt me. I am recovering my balance and now have a rolly walker and handicap parking.

the father fell into a fire and was severely burned. I've been juggling his $#%^ long distance as much as possible. it has made me ######6 exhausted. and I am experiencing some identity alteration. Texas is out. I guess technically I would be Texas? that's what they named me anyways.

I reckon it's just cause I handle $#%^ that needs to be handled. I have been on the phone almost non stop for 3 days. I've just tidied my kitchen and changed the kitty litter. expecting a friend to stop by later with important papers and TAFKAR is sending some guys out to check the AC drainage under the house.

I told my brother my biggest problem now is money. he just said "Rohan will answer."

now I ask you, is he not the coolest #####& on the face of the earth or what?

I am going to take a shower and rest in bed soon. and I should be able to take a break from business affairs this weekend. hoping I am done with a lot of this #######4 for a while. made me ######6 tired.

Hey, Texas and the rest of the Bees,

Congrats to you for everything that you've done under such difficult circumstances. Your grit and determination go a long way.

Glad that TAKFAR is helping out. Hoping that things overall continue to get better for you.

MDs

Glad to hear your stamina overall is coming back. Sorry you had to deal with such a stressful situation, but it sounds like you did well. I am glad you will have time this weekend for some self care.

we are thinking of you and L is still praying for good recovery.
take good care

I guess what I'm really struggling with is the reality of my physical disability. I just keep ferociously believing I will recover. and I've got it all planned out....how I'm going to go back to work and get a housekeeper and go to tai chi classes down the street. and I'll just keep getting healthier and healthier and I'll be happy and beautiful and successful.

I am not losing the stamina I gained. I am in a good place of reasonably happy toddling around my house. I can dress myself. feed myself. spend some time with the kid. drive a couple blocks to get groceries. even get them in the house and put them away.

but I am still maxed out at walking six blocks. I am still maxed out at 90 minutes of anything. I can't travel far or really function well when I leave home. I am very fatigued. easily confused. still napping frequently. my brain can only do one thing at a time. I'm having trouble dressing appropriately. I will forget panties or put on my nightgown when it's daytime. and then I will be confused about what's wrong..... reading is difficult. planning and decision making are difficult. I still get the weird twitching and $#%^ when I'm tired.

I have an appt with a new physio/rehab guy. he works with older patients. stroke, Parkinson's, etc. hoping he can help me. almost face planted this morning even using my walker.

I know I have the determination to heal. I know I WANT to be able to work and return to my job and my income. I would rather be ABLE to work and not be poor and disabled. but I don't know if my dreams are realistic or just a fantasy. I haven't seen much gain in the last few weeks. maybe my gains are just handling this $#%^ with the father's traumatic burn injuries and rehab/recovery.

all that flies in with mother guilt. which is the best for kid? for us to be poor on disability but every ounce of energy I have goes into our family and home. or for us to have money but every ounce of energy is devoted to work? then home and family suffers. I want her to have financial and emotional security.

in the end I accept that I am powerless to dictate if I will be ABLED. or DISABLED when my leave expires. if I am abled, I return to work and my regularly scheduled life. if I am disabled it's down another rabbit hole entirely.

2019 has been very unexpected.

I won't even pretend to understand or remember my life but I got one great thing out of my ###$ up family. and that's my little brother. not so little now.

he's the one person that I can like really really talk to. back in the day I was always saving his ass. and now he is saving mine.

I honestly don't know what the ###$ I would do without my bro.

interesting convo today. I was sitting on the couch and I guess I was in la la land. because all the sudden I'm saying "urgent, urgent". and then I hear myself talking like out loud and realize it's a message from the inside. and it was about the body.

I was cold. I was thirsty. my throat was scratchy and burning. and I really had to pee. I took care of the other things and hoped in a hot shower to warm up and talked to somebody who seemed young but was super aware of the body.

I guess it just gives me hope that this the beginning of awareness of my body.

my hand strength is continuing to build. walking I am still very wobbly and clumsy when I get tired. driving is better every two weeks or so I can do more distance. the big struggle is using the computer. I'm just doing thirty minutes a day now. on Thursday I will go up to 30 minutes twice a day and then I will build time. just a few more weeks until I have to be capable of doing my job. its gonna be a close shave.

weight loss has stabilized and I'm just focused on healing. quality diet. exercise. build stamina.

still having trouble thinking and talking. still mixing up opposites. but I think that will improve with time. it seems like I can't build the higher level functions without having the basics sorted. I feel like I would benefit from some speech therapy down the line. but I've got more than enough to chew right now.

Good to hear from you. I'm glad things are improving.

You're smart and brave. You can do this.

Colin