Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

thank you all kindly.

maybe this belief I have that I am broken beyond repair is why I don't go to therapy.

it's weird how I can simultaneously hold such a high opinion of myself and also have like zero self worth.

cognitive dissonance like a mother #####& up in here

I'm going to work more on loving myself. if I can figure out how.

I realize to some extent that may have been a riff. Still, the one strength those of us with DID have is flexible and creative minds. Imagine being your daughter for a few moments, then see you through her eyes.

You are loved, therefore you're lovable. Many broken people are.

being broken AND loveable at the same time. makes more sense to me than not feeling broken. or understanding that I can be broken AND awesome at the same time.

I think in the end here I have some victories.

1. I have feelings. I feel them and that's ok.
2. I've made a quality decision about any action (or lack of action) I wish to take.
3. I am accepting the uncomfortable situation. the cognitive dissonance. the unfamiliar. and just letting that be ok for now.

and.....everything eventually comes out in the wash anyway. what will be will be.

most important thing is getting my health back.

thanks to everybody for helping me come to terms with this. I will surely update you if there be news.

yeah. there's news.

we do NOT all like him. wtf is this $#%^?

######6 not.

I'm not saying he's a bad person. I'm just saying it never. ever. ever. ever ends well. never ever. so just don't. okay? just don't. like.... be friends or whatever. but let all that other $#%^ go. it's okay to get all sick and get scared about being alone and not having anybody. but it's not a reason to have feelings for somebody just because of proximity. it's the same reason there's a rebound rule. cuz you just aren't thinkng straight.

so remember that I'm here to help you. and show you boundaries. and there's a line here we don't need to cross. we can't always control our feelings but we can control our behavior. and kudos to you for doing a good job! seriously. well done. so just keep it up. keep the behavior in check and don't force anything. I love us and I love you, but seriously we are a damn mess. and we gotta like love ourselves and fix ourselves and all that $#%^.

I mean come on! we both know that eventually, eventually! every single #####& on the face of this planet gets on our damn nerves. and this one will too. promise. xx

Zahra

Hi Zahra,

Yeah, we hear you. It's good that you're talking about this, because then your others know that it's not as simple as it first seemed.

Situation normal for us multiple folks. The different POVs balance each other out and help us make the best decision for the group as a whole.

MDs

Hi Zahra!
I'm glad you also expressed your point of view. We ALL deserve to be heard!!

still disabled and out of work. 90% homebound.

but I'm not giving up. I want to go back to my job. and my great salary. and land that awesome fella and have a full, happy life.

my hand tremor is driving me nuts!!!!

Hi BeccaBee,

Good on you for keeping up that fighting spirit! We're thinking about you.

We hope the hand tremor goes away.

V2

Thinking of you and rooting for you!
Anytime you want to gush about that fella, we're happy to hear about it!

there is a group dinner at his house tomorrow but I think I might skip it.

it will be evening and dinner will be the focus so I won't be at my best and I will have to not eat a lot of the foods and that hurts people's feelings.

I just don't think it's a good opportunity to shine and I would rather him miss me then go and make an idiot of myself getting vertigo again.

I can see him next time. I like him. I just want to be better. I don't want him to see me weak. and I will be weak if I try to go. too many challenges. even his table is high, pub style. just sitting on the high stools at the table will be exhausting. I won't be able to eat. and because it's nighttime I will get all brain foggy and lose track of the convos and look stupid. maybe get dizzy again.... earlier is better. and sitting on couches.

plus I have accepted so many invites. it will be good for him to miss me for a change, right?

today I walk 4 blocks. then I take a nap. I will try to eat sometime maybe tomorrow. haven't set up yet. hope I'm okay after the walk. really need some stamina to get better.