Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

BeccaBee wrote:I don't have to fight anymore. I can just live. I made it. I survived. it's over. I beat the game. I made it. I won. I can choose a new game. I can pick a new class. I can do anything I want.

I absolutely love the way you've put this, all the various ways to convey the same message back to yourselves. It's a great message for most of us here. Thanks!

I am still trying to figure out what's wrong with me. still recovering very slowly. walking with a cane. puking, dizzy, fatigued etc.

starting to get nervous about paperwork and disability leave and stuff. it looks I will need another extension and that fills me with dread. I am starting to wonder if I will ever get better and how.

I am very concerned and want to heal. deep down I am worried it might be ME (myalgic encephalomyelitis). I don't have the excruciating muscle pain but I see people like me. with glasses and ear plugs and noise cancelling headphones. walking with canes. struggling to talk. and their life is ruled by energy levels and resting and pacing. this is my life. here are people facing what I am facing. struggling how I am struggling. does that make me like them? my history fits. but there is so much overlap with all these. I know I am narrowing down to some undetermined physiological neurosomething or another.

I found someone who runs a support group since there are hardly any doctors. she gave me some good advice. I am going to try to get back on my supplements now that I am reliably keeping solid downs.

I don't know the future of my health. and so much hinges on that.

Dear Bees,

Still reading. Still hearing you. Still sending good thoughts.

MDs

Rooting for you. You can do the paperwork stuff--don't stress over that. You need and deserve it.

Sending positive energy.

thanks guys. not the best news at my rehab appt. I have been too sick to do the rehab so she put me on pause for a few weeks. said I need to get better before we can work on rehab.

only nobody is treating me anymore so how will I get better? will be on pins and needles until disability is continued. if it's not I will show up to work until I die or get fired. is there another option?

I'm kind of ready for thuis struggle to be over. not sad. not suicidal.

just.....OVER IT.

however......remembering back to my last crash I thought I was only down for three months. but actually I was out of commission from Nov 7 thru to mid April. and I am actually sicker than last time.

well.....I certainly have egg on my face. I walked that exhaustion line. I knew better. y all warned me. birdsong emphatically ######6 warned me and I still carried on like the persistent, tenacious, and stubborn asshole that I am. I flirted with disaster and now I'm sitting smack dab in the middle of a big ole pile of $#%^.

hindsight is 20/20 but I feel so dumb. I never should have bought the house and moved when I was already so exhausted....then a big project at work..... and that was all it took. just like last time. hit my deadline and ######6 collapsed.

from now on I'm going to start taking care of myself like someone I love. I'm not sure I realized what that meant until just now. I would never LET someone I love work themselves to death. but I forced myself to do that. shamed and guilted myself into this. in all fairness I broke down 11/28. I just somehow managed to push through and fake it until 01/29 when all hell broke loose.

what scares me is that last time.....I never fully recovered. I just changed my lifestyle to accomodate my new stamina levels. if I don't recover to the point I was at before I won't be able to continue working full time. so I am worried if I will make a full and complete recovery. or like before, only a partial recovery.

and doing it without medical care now apparently....well I am exaggerating. I am going back to my GP next week. and neurologist a few weeks after that. it's just that no one can treat me or help me recover.

trying to get appointments with two other docs around. one is my shaman guy from back in the day. and one is a holistic naturopath who is real MD. she has to review your records and decide if she will take your case or not.

ENDURE AND SURVIVE

Hi BeccaBee,

We're thinking of you. Hope you get the disability sorted out, and things go well with the other docs.

Arin & the others

I am sorry it came to this. But looking back doesn't get you into the future. I know you have managed breakdowns before and I am confident that you will find a way to figure all of this out and make it work somehow.
L&Asti

still no word on my disability leave. my return to work date is Monday but I can't return to work without medical clearance - which I don't have. so tomorrow I need some answers.

waiting on two months of child support..........trying to keep everything on and still buy groceries is tough. things are really getting tight. glad I had a little cushion or I would already have been screwed.

the financial stress and will I be able to keep my job stress are wearing on me. it's harder to recover. I think I might need to apply for permanent disability but I can't focus/think enough to do it.

but through it all I am really just trying to stay calm and patient and peaceful. and keep my hope up. my faith. my belief in my own resiliency.

also. the father has another mass. silver lined blessing - I am too ill to be the support person at the hospital. he has another surgery coming up.

I believe the rest and supplements are helping but I am still not where I was before that stupid walk that did me in. I am tottering on a precipice of uncertainty. but, the wind will blow. the sun will shine. the crops will come in and the leaves will fall. and the sky will turn cold and grey. and then the flowers will bloom again. and I will still be enduring and surviving. someway. somehow.

I got a book with some good info and i am going to try some of the recovery suggestions in there. and I'm holding strong on fluids and nutrition. 90oz of water and almost 800cal of solid food a day!

We're thinking about you BeccaBee. Hope things work out with the disability leave.

Viola

VioletFlux wrote:We're thinking about you BeccaBee. Hope things work out with the disability leave.

Viola

Ditto. And we're amazed about drinking 90 ounces of water in one day.

MDs