Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

we had a prescriber psychdoc who really didn't get involved in therapy issues but he listened and took notes. after 3 years our file was a foot thick. from notes taken. because he actually monitored what was going on. your doc is $#%^
if he can't acknowledge a dx.... that is a reason not to go back ever.
I hope you can find the help you need.
I am thinking of you. all this... it surprised me hard. I didn't expect it to be lasting. I was hoping that it's all like a cold that is nasty but it goes away.
there is little I can do and I wish it was otherwise. so I pray and hope that your path becomes clear.

Hi Bees

Not sure what those specialists were assigned to you for, but sure about one thing: they're meant to listen to you completely; take relevant notes so that they and their colleagues can provide you with detailed, informed continuity of care; take full cognizance of any and all causes of current symptoms; etc.

For any health care professional to 'not care what caused it' is a dereliction of their duty. Even when we were treating patients on the road for 15 - 45 minutes, we still tried to get a full history - it was often the only way to make an accurate diagnosis.

I'm astounded at your bad treatment and empathise with your frustration.

Be careful... LTLTR
(P.S. It was fantastic to hear from the Little Bees - thank you.)

That guy is a ######6 idiot and you deserve so much better. He's hiding the fact that he has very limited knowledge, and can only handle very simple problems. I don't know exactly what the training is for an NP, but it's MUCH less than for a psychiatrist, so at least maybe you can start with someone more educated (no guarantee of good care, as many can attest to, but at least you're starting with a higher bar). I hope you can find a specialist--I'm sure one exists.

Rooting for you.

thank you. i think you hit the nail on the head. he didn't have time to Google it, felt out on the spot and got all assholey on me.

LTLTR. thank you. it's so good to hear from you. the little bees send lots of love ♡♡♡♡♡♡ they just told me that's not enough hearts so ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

I really wrestled with if I want to share this. but my daughter has never commented on any identity alteration until recently:

early this morning I thought I heard her get up but she didn't come into the den to say hello. i thought maybe she went to the bathroom and all was quiet for about 45 minutes. my dog who is the BEST. was giving an alert for the backyard. and it was unusual. she never growls. so I got up from the farthest end of the house and stopped in the hallway outside her bedroom and said, "Kid. what is your location?" she came out of the en suite and said, "here,why". and I said something like I'm going to check the back door stay here.

it was only a stray dog but later the daughter said something about how I always call her kid when I talk in my 'army general' voice. she seemed mildly amused like it is a silly quirk. i asked when else she heard my army general voice and she said usually at night when I am going around locking the doors she hears me say, "back, side, front, kid, dog, cat, yes, okay."

I know I'm a good mom. i love her, and teach her and listen to her and I never hurt her but I give her firm boundaries and some chores. i just hate to see my alteration affect her in even the slightest way. i assume she is talking about Roger. it caught me off guard.....i just told her that when I talk like that it's because I am thinking about safety. and it's important for her to listen well when I use that voice, and do what I say.

she is observant. but I damn sure don't want to tell her. I'm not sure there is any good way to ever tell your kid that. i really didn't even really want to share this. but I committed to brutal honesty in this thread.

fwiw. i think my alteration has been higher due to illness. and I am recovering. i walked yesterday. made it three houses without my stick. i am going to drive tomorrow.

Hi,

We are glad you are doing better.

And we think that maybe the outside girl just noticed your Roger voice but isn't scared of him or anything like that. And doesn't thing anything is wrong about it.

And maybe that the way you explained it is okay and you don't need to tell her anything else.

Lauranine (9) and Christine (8.5)

I think I just had this giant epiphany.

I have spent my WHOLE life fighting to survive. like seriously my WHOLE entire ######6 life. I've lived it as a fighter. and others have used that word so much to describe me. I live my life like a fighter. a warrior. because that's what I had to be. it was my pride, grit, and ruthless tenacity that made me survive. and beat the odds. I clawed my way out of the gutter and fought off the wolves. my brother says I am the queen of understatement. but when I say gutter I mean the destiny of poverty, violence, and abuse I landed in. and when I say wolves I mean all those #####& that will prey on young girls alone.

and when I couldn't fight my way out of a situation I grifted. and this mentality has become such an ingrained part of me. I didn't even realize that I had pretty much made it. i was still fighting. but I was just tilting at windmills.

I don't have to fight anymore. I can just live. I made it. I survived. it's over. I beat the game. I made it. I won. I can choose a new game. I can pick a new class. I can do anything I want.

I want to play piano and work in my garden and spend time with my daughter so she grows up free. I don't have to give her the entire world. Just a path and some good equipment. She will need to climb her own mountains.

I ######6 made it. I've had all these thoughts swimming around in my head about forgiveness and detachment. shame and guilt. letting go of old hurts and loving myself. I just didn't really get it til now. it's game over. but like game over in a good way. my twenties are gone and the dreams from my twenties are also gone. I am embracing a new future. and there is freedom in that.

let the new game begin

-- Mon Apr 15, 2019 8:54 am --

MakersDozn wrote:Hi,

We are glad you are doing better.

And we think that maybe the outside girl just noticed your Roger voice but isn't scared of him or anything like that. And doesn't thing anything is wrong about it.

And maybe that the way you explained it is okay and you don't need to tell her anything else.

Lauranine (9) and Christine (8.5)

Thank you very much. this means a lot to us. we really want to be a good mom. a great mom.

Wow, Beccabee, this is so big.

sending glitterbombs and cake!

You MADE IT!

That sounds wonderful BeccaBee! Congratulations! We're happy to hear that.

thank you fireheart and ponyta

Great insight, BeccaBee. You rock.

And thank you for what you said to our girls.

MDs