Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

Oh, these are those kind of things, when it would be nice to be able to say right things. But we are not those kind of people who can do that. We are better with saying things straight out than being poetic when something nasty happens. It's also a cultural thing, we don't talk much #######4 or small talk, but we are good with dealing all practical things just the way they are. It's just that we are so far away we don't know how they work where you are either.

So, what happens next? Is it all waiting for papers and sending in more papers? I think it's more than weird doctor didn't explain anything, but you need to google instead of having professional opinion. It's a big diagnosis. Do you have a social worker?

I can't know exactly what the doctor was thinking or why he delivered the news the way he did but I suspect the following

1. he was frustrated that no one at the practice had taken a proper TBI history on me and he was treating me while missing a MAJOR piece of information.

2. he said it casually and matter of factly because he knows that I am intelligent and well researched and probably didn't realize he was delivering shocking news.

3. when I was absolutely incredulous and shocked...the appointment was running over, he is seeing me next week. i think he just decided to give me some time to let it sink in.

this useful. by Friday I have will a second and third opinion. tomorrow is vestibular rehab, my PT may have worked with CTE patients. and the next day is psych. he is a nurse practitioner and we also have a very positive relationship. i value his opinion as well since the first two stages are almost completely cognitive changes. for record today's physician is a head and spine specialist so his opinion definately carries weight. board cert for MD and Psych. good, good doc.

I plan to recover my stamina and return to work for one more round. checkpoint set for October 2020. this gives me access to a 401k account which I will otherwise lose. and time to set my other affairs in order. make it to the checkpoint and move to disability. focus on being a wonderful parent to my daughter and giving her the best future possible and many wonderful memories. i can still complete my mission. she will be out of the home for the worst of it. and hopefully heart disease will take me out before I am put in a state home.

but I tell you all true. from the deepest, wholest, brightest part of the bees. if we complete the mission. and we raise the daughter with love and healthy attachment. and we catapult her out of poverty. then we change the destiny of each and every single life that springs from me. change her future. changes my grandchildren future and so on. i know I set a difficult task. no easy feat to change destiny. but I am already halfway there. and I will never give up until the chains that bound me are broken and I see her fly free.

and after that what happens to me for me doesn't matter. only that it doesn't affect her. i did have dreams but it's okay now. everything coalesced into the one and only absolute certainty in my life. i will save her. to my last ounce of energy and being. i will save her. and God will grant me the strength to do so.

Do any of the Bees do cyberhugs?

Charity, Mary, and others

LITTLE BEES HUGS!!!!!

we did not get any cool band aids at the doctors. even though we had a shot in each arm. and we didn't get a good band aid for our IV either. and we know all about how pretty band aids are now.... they can be sparkly and shiny or glow in the dark even... but they never give us a pretty one ever. i got a snoopy band aid when I got my stitches though. it was yellow and had snoopy on it. when we hit our head on the green bench.

big bees never do hugs. only when they like be mom they give hugs and cuddles and stuff to be good mom.

{{{{{{{{{{Little Bees}}}}}}}}}}



Charity and Mary

MakersDozn wrote:{{{{{{{{{{Little Bees}}}}}}}}}}



{{{{{{{{{Charity}}}}}}}}}} and {{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}}

we hug you back. and share your feelings. you not alone.

well my psych appointment did not go well. he just hemmed and hawed. when I pressed him he got pissy with me and basically said he doesn't care. that his only job is to prescribe medication to manage symptoms and he didn't care what caused the symptoms.

》》》》Well excuse the ###$ out of me for INQUIRING if my TBI history that you ######6 neglected to address just like every other ######6 clinician I have ever seen!!!!!!!! that this would perhaps impact my treatment? and no. he doesn't care what caused anything. he just said he won't give me CNS depressants anymore if the neurologist says I have this.

fwiw- in the past I have liked this guy but when I am not communicating clearly he gets frustrated with me. but I can't help that I am not communicating clearly and having somebody get loud and belligerent with me doesn't help me focus my thoughts or get back on track to whatever question it was you asked me.

the other thing that pisses me off is he questions my DID diagnosis every time I bring it up. he said his diagnosis for me was mood disorder unspecified. which was a shock to me. because I was pretty sure we talked about PTSD at my first appontment.

he kept bringing up depression. i said I am not depressed. why does everybody keep wanting to diagnose me with depression? and that seemed to piss him off. he said...you don't fit neatly into any category. sometimes you seem depressed. sometimes you seem completely different. and I was just like well my DID could present that way with identity alteration. and then he went down the whole and who diagnosed you with that again?

like $#%^ #####&. i do my own research project before I accept that $#%^. don't make me bring in my ######6 binder or direct you to this ######6 board. and I already told you every. single. mother. ######6. time. you ask me!!!!! who and how and when. maybe you should put it in.my chart so you won't forget?


for the record....

LITTLE BEES ARE MEGA ANGRY AT MR PSYCH GUY AND HE NEEDS HIS ATTITUDE ADJUSTED!!!!!

so neurologist just drops the bomb.
vestibular rehab talks me through prognosis thank God.
and psych dude tells me to suck it

the only positive thing I can say is that he was cognizant of copays and the number of appointments I am managing so in that way he was considerate.

but the way he has spoken to me the last few times on the phone. the way he was belligerent in this session and refused to have any comment on my condition. and just completely failed to offer any support or medical advice whatsoever. granted. i am not at my best now. but I really felt like I just got a ###$ if I care. not my job. see you next time. when is good for you?

he wouldn't talk about any of my other cognitive symptoms. only depression or anxiety. there is a lot more to it than that. but he said that was for my neurologist. my neurologist said he would only treat me for migraines. somebody has to treat recovery from brain injury and I am going to find them. i am tired of being told there is no treatment. there is!!!!!!!! there is just no pharma for it.

anyway. i hate to say it. but three strikes you're out. i will never ask him for help again.

Sorry to hear that. That's not cool.

If it was us....we would stop going to that guy too.

Sorry again to hear that. That wasn't right...how he treated all of you.

Hey BeccaBee,

That's some serious #######4. We friggin hate those guys. I don't know if your psych guy is a psychiatrist, but around here phsychiatrists are the ones who push pills, psychologists (and social workers) are the ones who do therapy.

And we friggin had it with psychiatrists. Previous host saw one for 'depression' like about 8 or 9 years ago, and he messed us up so bad we'll never trust another one again, and never go on their meds ever again.

I hope you can get help from someone better, cos you deserve it.

Viola

man I really really appreciate you guys replying. I'm so friggin' pissed still. i can tell it's going to be one of those things where it will just piss me off for a while and like every time I ever think of it. belligerent. he gets ######6 belligerent with me. i can't talk good. that's one of my ######6 problems you dick $#%^.

yes he is a prescriber. nurse practicioner. but I still thought he might have some insight or ######6 care. whew. the anger is fierce. the talking counselor therapist whatever is the 22nd or cancellation first.

I mean I know I'm going to vestibular rehab, but can that really be the only treatment? I guess I'm just frustrated I've been looking for answers for so long and trying to get help for so long. and now I have the answer but it just means I'm ###$.

oh. also. can I just say that I called this guy every week to update my treatment notes. and he didn't take any notes. about anything. none of my tests. nothing. not even the ER psych IVC screen. some of us are rolling our eyes. but some of us are MAD.

but some of us say i was pressing him for answers he couldn't give. but they are just such simple questions.

what do you think is wrong with me? and what can I do to get better?

isn't that what you are supposed to ask?

pretty soon I will reach the whatever I don't care about it. i guess what I am.the most mad about is neither the neurologist or the NP say they can help me. and that's a bitter pill.

the vestibular rehab therapist talked about my future in a very positive, adaptive way.

it's just there are 4 stages. and I want to find like a specialist or something. like I want to be monitored and treated. i don't understand why there is no referral or something if they can't treat it.

there is a brain injury center at the capital. travel would be difficult to manage. but this is just some #######4 I'm getting here. i don't even know anymore. I'm just going to hobble around on a cane, wear my migraine glasses, and noise cancelling headphones, and noseplugs every time I leave the house. with an emesis bag close to hand. ??

WHATEVER. INITIATE OPERATION AE2020.