Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

thank you all. your support really means a lot.

I think for USA I'm doing well. i am pretty lucky to have really, really good health insurance and disability benefits through my employer. nobody ever wants to go on disability and I certainly don't have savings to cover years of waiting.. but I am much better off. the anxiety is this grey area with my employer. i don't trust them. not that any person there is awful but corporate America is a greedy, merciless beast. and I know I have become a liability. and I don't trust anything more than the federally guaranteed 12 weeks. and that is once in a calendar year.

it's funny how we are still arguing about it. i am absolutely, unequivocably completely and totally UNABLE to work. big accomplishments include showering and sitting in the yard. but I am still bitching at myself - to get tough and get back in the saddle. my inner drill sergeant.

when i said I would talk to the doc - it made it sound like I was going to talk about disability. no. i am just going to focus on.my treatment. last night I had a BIG RED FLAG. dozing off to sleep and thought ""kids name" would be better off without me. and that's it. no ######6 way I'm staying on that med. way too close to suicidal thinking and I really don't play with that $#%^. doc is regularly filling out STD paperwork so maybe I should.

idk. it's all so overwhelming when you feel bad.

mother ######6 saga y'all

my docs sent me to the mother ######6 ER. like ambulance direct to the ER. and all out the blue with no warning. she left to confer with the other doctor 3 times. then the last time she's got ######6 medics, fireman, and a cop. the copper searches my bags before I get in the damn ambulance.

I'm like doc, are you comitting.me what the ###$? and she said she is really concerned about me. about my migraines, my health, my extended incapacity, and that she had lost a patient to suicide and couldn't bare to lose another and she like teared up. it was kind of sweet so I'm not mad at her.

then the ER sucked. i went straight to a bed. got my neurology/stroke screening. the nurse was a fisher and she got blood every where. i mean errryfuqnwhere. then nobody connected my fluids bag for like 3 hours. they did labs and an EKG. can't figure out what's wrong so I went back home on a twenty dollar uber.

the medical doctors were just like yeah - you're fuqd. sorry. good luck.
my ambulance guy - we got all religious on it and I liked it. he said these doctors gonna fix you up. i said man I done gave up on the doctors, it's in God Hands now. and he said, yes but the Lord works in earthly ways. and then I laughed and said that's why I'm on this ride and laughed some more. and he laughed with me. and I liked it.

the psych MD. was a lady doc and I ######6 liked her. i even told her about the DID near the end. she was asking about amnesia and I was like weeellllll.......i didn't wanna go there but.

anyway they didn't lock me up. which is like a super ###$ huge big deal to me. cuz I ######6 hate getting committed.

a lot of this was just really really really ######6 funny to me. i guess its just that point.where it becomes absurd. the whole ######6 experience of my day was absurd.

Well, what a day! I'm glad you were able to find the humor in all of it. It's a treat to read your stories! I'm glad you're home safe, and, maybe feeling better? It sounds like people were nice to you, anyway.

Oh gosh BeccaBee! That's quite a day!

I'm glad you came out of it laughing though. And glad you're home safe again!

Arin

damn
the ER is where they let all the nurses in training learn how to take blood. last one took 20 minutes to fill those tubes because she couldn't find anything at my dissociated body.
I am glad you are home. How did your kid take all that?
if you ever want prayer, let me know. I wish it wasn't needed...

wow birdsong it's interesting you ask. because I actually cast a pretty wide net today making prayer requests. i didn't post here because the topic can be triggering for some. on Sunday I am going to a prayer gathering. and I started several prayer trees and asked people to put in requests at their churches this sunday.

in the south we have a tradition of faith healing. we call it laying hands.
what I realized is that though I found the courage to ask others to pray for me. i haven't prayed for myself. i don't know why. i think when I pray a lot of feelings of shame and worthlessness come up and it's difficult. well. practice makes perfect. and I guess it shows how deep that shame really twists inside.

I came here to say something but I forgot what it was. yes please. anybody who prays.... pray for me. or just send healing vibes. through faith and action, all things are possible.

for me, the shame and worthlessness vanishes when I remember who I am praying to.
the picture we have of God makes a difference. I believe in the God who goes after lost sheep and eats with the prostitute and likes children. the christian tradition I come from also uses laying on of hands. it is an ancient practice. I have witnessed some medically documented miracles and I know it sometimes works. (it also works without the touching, lately we haven't felt comfortable with that...)
I hope you will get your miracle.

random health update - mostly for record keeping purposes cuz of my damn amnesia.

the day after the ER was basically a hangover. and I got a hideous withdrawal headache. the next day was awesomely horrible. it was one of those violently ill bile out of both ends thing. and even though it was miserable I really felt like I was just getting poison out of my body.

I had a rough day. tried getting some fluids in. was really really struggling just to hit 25 or 35 oz of fluid. then miraculously I actual wanted to eat something. but only 1 particular thing. someone brought that to me and I ate solid food. it was so hard. i wanted it so bad. my hands and fork want to put it in my mouth so fast they move on their own. but I know I have to eat slow little bites. and not much at once. my stomach is very itty bitty now. it stayed down!!!!!

my insomnia is still really really really bad. which exacerbates my whackadoodle stuff. so I don't think I want to take that shot either once a month.

it the big news is when I woke up I wanted to EAT. so bad. omg.
I ate some more again. but it was like I couldn't control my hands. they were putting the food in my mouth faster than I could eat it so I had to keep taking the food back out it was comical kind of. i think the littles were moving my hands but I was in charge of chewing and swallowing so there was a little tug of war. i had a massively huge breakfast. it may have been almost an entire cup of of food. and it's staying down.

of course I thought this meant I was better and I would clean my house today. but halfway through trying to make my cup of coffee all that horrible head pain, nausea, balance.instability, dizziness. all of it. i think because I was up and moving. and too excited. so I didn't move slowly and cautiously. so then I was shaking and sick and my daughter had to get me set up and tucked in on the couch in the den under my electric blankie.

and then I prayed to God. to thank him for making me sick. because it made me

slow down
realize that relationships matter more than money
my daughter matters more than my job
my health matters more than my career
have this epiphany about my priorities being out of whack.
and also for all my paperwork going through and benefits being approved

I am ready to heal now. and I think this prayer is helping me turn the corner. i am changing the way I plan and envision my future. i am redefining my meaning of success and happiness. and I am letting go of old dreams, long cherished. in favor of new dreams. a new vision of our future and what success looks like for us.

I know that I do wholeheartedly want to go back to work again. for as long as possible. i have accepted my eventual disability. i have. i really have.

but my mission hasn't changed. i am still going to catapult my daughter into a brighter future, freed from the chains of generational trauma and poverty. but to do that. I've got to go back in the ring one more time. i just need to last one more round and make it to the bell. October 2020.

and to do that I have to heal. and to do that I have to be cautious. because my recovery is glacial.

but for now I am hopeful. keeping solids down is an excellent indication that I will be able to keep fluids down. hydration and nutrition. mama's getting some energy to heal now. woot!

I just need to recover slow and steady. and try not to worry about the finances. i have handled all kinds of $#%^ in my life. i should be able to take this in stride. it's just money. TAFKAR won't let us go hungry. he has earned so many brownie points I might change his name back.

I was really disappointed to wake up this morning puking bile again. i tried to get some fluids in. but they wouldn't stay down.

I went to prayers anyway. when I got home I just kept feeling worse and worse and worse. i had upper abdominal pain. finally this really, really, thick and horribly rancid slime came up. followed by more pain. right over my liver.

then I really really wanted to eat grass. or some kind of herb. the craving got so intense I actually went the block to the store so I could find the herbs I need by smell.

I juiced them and drank grass.

i hope I get better.

That's sounds horrible. I'm very sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better soon!