Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

February can be a terrible month for anyone.

You will pull through and begin to give a fuq. you still have more in you to keep going. Sometimes at the bottom looking up it doesn't feel that way.

sometimes you have to stir things up to bring them to the top. Then you can either look at them or tuck them away in the freezer until you are ready. Freezable epiphanies? you could sell those!

i guess I'm hanging in there. this new med seems like it will help. I'm still working to find the dose I need.....slowly and gradually. it makes me nauseous though. it reminds me of pregnancy nausea.....ugh.

there's a lot going on inside. i guess because we got off the hamster wheel. i realize now why I am always so exhausted. and I don't even know what I'm trying to prove with all this #######4 superwoman stuff. and I've realized how tremendously thin my support network is.

anyway what's really going on is this terrible epiphany of realizing that work is.......unsustainable. I'll never make it like I want to, wish to. envision. and what I envision will never happen. it's a fantasy. and I need to find a new definition of success.

and right now that's looking a lot like finding balance. i mean in everything. in my life. in my role as mother. taking care of myself. and my home. i just can never find balance because work is so all consuming. and I've been so blind to that. so incredibly blind that the rest of my life is in ruins. because I'm so desperate to prove that I can take care of everything myself and don't need any help. from anyone or anything.

I guess it's time for things to change anyway. the other thing I've decided/realized is that it's all connected. you know? like your body and mind and spirit and stuff. so like how I am going to heal my body and find that healthy equilibrium when I just ignore and carry all that trauma in my ######6 body anyway? so fuq it. I'll do ######6 therapy. I'm tired of thinking that this level of stress, exhaustion and misery is normal. or acceptable in any ######6 way.

geez. I'm angry (because im.always angry)
I'm sad. because I have to figure out how to deal with this time and money and work and balance problem. because the stress is literally killing me. softly and slowly but it's killing me. and that makes me overwhelmed too. and I'm still sick and dizzy. and I'm pinching pennies which is ######6 stressful.

and I'm starting to fill with dread at the thought of returning to work. with the people and the lights and the noise and the #######4 and the stress and the ######6 air. i feel like I just dropped a wall so I should probs move this to my journey thread.

PS my med has a mood alteration suicide warning so y all let me know if i start getting all melancholy and $#%^.

I feel like maybe you are a step ahead of me in a way.
in realizing things about the hamster wheel.
Hoziers new album came out and there is a song called "no plan" that I kind of hear because it is beautiful and because it expresses some of my world view and because I was hoping it would annoy L a little.
it says
there's no plan
there's no race to be run

and that is where he kind of lost me.
if I really believe in existentialism... why am I pushing myself so hard?
the answer is, that it too is a trauma pattern.
which makes is a weakness, not a strength.
this sucks.

Hey Bees

February is a beautiful month down here: the wind doesn't blow much; the weather is warm; the sea is beautiful and the bees are all out pollinating the flowers.

When you look at it that way, you can't help but be filled with joy and laughter at Nature.

No, there's no single plan for everyone. What a dystopian thought. If balance is what you want then balance is what you strive for.

Let me tell you a secret - and this secret is thousands of years old - we all possess absolutely everything we need to thrive.

Take care... LTLTR

Hi Asti,

You're really smart. We'll be trying to fix something (I mean really obsessing on it) then realize - Oh F-K! It's a trauma pattern!

Iain

Hi Brett! Sounds like you are doing ok. That's cool!

ALRIGHT. i committed to this journey thread so let's do this $#%^.

I feel ######6 awful and I am still out of work and on short term disability benefits.

I am stabilized migraine wise on a cocktail of meds. buts it's a very stable level of misery. i basically cannot handle light, noise, movement, complex visual environments, motion, smells. etc. good news I am keeping some solids down. but unable to drive or work and struggling with the most simple and basic tasks. bathing. loading the dishwasher. checking mail, etc. some days I can do them laboriously and many days not at all. my chronic headache has increased in severity as the dizziness decreased.

anyway enough of that. what it boils down to is some very scary $#%^ about my employee benefits and my ability to work. i am struggling to come to terms with my incapacity. struggling with shame and guilt. and a lot of anxiety about our immediate future.

I have been researching disability in general (USA). i have an appointment with my doc tomorrow. see how it goes and what he says.

I have been crying, worsened insomnia, sudden falls, mild visual and auditory hallucinations, and increased frequency of thoughts associated with death such as wills and funeral arrangements. which may mean a change in medication. i don't know. my FMLA is going to expire in @ 2 weeks. this is my federal job protection.

I see my psych prescriber guy next week and I will let him know about the new stuff.

$#%^ never ends, huh?

fuqballs.

We're really sorry that you're going through this, BeccaBee.

Sending you encouragement.

Charity, Mary, and others

That sounds really rough. We're very sorry to hear that. We hope things improve for y'all soon.

Hi BeccaBee,

We're thinking about you and hoping you get through ok. Sorry you're dealing with all this.

Good luck with the doctor appointment, and with the psych next week.

american employment law sucks. Our T has us read the laws in our country and I wouldn't want to be back in the states. disability sucks everywhere
are there any further options? the meds don't seem to do much... and maybe it would be worse without, but ###$ they need to find a better solution for you!
I get the guilt. but it doesn't make sense. It's certainly not your willingness that is the problem!
hang in there. and don't stop nagging people to do their job better.