Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

PS I love Bob! who drew the bob pictures?

throwing in some thoughts...
if it is sweet pea who is anxious you might want to start with creating a safe place around her. add an inner helper who she trusts to protect her.
if it is someone else in the system going frantic because they are afraid of sweet peas memories you could make a deal not to share things, possibly contain them for a certain time when you are ready to look at them. or even raise the dissociative barrier so that this part knows little of what is coming from sweet peas side.
basically, it is throwing all the standard tools at it.

(Asti wrote most of the article. we talked her into the Bob idea, pics by L, colored by Maya herself)

i had 5 days off work. it felt like 5 minutes.

I have to go to work today. I am really tired. I feel like giving up. but I know I can't.

the bender feels like it might be leveling out. I think a lot had to do with sweet pea. getting the baby attachment items really helped. explaining that we were a mom and a good mom to our baby also made an impact.

underneath it all though - I'm terrified. eerie similarities to my nervous breakdown five years ago. I've been full time working for the same amount of time.

what if I am unable to work full time and it's just a truth I have to face? how will I ever survive? how will I take care of my child?

I recognize this feeling. tenacity + exhaustion + despair + resolve

where will I steer us this time? how will I navigate rough waters again?

I always have these dreams about making our life better. giving my daughter a bright future. and I can't even keep the damn boat from sinking.

because I have holes in my boat.

###$ it. I am completely out of ###$ to give. no tricks up my sleeves left.

I guess I'm just running on blind hope at this point.

We've sure run on blind hope sometimes ourselves. Blind hope is better than no hope at all. We know you're tough and resourceful - also a good mom. You're teaching your kid to make it through tough times. Then she can make her own life. Keep us posted.

Good luck,

Colin

i think I'm getting some semblance of cognitive functioning back.

went a little nutty there for a minute. forgot most of it but I kept my job.

I am able to resume unpacking again so that's cool.

just taking everything nice and easy. slow and steady. one step at a time. being patient with my recovery.

Way to go Bees. You've got what it takes to do this.

Colin

still in the deep end but doing better than I was.

slow and steady to spring.

well.....I have barely worked my job in the last few weeks. I made it to my checkpoints. then I did go back to work 1 day in January. I called out for the other three.

I felt out of control when I did it. I really wanted and needed to go to work. we agreed to just take Thursday and Friday. but then on Monday I didn't go. we spent the whole morning bickeriing about calling out. but I just never was able to get ready and out the door. by the time I was ready to go to work I was so late I had to call out. it made me angry and frustrated and powerless.

but the other me was so insistent that I wasn't going. and instead did some housework and unpacking. or putting away is a better word since it was already out of the boxes and pile everywhere. just not put away.

I've managed to slay a great deal of my workload with my hookie days so that's better. but I still argued with myself so much over it.

I've missed picking up my medicines so I need to do that today before I go coo-coo from missing doses.

I really hope I can get the work routine back under control.

Hi BeccaBee,

Congrats on making it through your checkpoints. I hope you can get back into the routine again ok.

We're rooting for you.

V2

thank you. I made it to work today. woo hoo!!!