Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

concerned about my stress and exhaustion levels.

I have been back to working full time for 2.5 years and I can feel it. the cumulative toll of it.

I had my nervous breakdown in the holiday season of 2013. after 3.5 years of full time work.

I was careful to choose a job that offered way more flexibility and work-life balance.

but 2.5 years in, it's taking a toll on me. and I worry that I will walk the same road again
but idk what to do. the thought of not being able to work fills me with despair. I am in a bad place where all my energy is consumed by the 9-5. I just turn into a zombie on the weekends trying to rest and recover for another work week. and the thought of continuing to live like this fills me with despair.

and I feel like a $#%^ mother.

any strategies how to stop it before it crashes?
maybe it doesn't have to be quitting the job?

not sure. I see my med man today. will discuss temporary options in terms of medication. maybe he will have other input.....

I know part of my problem is all or nothing (black and white thinking).

either I work full time and earn a living wage or I'm crazy and on disability.

neither of these options seem totally feasible. it's obvious the full time grind wears on me over time. I can do it for a while....
but I eventually crumble. disability is hard AF to get on in USA. you have to be destitute for 18 months, apply, get turned down, then reapply with lawyer. I have made sure to have a $#%^ ton of medical records in case I ever do truly need disability.

the best circumstance might be some thing right there in the middle. where I am working part time. but I haven't figured out how to do that without absolute #######4 poverty. and I don't want to do that to myself or kid.

main difference between now and 2013? back then I thought "suck it up" would work and now I know it doesn't. so at least I am paying attention to the warning signs.

truly idk what to do. I mean, medical leave if I need it. and document the ###$ out of my decline if that's what happens so I have medical records for a disability case - which I did not have last time.

but ###$!!! I wish I could find a middle ground. but I have been brainstorming this for years and no solution yet. ######6 money. I hate it.

Hi Beccabee,

Sorry you're having a rough time. Maybe birdsong is right about not totally quitting your job. Can you work from home some days? Or do part-time? I hope there's a fix for this problem.

Our job is super stressful sometimes but then after that we can calm down for a while before it gets hard again. That works for us because we don't have to go fast all the time. Also we pretty much like our job - not everybody but the people doing it are pretty ok with it. I don't really know about your job though. Just that jobs are hard when you're DID.

Iain

any support from within the system?
we have someone who is a high energy person and sometimes when I am struggling we ask her to come closer and share some of that energy.
someone else in the system who could take over some tasks?
someone from outside the system who could help with stuff?
any way to increase self-care moments? sometimes relaxing on purpose can save from the worst stress
any other ways of healthy stress relief you know?

pushing thru only makes sense when it is for a predictable short time. you are trying yourself on a marathon. I fully believe that you can do it. look for stress relief. we are cheering for you

med guy suggested fibrex.

I asked about mechanism of action and it's an SSRI. and I was just firm with him and said I really don't think I should try that because I have a really toxic reaction to that class of drugs. (but I am also thinking in my head I'm not about to almost die just to try another one of these ######6 things).

so he suggested latuda which is some antipsychotic. I looked up the MOA and it messes with serotonin too. he gave me some samples of the lowest dose. tbh, I am scares to try it but more nervous about going bat $#%^ crazy and losing my job again so ###$ it. I'll try it.

he said he has seen a lot of success with patients who don't respond to SSRIs. of course it feels weird to think I am even going to try this drug class. because I mostly think of it for people who are schizophrenic or bipolar as all hell.

but this is my dude who gave me the prazosin. so. I trust him enough to give it a go. I just need to pull out of this tail spin.

I feel like I am already maxxed on self care but I bet I could still find ways to do better.

at least I am documenting this go round. and at least I know where I am headed if I don't turn it around.

Good luck BeccaBee, I hope the new med helps!

hey Iain, I didn't process your response earlier. I have no intention of quitting my job. they will have to fire me for being too crazy to work. I'm never walking again. I will FMLA and disability the hell out of that $#%^ before I give it up.

I am trying to think positive on the work stress like you said. this isn't an endless grind of stress, we are definitely in a peak and if I can just ride it another 6-18 months it will work. I would like to say more about what I actually do, but I need to censor for privacy. I am part of a new industry development. I am an accountant working with salesmen and engineers. I get along fine with the engineers. we click with analytical brain. but the salesmen are like wild cowboys, and controlling them is part of my job. only they are seniors to me in every way. age, experience, hierarchy.

actually trying to say this as succinctly as possible really helped me have an epiphany!!!! this is mostly a conflict managent issue! thats why i am losing my $#%^ and melting down!!!

ok. so I know one thing I can do right off. I'm friends with a lady at work who is really good at dealing with salesmen. I will ask her for pointers! and I can try to do some research and come up with a bit of a plan. meanwhile I'll wait to see how the other thing shakes down. get through this last trip (probably another reason I'm freaking out).

and I can try to ratchet my self care up a notch. like meditation, my supplements, more water, better sleep hygiene, nature walks. hell yeah I have a plan!!!

thank you guys! this place helps us so much. I am so glad we have each other to confide in and talk to and learn from.

this is exactly what happened to me last time. I had a conflict management issue and I didn't address it and it just got worse and worse. I am losing my $#%^ just like before. but now I understand why.

and that means, I'm gonna win

Way to go, BeccaBee!

Writing here helps me a ton also. It's often more effective than writing in my journal, because some (all?) of the parts find it easier to express themselves on here than when they are talking just to me. Sometimes I hear one imagining what they are going to write, and that's how I know what they are thinking or feeling.

Sounds like you have a great plan!

didn't sleep much last night. will try extra hard to catch some zzzs tonight.

anyway. got up this morning. put on my war paint. and marched my ass into work ready to face my demons.

very different than the last few weeks of meltdown city.

fuq yeah!!!!

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Writing here helps me a ton also. It's often more effective than writing in my journal

yes absolutely!