Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

Hi

Knowing that I might help in any way is amazing. Thank you. Brett

Hey Team B

I

I wish I knew what to do. like I can see it coming. trip. Halloween. thanksgiving. Christmas. new years. bam-bam-bam. and I know I'm going to get all wonky. and I play it real careful. I say no a ton. I plan ahead and minimize commitments and pencil in a lot of downtime and I know that minimizes it. prevents the real bender. but....i hate knowing that I am gonna get all wonky and that there is really nothing else I can do. except ride it out.

Yeah I struggle with this too. I know knowing it is coming helps to offset some issues, but also ignorance is bliss. When you didnt know you didnt devote time to worrying about it.

I also agree with the responses to your expression of gratitude. You are inspiring here. You have it together. I see how you approach your T and your issues and you don't seem to have the baggage I have and so I find inspiration to one day be like that. I am not saying you don't have your own baggage. But I can see your posts and say - i don't have to carry THAT bag. How do we drop it?

there is no friend in my real life with the capacity to receive intimate details of how this condition affects my life. to understand the vast, endlessly vast amounts of energy that must be devoted to managing it.

Same boat and so true. It is an isolating condition. And not one you can freely talk about like you might about something else like a knee injury or diabetes.

I am wishing for a less rocky season for you.

I wish I could go ahead and have a list right up front of all the stupid holiday #######4 that would come up so I could just take care of it. but it's like they nickel and dime you to death.

there will be cookies for the class party. and donation drives. and ornament swaps. and holiday potlucks. and secret Santa's and a bunch of ######6 small talk about holiday plans.

and then my special dread.....the gorge of materialism that runs from American thanksgiving through black Friday....then I have to stay off Facebook until after new years. it's disgusting to me. to have known extreme poverty. to still know there that are so many in our communities who go without. without clothing, food, shoes, heat, transportation, hope. and see all that gluttony and excess. I wish I could withdraw from society on All Hallows and not return until new years.

I will say this. every year I am better! every year I employ new tricks. and this year I will do better. even with my stupid #####& of a business trip.

I think I do have attachment issues....but like in a different way. I am anti attachment. I love no one. I trust no one. just the kid and the dog. that's it. I don't think that's healthy. it's just me hiding in the igloo with ye olde Eskimo heart.

BeccaBee wrote:
I think I do have attachment issues....but like in a different way. I am anti attachment. I love no one. I trust no one. just the kid and the dog. that's it. I don't think that's healthy. it's just me hiding in the igloo with ye olde Eskimo heart.

that could be me. if I do feel a little attachment I would never admit it. and I stay neutral when people leave. I dont feel a thing... probably dissociated though...

I am concerned about all the holidays. things get really hard for us as well.
with the capitalism thing going crazy... we have become minimalists a few years ago. we gift experiences and time with us. we tell people to not clutter us with stuff. they have to think. i like the idea of donations in someone name. be the change.

We also hate the holidays, with the exception of All Hallows Eve. Seeing Christmas decorations everywhere for two months is hard to endure.

I think I do have attachment issues....but like in a different way. I am anti attachment. I love no one. I trust no one. just the kid and the dog. that's it. I don't think that's healthy. it's just me hiding in the igloo with ye olde Eskimo heart.

trust me it is not easier opening up to it and then still having to deal with it. the igloo image was meaningful to us. When we left our old T, the littles were heartbroken. We found one frozen in an igloo.

So it is a meaningful symbol I suppose.

Eskimo Heart - Part 1

I misplaced myself
for quite sometime
and when I returned
to myself again
suprised to find
that I had withered in the dark
and grown weak from acquiescing

a broken heart
and a hard earned lesson
my only possessions
when I took to the skies
soaring in my disguise
of liberated happiness

it's amazing to fly solo
after being caged for so long
to find your own melodies
after singing harmonies 
to someone else's song

yes, 'tis better to be free
than down upon my knees
feeding on the empty promises
that are all you have to give
better to live

but I am not a solitary creature
and I grow weary of this flight
and searching, I am searching
for a place to alight
and rest these weary bones

searching for a life to call my own
a place to call my home
where I can breathe
without having to be alone.

-- Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:57 pm --

Eskimo Heart - Part 2


my heart is an Eskimo
in the land of snow and ice
she makes her home
where the lonely go
and dreams must suffice

my hope is a fountain
the water sweet and clear
that speaks of the eternal
for those with souls to hear

my love is a red, velvet rose
that grows where lightning strikes
blooming under moonlight 
in the land of snow and ice

my sorrow is a nightingale 
who sings above distant memories
to banish the pain below

the scar from the blade
that glints like the smile
of the shadow in the doorway
bare feet, broken glass
hesitate
the darkness so thick
even shadows seem to pass

my heart is an Eskimo
who drinks from the fountain
and tends to the roses
in the land of snow and ice

she is safe inside her igloo
but far from paradise

-- Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:59 pm --

Eskimo Heart - Part 3


when the wintry night comes to call
is when she misses him most of all
she thinks of his strong arms
and how safe she felt 
in that warm embrace

her stubborn heart whispers his name
and waters the pillow 
with it's quiet pain

in truth
she prefers to cry in the shower
thinking that somehow
those tears are less real
or don't matter

she remembers him
smiling in the sun
the wind in his hair
his laughter, his kisses
and what came after

all the while she wishes
that her heart will turn cold
and become an eskimo again
more than anything
she wishes that the missing
will soon come to an end

love it
I hear you

Incredible. I hear you. I feel you. And many parts.

I remember these. Good stuff. I remember you posted at least one or two of them. Great imagery that explains your thoughts and experiences so well.