Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

Hi Beccabee,

Sounds like something is going on for sure.

Iain

Evan says "Hi!" to the magenta person.

Hello Beccabee and, as Evan called you, Magenta Person. Can I ask what your name is? I am one of those people who reads your story but I don't know you yet. I hope we can be friends, though. I am so glad everything is looking up and that you got a new puppy. Your recent posts feel so calm and peaceful, especially about sitting with your puppy. It sounds lovely.

oh, rabbit hole. oh rabbit hole. I think I must update you.

things have been
so crazy
and I have not been
myself really
I don't know why
I do these things
why can't I
just be happy?

so I think the purple font was a little most likely li'l b. perhaps some daisy and amy influence.

man I have been on a bender.

what the ###$? I don't know why I am so averse to just ######6 stability. like I could just keep this dang house and stay in this house and mind my finances and be patient and just have a stable, content, uneventful. normal, boring life.

but for some reason. I am incapable of such things.

***excuse me? please. we know why you run around fixation on one thing after another it is all how you are addicted to distraction and crisis which is part of running away and dissociation and staying too busy to think so don't come o the forum.pullong this poor bewildered me act. .you are a ######6 crisis junkie. and when you don't have a real one. you Wil manufacture some. like "oh my gosh let's adopt TWO ######6 PUPPIES SO THEY CAN BE FRIENDS EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T AFFORDABLE AND IT WILL BE GRRREAT."****

and ladies and gents that is tom. our keeper tracker. right as usual.
definately I am in this ....almost depression. paralysis. boring life. desperate for my job to chnage. and you know what? aside from being crazy and fat I am totally fine. if i budget carefully I can survive. if i bide my time and keep playing the game I will EVENTUALLY move up and get some extra cheddar.

I just need to cool the ###$ out. you know life is enough ######6 work without me running around destabilizing everything.

I've been running for twenty years. and I am about damn ready to stop. and turn around and face these ######6 demons. bring it #####&!!!!!!! I ain't running no ######6 more!!!!!!!

I haven't been in a good place emotionally. I have had a lot of tears. a lot of rage. a lot of grief. a lot of intrusive fantastical violent thoughts. I understand the difference between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I can feel hate and rage. I can think about beating someone's knees in with a baseball bat and crushing their orbital sockets and mandibles. but I can CONTROL MY BEHAVIOR. this I know. i. can. control. my. behavior.

so I have been hella ###$ exhausted. I have not been comming in my journal. I have not been diligent with self care. I have kind of been a reckless asshole.

tomorrow I am playing hookie from work. yeah. I never do it. nut my desk is caught up and I am in a badd place emotionally. (like really bad....a little suicide ideation sneaking in there---and i like NEVER go there) I need some rest. I need a day without the kid to think. I need to putter around and clean and unpack my house. I need to recalibrate my space time awareness. I need to adjust my gratitude and thankfulness for what I have and let go of this desperation for the next mountain to climb.

I need a day to myself to recalibrate. I have to pull myself to ######6 together. I have to appreciate this beautiful, amazing? gift of the life I have!!!

we have not been a team for a good 6-9 months and it shows.

my nails are painted, my brows are waxed. their is hair dye in the cupboard. and eyeliner in the make up bag. somebody is out.

my heart is filled with pain and rage and grief and despair and love and hope and joy.

and I am going to pull it the ###$ together tomorrow.

c'mon Team. if we can't do it for ourselves. let's do it for the kid. let's figure out how to be all of us together. work in harmony.

LET'S ######6 KOKUA TEAM BEE!!!!!

we can have a good life. if we just focus on living it!!!

whatever fell apart when we had the hard shut down. let's do a full reboot and get ALL systems back online and functioning!

I love you Bees. The hive is only successful when we work together and communicate and share our resources.

we have made it 35 years. .I think it's about time we started kicking ass again

I ♡ U

dont know if you noticed but we suffer from crisis addiction too. if that is what you want to call it.
a good T once explained how the body and the mind got into extreme situations, that led to splits, and somehow got used to extreme stimulation, extreme feelings, extreme body sensation, extreme mental stress, extreme extreme extreme, and that became normal.
so now everything normal and stable feels like under-stimulation and it needs to be changed. something needs to feel more like crisis because we, the team, are ######6 good at crisis and not so much when life is normal.
that T said that if we ever integrate we will probably be bored out of our mind and should look for some extreme hobbies...
what i am trying to say is basically "situation normal".

we always try to use our crisis addiction to move forward with the system. when i feel understimulated i send out a team to explore, start a difficult conversation, get in touch with a difficult alter... so my crisis often includes alters going crazy, parts of the inner world gettin evacuated, new memories.... while that serves as crisis it also improves the system and overall wellbeing. we have become investigators to satisfy the need for arousal.
some peope pity us because we seem to be in constant crisis. but we actually choose to live in border country and go out to explore.
what i am trying to say is that you can make use of this to accelerate healing.

there can be a balance in exploring the rabbit hole, keeping things going in every day life and some much needed rest, without depending on outside struggles to push your arousal levels.

yes. this makes sense.

"crisis" was my normal. for what?? twenty years...

so when I am not in crisis things feel wrong. I look for what is wrong and that creates crisis.

I need to calibrate a new normal.

this is much to ponder. thank you birdsong.

it reminds me of a song lyric...I can't place.

"situation normal: all ###$ up"

LOLZ. I need a new situation normal. "life is boring as ###$".

(***and that's a good thing, dumbass!***)
~you know we might listen to you more if you weren't so ######6 insulting about everything~

it is hard to get used to boring when you have spent your life living in crisis.

.......maybe I can find some wonderland in normal......

i just stumbled over this and wanted to share
a new song called "you're gonna be ok"

I know it's all you've got to just, be strong
And it's a fight just to keep it together, together
I know you think, that you are too far gone
But hope is never lost
Hope is never lost

Hold on, don’t let go
Hold on, don’t let go

Just take, one step, closer
Put one foot in front of the other
You’ll, get through this
Just follow the light in the darkness
You’re gonna be ok

I know your heart is heavy from those nights
Just remember that you're a fighter, a fighter
You never know just what tomorrow holds
And you're stronger than you know
Stronger than you know

And when the night, is closing in
Don't give up, and don't give in
This won't last, it's not the end, it's not the end
You're gonna be ok

several days ago, I fell down the patio stairs. it was night, raining. the stairs were wet. I was wearing my crocs which are worn. I slipped and hit hard then tumbled down the stairs and ended up face down in the dirt/mud/leaves.

there is a wildly horrendous bruise on my ass. stiff and sore all over. particularly right foot, right shoulder, blade, and lats.

I fear having done further damage to pelvic prolapse. I don't think I hurt my head to much. I fell on the evening of Monday March 11.

I am off work today. I am supposed to be working around the house. instead I read a book.

it is hard to balance self care with my responsibilities. I am so afraid of burning out again. but I need to get the house in order since that is just an undercurrent of constant stress, tension, anxiety.

I have not slept well since I banged my eye socket.

I need to to take better care of my body. and I am too reckless. too clumsy. too fat. too unaware.

I need to connect to my body. somehow identify this hunk of meat machine as me. but it's so hard to make that connection.

I would be better in my head if my body was better cared for. I could care for my body better if I realized it was mine and remembered. it's like some circle of insanity I can't break.

me. my body. i live in my body. me. my body. my house. the earth. idk. it confuses me. body is a machine I have to maintain but I don't see it. don't notice. don't remember. not until I hurt it. then I realize. I am doing a bad job. I need to do better.

its a weird struggle, trying to connect with the body.
in a clinic we have learned some basic qi-gong, that helped, and Samsland told us about a nice yoga woman on youtube. her channel is called "yoga with Adriene". she has 30 day challenges and walks people thru the poses step by step so even a beginner can do it. we were surprised how well we did...
it did help to connect with the body.
for some of us it wasnt comfortable, rather scary... so be careful and do what feels good.
if you can do that... massages could be awesome.

i am really concerned about your accidents. they are too frequent to be coincidence. have you asked inside if there is someone trying to sabotage you?

body is old fat and clumsy. the Bs are not careful with the body. make mistakes in space and depth perception. only solution is to be more in tune with the body's dimensions and paying attention to outside world.

Bs accidents are always at home. because they are not paying attention to body + environment. and neglecting simple safety considerations. night light in the bathroom. shoes with tread on a rainy porch. neglecting that 35 yr old bodies take way more damage from a fall than 10 or 14 or 20 yr old bodies.

the Bs need to focus on body awareness. there is a terrible disconnect. it's from the pelvic prolapse and surgeries and scarring and such. nobody wants to accept the new reality of this body. so they simply ignore it. which does not help in the maintenance of the body.

Becca is one of the few who cares but nobody listens. to follow her advice would take time and energy. and Bs are stretched thin between work house and kid. it needs to be a priority but is competing with other priorities. it really bothers Becca because she loves nature and being in harmony and she knows so much about nutrition and she enjoys being beautiful. remembers being beautiful.

I miss opening the closet to pick out clothes. or the way the sun would hit my shoulders in the summertime. I miss the way doors always opened and men turned their heads to smile and I could always ask a favor and get whatever I needed. I miss being strong and fast. I miss dancing 'round the fire. and being so strong. so strong and beautiful that I could do whatever I wanted.

I saw T today after a 6 month hiatus. we have decided to move forward with a once monthly appointment at 1.5 hrs for trauma work. T says I have super excellent, amazing, fabulous coping and grounding skills. she is always semi astounded at the amount of progress I made on my own before entering therapy. pretty sure that trauma work will kick my ass. but ###$ it. I am going all in. I want to get better.

I talked about my dissociating at work and she said that as long as I am turned on at home that's ok to get me through. it's not viable long term but it's stability for now. she said that's why I need to tune out the sounds so badly. because I can't tune out when the noise keeps me present. this made a lot of sense to me. she said it's like pulling a curtain around me so I can check out.......yeah. pretty much.

so. yeah. next month we are going to work on something. it's one that I have almost knocked out on my own. so starting "easy".

alright. let's ######6 do it.

anything to share on what I can expect moving into trauma work? maybe I should Google this $#%^.