Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

the left side of my brain is tingling!!!!!!!

BeccaBee wrote:!thank you!

in my dreams last night I saw a line of me(s) in front of a line of mirrors. we were floating as if weightless. one by one down the line.....as each me gazed in the mirror and finally saw our true self they were absorbed into the mirror.

I was seeing all this from a 3rd perspective. just watching. I felt peace and awe.

when I woke up, it reminded me of the never ending story where Atreyu is at the Oracle and has to confront his true self and it's sebastian. neither atreyu or sebastian can move forward in the story until they accept the truth of the mirror.

as I write this now I realize now that I was unable to move forward until I realized the truth of who I was and how I came to be. not the character I created to be. the image of toughness or fear or vigilance or competence I created. but my true self.

I am healing. Praise God that such a miraculous and beautiful thing is possible. The journey is long, and I do not see the end or even the next curve in the road. but this is amazing. what a gift of grace and mercy.

Best post I've read in a while.

I own this movie and pulled it out to watch this part.

Atreyu is at the southern oracle. To pass the first gate he must know his own worth. The second gate is the mirror gate where he must confront his true self. then he passes into/thru the mirror. (there is an interesting little part where sebastian can't handle it and throws the book across the room).

Then Atreyu meets the southern oracle. it is two statues and answers in "we". To save Fantasia, The Empress needs a new name.

Helluva metaphor.

that sounds exciting. and HUGE. it sounds huge.
i am so happy for you, it seems like true revelation.
moments like that are priceless and they can change everything.
i am excited for you, for the whole team and for your journey.

about housing... i think its awesome that you are trying different things to find what fits.
i always think of it like buying shoes. sometimes you have to walk in that shoe for an hour to realize that its nice but it doesnt fit perfectly.

I am transforming rapidly. the experience has become indescribable. like a phoenix reborn.

many has become all.

I look around and recognize every item I own. I know what it is, where I got, why I have it.

I am becoming all of everything that I have been.

it is an indescribable revelation.

it has made me very thirsty.

slept very deeply. last night.

still feeling "whole" or "all".

have not talked to myself. or talked out loud in other voices on accident.

back to work today. I had 4 days off. 3 days on. 4 days off again. will see if unity feeling holds.

read more about fusion, integration, unification . still not sure what is happening to me. the best word to describe is "meld".

it's awesome! I want to do it permanently.

I want to be all of me, all the time.

so this melding thing has been holding strong for a few days.

I am not so naive to think that this is some magically permanent thing and I am cured. I think at most it's a trial run at unity to test the waters.

but it's still totally cool though!!!!

so I was reading the isstd treatment guidelines and I guess I am a little further along then I thought. although a lot of it has been self journeyed. I established rules for safety very early on. 15-19 years. 19-30 was the coping skills part.

and I have been doing that emotional processing stuff for a few years now. practicing having the feelings. I have had the abreactions but I did not know that was what you called them.

all in all it is really super promising and inspiring to keep working towards healing and getting better. maybe it is actually possible.

being all of me is like....indescribable. it is just ######6 awesome.

maybe completely breaking down in 2013 was a good thing? I don't know! but I wouldn't be where I am if i hadn't gone through that. I know that for sure. I am glad that I am on the other side!

GO TEAM!!!

BeccaBee wrote:I want to be all of me, all the time.

I want that too. So happy for you.

well the sticking together thing didn't really last.

the saddest part is that even though I sort of know it was cool I don't really remember what it felt like.

and I can't figure out if it was all of me or just parts of me. so was I a part of the unity thing and I don't remember. or other parts are doing it and that's why I don't remember?

I got a dog and I have to move. it's going to be a lot of work. I am always having a lot of work.

the dog is cool tho. and the house is good. I just feel really tired. maybe I will be decadent and take a day or two off work to make it happen.

once the work is done and I am over the hump it will be good.

maybe you are over-thinking. why not just be thankful for the experience?
i wish you could sent pictures of your new home. and the dog