Going Down the Rabbit-Hole

the updates:

--THERAPY--
I will resume with T in January and discuss how to move forward

--DOG--
I visited the humane society and talked about my house and schedule and if a dog was even possible. it may be if I find the right dog for our house. I am looking for a medium breed, 5-9 years old with a relaxed temperment. I will keep my eyes open for the right dog. and if my work situation ever changes I can raise a pup.

--BODY HEALTH--
I am doing very good on a daily dose of lorazepam. I take .5 mg every morning and it has been amazing. I started after the hurricane in September and have just kept it up. I think it is a hierarchy of needs thing. when my anxiety is low enough to function I am able to focus on other things. I have made changes to my diet and activity level. focusing on body health. I want to reverse this pre-diabetes, metabolic syndrome $#%^ that is going down. by using lifestyle changes and medication.

--FUSION??--
last night was a very, very strange experience. with some hesitating and some courage, I read Johnny Jacks blog post on his alters. Johns stuff always makes me wonky. but it was worth it and I got this whole new understanding of my system. after a few moments of this awareness of my formation and growth sort of congealed in my head I had a strong desire to heal, knit together again, fuse.

then a surging quiver came over me. and I was very very Co conscious. a lot. it caused frontal lobe pain on my right side. typing this post brings back a similar buzzing tingle there. I don't know what (if anything) is happening). I know it was discussed before bed, in bed, and through sleep. and I believe we have begun a process of showing/sharing or cataloging memories as a group somehow?

I don't understand what is going on, and aside from the strange and highly localized feeling in my head I don't feel particularly different today. more "in" the body I suppose. I will continue to update any new developments.

welcome 2017! I am in the future ♡ the future is now. I ######6 made it!

**censored for privacy concerns**
-roger

Team B - this also sounds great. Good job to you all!

Never thought to look for an older dog. That is a great idea. Also when people relocate overseas they often have to find a new home for a dog. I wonder where these kinds of needs are posted?

probably on social media in the military community. good idea.

today I have felt very "in" my body. and somehow "more" there was no dialogue while awake. I didn't lose time or switch. I didn't feel foggy or loopy. my body felt like mine and I had really good aim with my hands all day! it wasn't like controlling a robot from far away. it was like I was really in my body. like it is me. mine.

I took a nap though. something is happening in my sleep. lots of communication. like I am testing the waters of healing and integration. will continue to monitor.

I am wondering if this positivity is because you got some well deserved rest and you implemented good self care over the holidays with the parties and such?

if not that, I am sure it is result of your hard work in some area! Nice job!

upon further contemplation I don't know how much of current state is due to the short commute that has freed up time. and how much is due to the daily ativan.

I do know the next step is to find a similar convenient location that is a single family home. no shared walls and yard for the dog. (that I don't have yet).

BeccaBee wrote:and I was very very Co conscious. a lot. it caused frontal lobe pain on my right side. typing this post brings back a similar buzzing tingle there.

Hi BeccaBee! Did you figure out what this localised feeling is? I have also felt something similar, in the same area. I've been noticing it since the last time I acknowledged I had dissociated parts and started paying attention to more internal perspectives on certain situations I've been going through recently.
It also comes with a different "mind feeling" that I can't describe. Words, huh?

(Now I feel like I'm making this up too! Why is it that almost every time I write something on this forum, I get that "fake!!!!!!!" feeling inside?? I say feeling because sometimes it's a thought and other times it's like my mind turns upside down and everything feels so unreal. WTF)

It is difficult to describe and understand the head sensations. the feeling was probably a strongly activated prefrontal cortex, perhaps increased neuronal firing, or the major neurotransmitters. that it is hemispherical in nature is further puzzling. although it could be related to some repetitive TBI sustained throughout my life. this area of the brain deals with judgement, emotions, decision making, etc. those higher level functions. I think of PTSD as scarring in the brain and I believe the areas for those are more primal, like dysfunction in the amygdala and hypothalamus. with major disruption to the communications that govern nervous system arousal. but I digress. back to the frontal lobe. I think it is just highly activated. working hard. and that's where the sensation comes from. more neurotransmitters, more blood, more activity. I also highly suspect the anterior cingulate cortex is involved. as I am writing this I feel the entire front lobe, ocular nerve, and ACC.

on the "faking" it point. IMHO. when there's a part or parts that refuse to accept a reality of multiplicity. (denial ain't just a river!) well you will fish for any alternative explanation. if they seize on "this can't be real" therefore "it must be pretend, fake, unreal". acceptance is a long journey with many paths and every part of each of us has to find their own way to acceptance. like I always say, it's a marathon. it is just as important to accept that they have the perogative to not believe. when I gave myself permission to doubt, and really try to figure out what else it could be. I stopped fighting for the denial position as hard. because there was no one to fight against anymore. I found the truth easier that way.

I don't have anything insightful to say but I wanted to say I'm happy for you making progress apparently making some good new connections in your brain and your system. And happy you've started to come up with options regarding the dog situation, too.

!thank you!

in my dreams last night I saw a line of me(s) in front of a line of mirrors. we were floating as if weightless. one by one down the line.....as each me gazed in the mirror and finally saw our true self they were absorbed into the mirror.

I was seeing all this from a 3rd perspective. just watching. I felt peace and awe.

when I woke up, it reminded me of the never ending story where Atreyu is at the Oracle and has to confront his true self and it's sebastian. neither atreyu or sebastian can move forward in the story until they accept the truth of the mirror.

as I write this now I realize now that I was unable to move forward until I realized the truth of who I was and how I came to be. not the character I created to be. the image of toughness or fear or vigilance or competence I created. but my true self.

I am healing. Praise God that such a miraculous and beautiful thing is possible. The journey is long, and I do not see the end or even the next curve in the road. but this is amazing. what a gift of grace and mercy.