for the protectors [venting and advice]

IainEtc wrote:ALL F-ING RIGHT!

I kept telling Host this guy was a creep. So Host told him to get someone else. We're not working for him. It means less money but Host listened to me!

Colin

Really glad for you, Colin.

MDs

This holiday we stayed home and stayed safe. I thought it would be boring as $#%^. But it was calmer. I didn't get triggered so often. No crowds. No traffic. No angry people in my face. It was ######6 easy.

Colin

(Venting.)

It feels like it's not really a great session with the T when a protector has to take over less than twenty minutes in so we can repeat a conversation we've already had a year ago about T using wishy-washy invalidating language.

Em

Angry right now. Iain says I should write about it. Doesn't make any ######6 difference. Everything is still gone completely to $#%^. Who do these #####& think they are? Stupid #####&!

Colin

We hear you, Colin. We're angry too.

MDs

What do you do when you're too full of anger? I used to help the system a lot. I fixed $#%^ and drove us places. Now I can't even think straight anymore. It's all attack and defense. I'm arguing with Host about security all the time. Host took us to eat outside at a food truck. I couldn't let us sit down. All I saw was an bad tactical position with no cover. I just want someone to understand how vulnerable we are.

Colin

Colin,
I don't know your situation as far as communication in your system, but I'll at least say what worked for me. I keep watch of the outside world nearly constantly. I keep my focus on only observing, that way if something does happen I can immediately take over the body and do whatever is needed to protect us. Having that constant watch lets me relax because that way I'll know immediately if something does happen. It takes more energy to do, but after enough practice I'm able to do some things around the innerworld without having to let our guard down. Hope that made some sense.


Now, the reason I came to this thread was to ask if any systems with multiple protectors could give some insight. Have you ever had an instance of a previously harmful alter becoming a protector? And if so, when/how did the change happen?

- Saggita

Thanks Saggita.

That 'previously harmful alter' who became a Protector is me. I was always a Protector but I used to be a jerk about it. Kind of like - If I can't protect you I'll destroy you. I changed because we had a good T. She taught me to protect in a different way.

Colin

Yup I got you there. I used to be the suicidal alter.
Took our origanal protector a long time to trust that I had changed my spots. I found I couldn't change all of who I was until the others accepted the possibility that I might change. I mean I haven't tried to kill us or even self harm in years but I would terrorise the ###$ out of everybody and little things like switching the pain receptors to me so the others didn't realise how badly they had accidentally hurt themselves )like if we fell or when we were beaten) I enjoyed the pain. My t made me realise that what I was doing was ultimately driven by wanting to protect. If your dead you can't be abused. If I'm enjoying the pain no one else is getting hurt. I still get urges to punish myself but I recognize now that they are a symptom of an impending flashback so with the others help I now do something creative untill the urge goes.

Ultimately it was being accepted by our protector that helped me switch to protecting in a healthy way.

I keep getting triggered every ######6 day. The system needs me. I got to keep it together. Morgan says I reflexively escalate. Got to watch that. I keep seeing guys with guns. And no ######6 brains! Not just on the TV but on the ######6 street! Got to stay cool. Do NOT escalate. The system needs me.

Colin