for the protectors [venting and advice]

It's your decision. I just have a couple of things. You're already communicating. You just don't like what you're hearing. How about looking at what's really going on? Lot's of times "Do you want to just end this?" really means "I want to end this but I want you to be the bad guy." There it is.

Colin

Hi Pixie,

I know you are trying really hard to keep all this together. That's what I do all the time. But the deal is lot's of times I should stop trying so hard and see if the other person cares enough to stick around. I can't stand it when everybody fights but I can't save it either. Makes me really sad.

Iain

ArbreMonde wrote:Da fudge???

SHE is the one who deserves to be magicked away! I got some banishing spells in my Book of Shadows so if you want one, don't hesitate to PM us!

--Zami--

Nice thanks but I think I'll pass. That'd just be lowering myself to her level...... grace is such a doormat she'd chop of her tits with a rusty spork if she thought it'd make H happy.

Pixie, Zor hows it going?

MeMyselfMaureen wrote:Pixie, Zor hows it going?

Actually going alright the last day or two... so... We'll keep you guys posted.

{\Pixie/}

I don't think I'm a protector but I definitely feel like I have one close by right now. Aside from earlier when Beth was around because she was just happy the bf left, - and has been chatting online all day complete nonsense because she can't do that when the bf was here- I threw him out via the police, nobody else has been clearly present. But I just had someone say "you know when you clearly make a perfectly rational decision and then those guys show up who go against it. I hate those guys" That's the risk I'm at, as usual, going against common sense. I just wanted to vent what this protector energy is saying even though it's unclear who it is exactly. Lapis Lazuli ... It could be Lilly, I think it's Lilly, she's like an energy that does stuff and hang all the what ifs. She skipped work, put nice clothes on, and went shopping when we reported our Dad to the police because "f work. We got problem. Gotta look after ourselves a bit" Then Beth freaked out and it all went downhill from there and we went to hospital. So yeah it's Lilly, she just said. She didn't like to say because she didn't want to upset me but it doesn't upset me, I prefer to feel clear on what's going on. No wonder we did nothing all day and Beth just chatted online. I can't tell how I personally feel about all this because Lilly is so overwhelming which is good right now to be fair. Lapis Lazuli.

I am PISSED. Like, super-pissed.

Zami does a lousy job "protecting" the system by acting all submissive. They still keep on running headfirst in troubles. Mad bull with a red flag. They spent half the afternoon looking up and reading testimonies of victims of abuses, especially DID survivors, and since they do not experience it the same way these other persons experience it, now they are back into a spirall of "I am a fake" "my memories are fake" and all that gaslighting-caused nonsense.

It's like they're masoschistically begging for more trauma memories, more PTSD triggers, more scars. They compulsively looked into their old medical records, trying to find clues of what they went through, even if they know the medic back then was in acquainance with the abuser and always brushed things off as Zami lying and never wrote anything down, calling Zami a liar in their face.

I'm pissed of Zami ######6 hurting themself like suffering is their ownly way of feeling alive. Their suffering spreads throughout the system and everybody feels bad and I'm ######6 angry. What do they think I am, a babysitter?

I'm done playing babysitter and being nice. I'm done sitting on the side while they tell their psychanalyst that "oh, I'm dissociating and derealizing soooo baaad" while the ######6 analyst just stays here and goes "hum-hum" with a blank face and taking notes. ######6 country with ######6 psychanalysts. And a real therapist would cost much much more money, AND be near-impossible to find.

######6 psychanalysis-hungry country. Wanna find a therapist? You find only an analyst who just stares at you blank-faced while you decompose and rot on the spot. ###$ it.

More bad news? While we could FINALLY have access to the type of medical care we need, we still have another ######6 file to fill in and a ######6 year MINIMUM waiting time (could be up to three!) before we might maybe access some care. And it would not even be accessed on undoing the ######6 gaslighting poison that kills Zami slowly, oh no. It would only be some tame autism-related support.

###$ it. I tried looking for a DID specialist in town, I gave up because PSYCHANALYSIS EVERYWHERE. Even the ones calling themselves "therapists" explain that they are analysts.

###$. IT.

But taking everything in charge would not help Zami at all. Shoving them in the back row while I'm putting their ducks in a row will never teach them to do that themself, and I'm not going to ######6 live their life. I got better stuff to do in the Innerworld. We all have better stuff to do, with the bunch of Littles on the loose inside, all clones of better times that Zami threw there to "protect" them from the traumas.

It's a ######6 day-care for clones.

I'm not a babysitter, ffs. But I'm not going to fight Zami's battles. Their mess, they clean it, do they like it or not. Even if it means I gotta stay right their behind them all the time to make sure they walk straight.

They dont wanna learn how to self-care in their interactions with the world? I'm gonna make them learn.

-David- Coz I'm too pissed to sign -X-

I just can't believe this ######6 @@@@@@@. He's not sorry to injure us at all. His first reaction: I didn't do that. You must have done it to your self. His second reaction: I would never do that to you. His third: it was an accident.

I never saw the lump till just now because I looked at photos. He threw that spoon really ######6 hard. I know he was 3ft away and know there's no way he was trying to throw it "over" or "past" because the angles don't make sense.

Even if he was throwing it not to hit us it's still an intimidating act. Shouting, throwing stuff. He did it all the time. He stepped up a gear and thought he'd get away with it. Seems obvious to me.

I had him on the phone and I let others listen. I explained he's making excuses. I explained when he was lieing. I explained when he was making a covert threat "I can make this horrible and drag out or I can go away quietly" and "you're lucky it was just a spoon and it could of been worse"

I said "so now you're threatening me on the phone. Nice"

He tried to back track and turn it into some nonsense but that doesn't wash with me. The others were reacting ok. Someone thought - my guess is Beth - "we could have mediation and maybe he didn't mean it" and she's the ######6 one he was most horrible too, she didn't want him here, but obviously she's lonely now or something so it's ######6 stupid.

That's why I wanted them to hear the call and to hear what was said. I had to do it to point out to all of them "this guy is dangerous and only wants to head ###$ you"

At one point he said "I wasn't anyry. I was only annoyed" to which I said "well then I wouldn't want to see you angry then would I" He then confirmed he can be much more agressive and somebody showed me a time when he was in their face threatening them so I reminded him he has done that to "me"

So if he is shouting, accusing of cheating, assaulting us when he's "just annoyed" then he has serious ######6 problems.

I told him "you got problems" he doesn't think he has.

All he was interested to do was to blame us, say we're "worse than him" - where's his injuries then? How comes we can't get a word in when in appointments because he talks over us? How comes it's ok for him to shout and scream but when I got a bit loud on the phone that's not ok. It's ok for him to scream in our faces though, frighten Beth when she's already having a panic attack, belittle and bully Rose and make her feel like a terrible person - that's all ok. He never said $#%^ to me when I was around. We had words twice 1. When he tried to tell me (Karen actually but I took over) I couldn't chat to some guy parking the car 2. When he bullied Beth because she was outside panicking and we needed to but a printer so I had to deal with him.

The rest of the time I was there he was quiet. Don't get in my face and I won't get in yours. But what I notice about this guy is that he has a sixth sense for who he can and can't bully - even when it's different people in one body. He might not realise exactly who he's talking to all the time but he picks up on victims. He wasn't horrible to No-one, she doesn't take $#%^, but she never had a problem with him. He made Pat feel crappy at a medical appointment because he did the medical appointment (it's easier, he feels no connection to the body) so he's avoided him since then, he feels intimidated by him but he doesn't want to face up to that because Pat only has one way, same as I do and Pat's a really down for months because of work so he ain't got it in him to deal with him. The twins just think he's a joker, this ex bf. He upset Mandy once, but just with words and she doesn't do anything except colour in and watch TV so there's literally no reason ever to upset her but he still did. Said she's stupid, we had to deal with her because that's all we need, her upset. But he had a sixth sense, that's my point. He picked on weaker parts. He chose to pick on less weak parts like Pat when they're vulnerable. That is a low life. Mostly he bullied Beth, Rose and Karen. He didn't meet Lilly. Noway would I let my sister near a moungrel like that. I had no say over Mandy. The twins have more say over her although Mandy is strong now, she can push anyone out whenever she wants. Which mostly she doesn't but she can. She heard me, I don't think she realised till I said it. Paul

Yea, no, the bf is not good. He said I'm stupid and he just wanted to baby me to get what he wanted. The twins explained it to me. I don't care about him. I'm going to play dollies. Bye.

I sign your name then shall I. That was Mandy the above paragraph.

So yeah what a dick. I pointed out the only person he is lieing to is himself. He thinks he's not a bully who only picks on weak people - that means he will continue as he is, he will bully the next woman unfortunate enough to come into contact with him and they will run away from him. Not my problem.

Paul.

Sean broke our F-ing hand! He's way too young to be a Protector but reacts like one anyway. Mostly he just hits. He connected with something solid and now we have a busted hand. Cr*p! Anybody know a way to get him to stop trying to be a Protector? Just stand down and let me handle it. Going to have to tell our T. But don't want her to do the 'harm to self and others' thing. We're not unsafe. Sean just hits sh*t. Cr*p!

Colin

Hi Colin

I don't know if you can stop him wanting to be a protector, if he is anything like most boys I know the moment you say "dont" he will want to do it more to prove he can, but maybe you could ask him to help you protect - make him like deputy cop and teach him age appropriate conflict resolution eg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1N6uhd05kg except he wouldn't be fetching the teacher he'd be fetching you.

http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthT ... 87&id=1521

https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/fee ... oms/anger/

Might be good links for you two to look at together.

If Sean feels more in power about the situation then he might lash out less?

Mo

that thing about your hand sucks. must be difficult to do stuff.
L recently asked the T how to stop Age from being a protector and the answer was basically to let her do what she is good at. but then Age decided to grow up a bit to be better at protecting...
I dunno, is there any way Sean would accept protector training? like, this is how you observe, this is how you do a reality check, this is a good intervention, this won't do much good, this is what the body can do now so be careful with it...
like, I've been doing some basic kickboxing training with Danielle and Thamara. just to teach them some moves and have them experience the body and learn self-control. looks like it really helped and they even had fun.
$#%^ happens when someone is in hyperarousal and blindly doing whatever. so protector training always includes being calm and precise with interventions. Asti says thats the biggest reason why our martial arts training works, it get parts out of hyperarousal.
I think your T must accept that it was an accident. that stuff happens but its not like it happens all the time or on purpose.

I haven't been out much lately. But I am glad the others remembered to work out a bit. those muscles in our body are little suckers and they hurt even worse when we don't work out.

Great idea, Annett.

Colin, we hope that your hand heals quickly.

MDs