for the protectors [venting and advice]

Zor wrote:So there's been that BS, but otherwise, quiet. Still trying to get his wife to like realize how WRONG entirely that he is, and stop seeing us so negative only and hating us... but one step at a time, right?

{\Pixie/}

No, that's his problem. He needs to grow over the phase where he's magically curing people from things they don't wanna be cured from. It's impossible. We don't speak same language, he thinks I'm over reacting, because I talk realities and he talks fantasies of changed people.

You're programmed to live in abusive environment the way it doesn't feel too bad for you. What you miss is someone who sees you can have better life.

Can you imagine the amount of wasted years all people in abusive relationships in this world have spent, seriously thinking things will be better? I can. Therefor I don't feed delusions. He needs to see her for what she is, listen to her for what she says and realize what it means, and stop making it all better in his mind.

She married someone who didn't exists. Sad but true, time to realize realities for her too.

Time for them to talk about realities, instead of demons and stuffed animals.

When they'll be in that phase, I can be helpful again. In this phase, no. It's waiting game that I hope will end at some point.

Sami

Floralie wrote:Pixie. Don't make things more complicated than they are. You are not able to do things you are not able to, and no one is able to reed your minds. Communicate.

We don't spend time with people longer than day and half, she says aloud we don't, that's the point we need a break, and also after that when ever we say so. It's not that hard. Give people chance to co-operate.

That's how you change your world.

I'm not the guy for nice wording, in case you need help with that, contact our host.

Sami

Thanks for the direct comment though- sometimes "nice words" are less effective. Straight up talk is like more useful at times.

Part of the like hesitation is trying to protect Zor from getting hurt, too, though. Cuz if like stuff gets ugly or bad with his wife it hurts him- hurts all of us by extension. IDK how to like avoid that if we're too direct though. Kinda a mess sometimes, I think.

{\Pixie/}

-- Thu Sep 12, 2019 8:19 am --

Floralie wrote:No, that's his problem. He needs to grow over the phase where he's magically curing people from things they don't wanna be cured from. It's impossible. We don't speak same language, he thinks I'm over reacting, because I talk realities and he talks fantasies of changed people.

You're programmed to live in abusive environment the way it doesn't feel too bad for you. What you miss is someone who sees you can have better life.

Can you imagine the amount of wasted years all people in abusive relationships in this world have spent, seriously thinking things will be better? I can. Therefor I don't feed delusions. He needs to see her for what she is, listen to her for what she says and realize what it means, and stop making it all better in his mind.

She married someone who didn't exists. Sad but true, time to realize realities for her too.

Time for them to talk about realities, instead of demons and stuffed animals.

When they'll be in that phase, I can be helpful again. In this phase, no. It's waiting game that I hope will end at some point.

Sami

So, for B... kinda the position we've taken is... "IF he's a real friend, he'll come around... if he isn't and doesn't... we don't want or need him around."

As for Zor's wife... a bit touchier cuz he DOES love her a ton and wants and needs her... I HOPE we can get time on this trip, the ride to/from vacay to talk, but depends on if someone is with us in the car. No idea, but likely given how many are going.

BUT she IS off all next week after we get back, too... so...

{\Pixie/}

@Pixie: they are being very very very immature, to remove Zor without notice. I guess that, Zor is worth more than trying to teach to people too immature to listen or think by themselves! smh

@Paul: I do not know what to advise here, the situation sounds very complicated. Maybe it is time to lay everything down and sort your priorities? What is more important to do first, calming down the inside, getting to the bottom of it all, getting your ducks in a row with everybody else, getting an outside help (maybe a T ?), finding the outside "big bad wolf" and making them pay? Something else? Don't misunderstand me, I am sure you can do it all. But, better to only chase one rabbit at a time. Or, as Ron Swanson would say: https://i.chzbgr.com/full/9357744128/h208496DA/ (picture provided her in link form because of some a$$ language).

Floralie wrote:Can you imagine the amount of wasted years all people in abusive relationships in this world have spent, seriously thinking things will be better? I can. Therefor I don't feed delusions. He needs to see her for what she is, listen to her for what she says and realize what it means, and stop making it all better in his mind.

Sami

PREACH! I stuck everybody in a 13-years-long "romantic" relationship because, well, it gets better, if I love the abusive a$$hat enough, things will get better magically... No. They don't. The a$$hat only magically thinks he is right because each time he is acting like an a$$hat, I was acting all kind and nice and cuddly and stuff. Being nice does not keep people from being a$$hats. It makes them believe that their a$$hat-y behaviour is right.

Being lovey-dovey-submissive does not turn the Beast into a Prince. It makes the Beast more Beast-y. Love yourself enough to spray the Beast with water every time it claws the sofa. Enjoy the feast it offers, but beware of the Beast and get ready to fight back if it starts growling too much.

Yes, some Beasts, they are Beast-y because they are hurt somewhere. If it's something you can easily see and easily fix so that YOU do not suffer from the Beast, go ahead. But do not let yourself be a doormat just because poor Beast was not loved enough as a little baby-Beast or whatever.

@Pixie: back to the subject of Zor's wife. I know it hurts like all hell when something goes wrong in a relationship but, really, a boundary needs to be set. I know very well what happens when the boundary does not exist... Even when we love the other person, we get hurt. A boundary is not a bad thing. It is the distance where I can love myself and the other equally. I still need to learn how to ACT on knowing this, though... But since I now allow everybody else to help me (which I used to not do) it'll get better.

Also, from experience again - if Zor loves wife too much to care about setting the boundary, this is not love. It is what we call in french "dépendance affective" (addiction to a person, where we give up all rational thinking because we love/need the person, and it goes with high levels of separation anxiety). And it is toxic long-term. I've stuck everybody in a 13-years-long toxic relationship with a violent partner because of that. Not proud of it... (and yes, taking up all the abuse was back then my idea of "protecting everybody" ((facepalm)) ) Good luck bringing it up to Zor if needs to be.

--Zami--

I'm mad as ###$ & feel like I'm looking for a fight right now..

Is there another word for "the bitch that raised us" because 'mother' doesn't fit.

Everything's a ######6 mess right now inside and out and I'm ######6 done with this.

###$ being nice ###$ being polite ###$ giving people the benefit of the doubt. I'm done with that $#%^.

Mike

Zor wrote:
Part of the like hesitation is trying to protect Zor from getting hurt, too, though. Cuz if like stuff gets ugly or bad with his wife it hurts him- hurts all of us by extension. IDK how to like avoid that if we're too direct though. Kinda a mess sometimes, I think.

{\Pixie/}

Hey, that's a thing you need to understand once and permanently.

You are not doing anything wrong when you tell your limitations aloud. She decides to be abusive about it, it's not your fault but her choice. See it for what it is. Anyone feels bad when bullied, you're often bullied, because you're married with abusive person.

She gets annoyed because you exist. There's no way you can stop it, only she can. If there is, you still don't do it. Why? Because living under rules of abusive person don't make them less abusive. It makes them come up with more rules. This is the delusion you live in. You live in that delusion also with B. He made you clear rules to follow, things you are not allowed to do (all normal human reaction under attack) or you're a demon. And you bought it all and obeyed every single rule. Did not defend yourself, because defending oneself is only done by demons. What an obviously manipulative way to tie YOUR hands Pixie, and Zor did it for B. Because B knew you are the one who CAN resist. But you are welcoming him back to your life if he wants to, because you're fine to be played like that.

Contact any domestic violence group, and you'll find thousands of people thinking just like you do. "Because I love him/her." "If we just please him/her right way today he/she may not be abusive and it means all is good now." No. Get real. Those thoughts are the reason why abuse continues.

Have you ever thought about not being so passive in your life? You don't have to wait for other people to react and then live by that.

I can't make it faster for you, the realization. In this phase, there's nothing more I can do for you. You live under those beliefs as long as it takes. Talking to people under those thoughts is like talking to a wall, they don't believe it's about them.

If I'd know where's your spot to poke, I'd poke it until you get angry. If I'd be willing to, I'd find that spot. But naah.. I don't have to rescue whole world anymore, I'm done with that.

Sami

Oh, I DO know where it is tho. Your kid comes out as well. In here, where she's waiting with her attitude. There's a thing for you to think when making those safety plans for all of ya, deciding how you're OK to be treated and how not.

Amythyst wrote:I'm mad as ###$ & feel like I'm looking for a fight right now..

Is there another word for "the bitch that raised us" because 'mother' doesn't fit.

Everything's a ######6 mess right now inside and out and I'm ######6 done with this.

###$ being nice ###$ being polite ###$ giving people the benefit of the doubt. I'm done with that $#%^.

Mike

"Egg Donor."

Sorry she's being a PITA.

Laura and others

Amythyst wrote:I'm mad as ###$ & feel like I'm looking for a fight right now..

Is there another word for "the bitch that raised us" because 'mother' doesn't fit.

Everything's a ######6 mess right now inside and out and I'm ######6 done with this.

###$ being nice ###$ being polite ###$ giving people the benefit of the doubt. I'm done with that $#%^.

Mike

I hear that.

Amythyst wrote:I'm mad as ###$ & feel like I'm looking for a fight right now..

Is there another word for "the bitch that raised us" because 'mother' doesn't fit.

Everything's a ######6 mess right now inside and out and I'm ######6 done with this.

###$ being nice ###$ being polite ###$ giving people the benefit of the doubt. I'm done with that $#%^.

Mike

Unfortunate womb?
Genetic ancestor?
"You-know-who"?
Legal tutor?
Abusive birth parent?
Carrier?
That person I parasited so I could be alive?
"The bitch that raised us"?

--Zami-- with suggestions from others

Lol thanks folks.

She wasn't even the egg donor or birth parent, we were adopted.

Mike

Amythyst wrote:Lol thanks folks.

She wasn't even the egg donor or birth parent, we were adopted.

Mike

Ohwell. It's the thought that counts.

Glad you're feeling better.

Laura and others