for the protectors [venting and advice]

Pixie - There are a lot of times I couldn't protect us. I feel bad about every one of them. But sometimes you're just out gunned. Doesn't matter how much you want to protect everybody. You're not going to win. Got to get through it and go on to the next mission.

Colin

Hello everybody. This is my first time posting (both on thread and forum) but I was wondering if I could seek advice; I'm struggling with being able to adequately manage a dangerous situation and am reaching my limits. Another alter (Jacob) is profoundly suicidal and has said expressly that he intends to kill the body if he is permitted to front. Jen, the primary alter after our host,
is currently also in a difficult situation (not quite at crisis, but further toward it than I consider preferable). Our host is absent for the time being, I believe she dissociated due to the stress.

My core question is how one manages complex internal situations for an extended period, as I am frankly exhausted from the sheer effort of keeping Jacob contained and simultaneously establish that Jen is collected enough to not cause damage on her own. I managed to ensure we were hospitalised for the safety of the body, but the internal difficulties are still as acute, and if anything, hospital has made Jacob more determined to act dangerously.

Thank you kindly for your time. Vivian.

Hi Vivian,

Can you communicate with Jacob and find out more about how he's feeling? It's good that you could get hospitalized. If things feel safe enough, perhaps there is someone on the staff there who could help you sort out what's happening with Jacob.

I hope you can work it out and stay safe.

the Gang

Hello Gang, thank you for your kind response, it is greatly appreciated.

I struggle to communicate well with Jacob, although Jen is usually more capable of doing so; I will recommend that she speak to him further. His reasoning appears to be that the situation of having DID is in some way untenable, in addition to his own difficulties with our shared historical trauma (which we have briefly touched upon in therapy, although intentionally stepped away from due to the risks it posed to Jen and Jacob). I am unsure how to console or intervene, as he has expressed distrust towards me due to my stance of being pro-integration which I believe he takes as an attack on his sense of personhood.

I am fearful of allowing him to front whatsoever in this state, which limits the extent to which staff can intervene, although I agree it would be a constructive move. Is it worth perhaps taking the risk, under the understanding he will be surrounded by staff at the time and so unable to act?

Many thanks again, Vivian.

Have had a similar problem with a *protector*. We agreed that he would come out & talk to our T without any repercussions. He also would explain to us how he was protecting us by this action. For us all our *destructive* ones thought they were helping by what they did. They did not view it as destructive or hurtful. They were protecting, helping, saving us. That was a matter of opinion tho!!

Vivian

Good work getting everybody in the hospital. I used to try and handle everything by myself but it wore me out. So we put together the Security Team. Now I'm not alone and it works better.

Colin

IainEtc wrote:Pixie - There are a lot of times I couldn't protect us. I feel bad about every one of them. But sometimes you're just out gunned. Doesn't matter how much you want to protect everybody. You're not going to win. Got to get through it and go on to the next mission.

Colin

Thanks Colin. There are times I feel like a total failure and don't do what I should to do stuff to stop things... but I've been so scared since the monster hurt us even when I was there. It's so messed things up for years and we've been hidden and hiding like forever, so it's hard to break out of that.

I appreciate the encouragement though. It does help... makes me feel less alone overwhelmed knowing others get there, too.

{\Pixie/}

We had to go through airport security today. Security guy pulled us out of line. Patted us down. Had to breathe and let it happen. Can't fight security. Made me pretty tense. We got through it. The mission is to get to where we're going not start a fight I can't win.

Colin

Hello everyone.
This is very hard for me to write I feel; but we don't have anyone to turn to at the moment. Our therapist is not an expert on this, and she is still waiting for another psychologist to contact her to then having us assessed by a specialist.
This said, the situation is as follows:

People in the system are complaining. I'm the gatekeeper, I need to make sure everybody does their job well and that the mind is safe from any damaging memories or destructive thoughts. I did this for as long as I can remember, but lately it seems people don't want to keep doing this as it always was. I understand their need for independence, and I respect that. But I'm one here. We're many people, and I simply feel like I cannot adjust the rules for everyone, and cannot allow everyone to have their own private time. It is dangerous. Forgetting too many things is dangerous, and letting them come out completely, keeping the host in, is a thing that we never wanted to do. We function purely because I don't allow anyone to raise amnesic barriers (and when they do because I'm not looking, I make sure the host is not aware of that, filling in the gaps), and it hurts me that some people don't understand this. I already allow them (and sometimes, myself) to be present even when there's no need to get a job done, but they're now unsatisfied because they feel like their privacy is being invaded, and they don't get to do some of the things they would like to do because both me and the host are always watching.
I understand that they might feel like I'm annoying sometimes. I like rules and I like to respect them, purely because we function like this. People say I'm inflexible; but I don't know how to not be. I have to keep track of so many things. The two people that could help with this are already busy with their work (Benedict) or personal problems (Nico). JR is still too unhealthy for me to trust him and his system to fully collaborate.

I would just like to know what should I do. I'm feeling pretty stuck and bad about this, lately. I don't feel like I'm being helpful anymore.

Sorry for the long post. I don't like to write alone, but when I do I wander off too much. Have a beautiful day, and thank you for reading.

Jason, the Guardian.

exul wrote:People in the system are complaining. I'm the gatekeeper, I need to make sure everybody does their job well and that the mind is safe from any damaging memories or destructive thoughts. I did this for as long as I can remember, but lately it seems people don't want to keep doing this as it always was...

...they feel like their privacy is being invaded, and they don't get to do some of the things they would like to do because both me and the host are always watching...

...I would just like to know what should I do. I'm feeling pretty stuck and bad about this, lately. I don't feel like I'm being helpful anymore.

Jason, the Guardian.

Hey, Jason. NoName here. Good job listening to other people and trying to work things out. You've had a really hard job and it sounds like you did it well. I hope the others appreciate what you've done for them in the past.

Maybe there's a way to work things out with them so you could try little steps of something new and see how it goes. First of all, why can't they do what they would like to do just because you and the host are watching? It seems like that would be a logical solution, rather than wanting there to be more amnesia. Do they want to do things you won't approve of or are uncomfortable about? Or maybe you can be dimly aware but kind of in the background so they don't feel scrutinized?

We have a lot of co-consciousness, so we tend to know what others are doing even when we would rather not--we have to make an effort to find someone a relaxing place to be if someone is doing something that makes them too nervous, for example. And if grownup things are going on, we need to make sure the kids are in the background. But even if they don't experience something, they still know what we did--there's no lost time.

Another protector of ours (not me) is having a hard time letting us be connected and present with our T, so the T has been saying for them to try it for a few seconds, instead of taking us away instantly, and see how it goes. So maybe you could try letting someone do something they want to do while you "look away" or whatever, and see if things are still ok.

NoName